Feeling sorry for myself

I should rename my blog to something more appropriate, like "complains about everything" or "whines incessantly," yes I am about to whine and complain again. Not only am I horrible about updating this blog, but when I do post it is just to vent/complain/etc. If you are still reading I'd be surprised.

I'm on a business trip right now, and thankfully I get to go back home tomorrow evening. I've been gone since Tuesday evening, but haven't seen my kids since I dropped them off at daycare Tuesday morning. My kids are fine, home with their Dad, and in a lot of ways my travel of late has been great for DH to figure things out with the kids without my help. It has also been good for Toddler and Infant (who recently had a birthday so she will now be referred to as Toddler 2) to learn to rely on Daddy rather than me all of the time. Of course I am insanely jealous of the fact that I am the one traveling. I'm sure I would complain if I were home alone with the kids and DH were traveling, but DH says nothing. Honestly I think he is worried I will quit my job if he presses the issue too much, and he likes the money I earn far too much to let me do that (at least without another job lined up).

Two weeks in a row with 3 nights away from home in each week is just brutal on me though. I feel so disconnected from my family, and I get so worn out having to be "on" while traveling with coworkers. Breakfast together, working together all day, lunch, dinner, and even a run with my boss last night. It is just too much. I almost said no when my boss asked if he could go for a run with me, the only me time I had in store for the day, but figured it was just plain rude for me to do so. Thankfully tonight he didn't want to run, so I skipped out on dinner with him in order to run solo, and grab a bite to eat by myself after my run. We are staying in a college town, with a variety of clothing stores just a block down from the hotel, so I ran, ate at Chipotle, and went shopping for a while. It was good, even though I kept passing people with babies which just made me miss my babies all the more. I don't have to travel next week, and am very much looking forward to the three day weekend this weekend. I think I need to be away for 4 nights the week after next though, and it just makes me sad. I don't feel like I can say no, but this travel is killing me.

I feel a little trapped for the time being. I don't want to change jobs until I have been here for at least a year since I have a couple of gaps in my employment history now. I suppose I could have a serious talk with my boss about my dissatisfaction with all of this travel, but he did warn me about travel when I accepted the job. I came into it knowing travel was likely, but since I didn't travel at all for the first 6 months it is just now coming to me how much I hate being away from the kids. I left a previous job partially because of travel, and those trips were almost always no longer than 1 night at a shot. I think I could handle 1 night away trips at this point, but these 3-4 day trips are impossible. My son now says things to me like "but you will go on a trip" when we are discussing daily plans. It breaks my heart. We have webcams for my laptop and for the desktop computer at home, so we have had some video calls this week, but I always end up in tears when we have to hang up. It just isn't the same. Toddler 2 tries to grab the monitor for a while, then she just sits and chews on her hand or a toy. Toddler walks away and begs to watch movies.

I realize I am completely rambling right now, I think I just need to get all of these feelings out of me rather than trying to pretend that I am okay with travel. I am not okay with travel. I need to be home with my kids, for their sake and for mine. I will not travel long term. I will find a new job, or find some way to make this job involve much less travel. I cannot just stay the course, because it is seriously affecting my quality of life.

Ugh, sorry to be such a downer.

Ambivalence

So infant will be 12 months old in a week. This means that I will no longer have to be her primary source of nutrition. I don’t plan on weaning her, am hoping that she can get the chance to self-wean, but I will stop pumping at work (except when I am traveling over night). I’m down to one pump per day at work, and for some reason I just feel odd about that. I am hugely ambivalent about pumping at work. I hate it, but don’t want to give it up. How is that possible? I never even intended to pump at work at all, but here I am 8 months later still doing it. I thought for sure I would dance a little jig when I could stop pumping. Don’t get me wrong I know I will adjust quickly, and won’t miss the pump in the least when it is packed up for good. I just feel like I’m saying “Happy Birthday honey, your gift from me is no more breast milk.” Considering how much she enjoys nursing and breast milk in general I can’t see that this is a happy gift for her. I suppose part of it is that while I am still pumping I feel like I am still more connected to her even when she isn’t with me. Every time I pump I think of her little face looking up at me, and I just feel good about it.

Of course I also feel like I will miss my pumping breaks. They are the only times during the day that I can slack off and surf the internet without guilt. On the other hand, it will be really nice to not worry about finding places to pump at client sites. If I never have to pump while sitting on a toilet seat again it will be too soon. Still I worry that by not pumping during the day I will force Infant to wean sooner than she wants to. This parenthood business is just so damn complicated. Sometimes I wish I could make a decision about my children without having to analyze the implications 1000 times in my head, but I suppose I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that.

Indulgence

Both Infant and Toddler have birthdays coming up in the near future, so I've been racking my brain for gift ideas. I took a quick tour of their closets and found that Infant could easily go 3+ weeks without a repeated outfit, so that was no help to me (other than making me walk quickly by the cute cute kids clothes at Nordstroms today). A tour of Toddlers dresser and closet revealed a serious lacking for pants that are long enough for him, and no summer weight pajamas to speak of. It is just too bad that the Grandparents aren't going to want to give the boy *clothing* for his birthday, so I suppose that is up to me. Honestly I can't blame them after witnessing his reaction to clothing at Christmas (really should have videotaped the quick throws over his shoulder). A quick tour of the basement revealed a multitude of toys that can be new again to Toddler and would be completely new to Infant. At the suggestion from a friend I am actually considering wrapping up some of the old toys for Infant to open. The Grandparents will give me endless shit about doing so, but they can't deny the fact that my house is quickly becoming a plastic palace. If we get any more ride on toys or play sets I think we will have to start grinding down plastic to make me feel better about the effect on the environment. I still have no clue what to buy the kids...am open to suggestions!

Starvation mode?

I’m still carrying around an extra 5 pounds of “baby weight” and it is starting to really bother me. The change of seasons has forced me to break out my shorts and Capri pants only to find out that they don’t fit. Ugh. My “fat” shorts do in fact fit, but the ones I actually like do not. So last week I finally started following my tried and true self-enforced Weight Watchers plan. I have yet to do my weekly weigh in, but I have weighed myself a few times this week only to find a gain of 2 pounds and most recently no change at all. This makes me extremely frustrated. I know WW works well, having used it more than once to lose weight, and I am pretty darn good at counting points now with the help of an Excel spreadsheet I made (with a little help from DH…okay he mostly made it with a little instruction from me). I’m not even trying to get to my real goal weight which is 10 pounds less than I weigh now, simply because I don’t think it is realistic while I am still nursing Infant. I hate that these last 5 pounds just seem glued to my hips and thighs.

I know I am being hard on myself, I can wear a size 6 off the rack in most stores right now. However, that is only due to size inflation…my 5-6 year old size 6 stuff is the reason I feel compelled to lose this weight as it is too tight. Is it so much for someone who runs 5 days/20-25 miles per week to be able to lose 5 pounds? I’m not even eating crazy foods or snacking inappropriately. Other people tell me that since I am nursing and running my body is going into starvation mode and is holding onto all of the fat it has. Apparently my body hasn’t gotten the message that it is not going to starve, and that those extra 5 pounds are just ugly and serve no real purpose. If it wants to hold onto extra fat I just wish it could be deposited in my breasts rather than on my hips. I’m going to continue following my nursing modified WW program for another week. If I fail to lose a pound or more I will likely just give up until I quit nursing.