tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-218205512024-03-07T22:26:36.082-05:00Just Treadmilling AroundHeather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.comBlogger201125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-49893712468758330792016-01-02T10:25:00.002-05:002016-01-02T10:25:32.679-05:00Resolutions and MiraclesI've never been big on New Year's Resolutions. I don't find anything magical about the flipping of the calendar over to a new year to start new habits or get rid of old bad habits. However, that doesn't mean that I don't end up thinking about what I want to change in my life. Over the past couple of months I've taken a hard look at how much I react with yelling to my kids. In retrospect I can always see that the yelling did not help the situation in reaching the conclusion I hoped to achieve. It does make me feel badly about resorting to yelling, and likely damages my relationship with my kids in some shape or form though. I can also see that at least one of my kids has learned how to yell from me - and that is an ugly mirror to view yourself through.<br />
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While I do not typically do resolutions, this month my goal is to stop yelling. For me this would be harder if I hadn't already been doing a good deal of self reflection about why I yell and why yelling doesn't actually work. Although like any worthy goal we set for ourselves, we can expect to be immediately challenged when we set upon the path of achieving it. When we ask the universe or god or others in our lives to help us in achieving a goal we can be assured that the first thing that will happen is that you will be presented with scenarios in which you would normally do the thing you are trying not to do. For me, not yelling has been given a good test already on day one. The crazy thing is that rather than being annoyed at the tests that have been presented to me, when I expect them and know that they are there to help me, I can see them as gifts rather than tests.<br />
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I read Marianne Williamson's Return to Love a few months ago, and as a result I have been praying more. I don't mean I am reciting prayers from the Bible, or that I've suddenly begun going to church. I haven't even given much thought about my lack of religious affiliation, but I have been praying more. When I feel challenged by something I ask God to help me with it. Within a few months of doing this I can see that it works, but not in the way of making wishes to magic genie would. It works because when we ask God for help with something, we are given opportunities to do what we asked for. It makes complete sense to me that when I asked God to help me stop yelling in response to my kids, that my kids would give me opportunities to practice new responses. After asking for help I also started seeing new articles about the effects of yelling, and articles about ways to respond instead of yelling. Seeing the new tests and the new resources as a miracle is the gift I got from reading Return to Love.<br />
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My hard wired response to almost everything is that I can handle it on my own. I want to control everything, and I don't want to ask for help. This has made me successful, but it comes at a cost. The more reflection I do, the more I see that while I <i>can</i> do everything on my own, it is better when I ask for help. Actually scratch that - the more I try asking for help, the more I see that it is better when I ask for help than it is when I try to do everything on my own. When someone asks me what my New Year's Resolution is I might respond that I'm going to stop yelling, but the truth is that I will be praying for many more miracles this year, and I'm going to expect to be tested so that I can grow.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-22276355485369692972015-11-14T09:30:00.002-05:002015-11-14T09:30:40.919-05:00What if Love really is the answer?In the midst of another tragedy in our world - this time the killings in Paris, we all search for answers. I am sure that the news networks are speculating and theorizing and talking about it nonstop and will for days or weeks. Some of you will be glued to the coverage because knowing more helps you to cope with insane occurrences like this. I won't watch if I can help it. I will inform myself, and I will continue to listen to NPR where they will no doubt also cover these terrible events. I know that for me, living in the aftermath of something like this - and immersing myself in it doesn't help me to process it faster though. I think for me it turns something like this into more of the "other," something foreign to me, something that is so outside of my world that I can almost comfort myself with the knowledge that it couldn't happen in my immediate world. It also keeps the focus on the "other" and looks for blame and retribution. I understand that every one of us processes things differently though, and for some of you immersing yourself in the coverage is exactly what you need to move on.<br />
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I remember September 11, 2001 vividly. I was flying from Minneapolis to San Francisco that day for work. I had an early flight so I could be at a client meeting later that day, it was a pretty typical day in my life at that point when I was working as a sales engineer and traveled almost weekly. Except it turned out to be completely not typical as my plane was diverted to Denver, and I spent the next day in Denver instead of San Francisco. There wasn't much to do in the hotel I managed to find with availability except to watch tv. I, like so many others, stayed pretty glued to the news updates for the many weeks to follow. However, what I most vividly remember about that day is not watching the news coverage, it is the huge outpouring of love that I felt from almost everyone I knew at the time. I think everyone who had my cell phone number then, and even many who didn't have it until that day called me to check on me. Both of my parents called me, I'd of course called my husband as soon as my plane landed in Denver, my boss called, all of my coworkers, and so many friends did too. I've told my 9/11 story many times, but I always end it with a mention of the phone calls. I don't think I'd ever fully processed why that was so important to me until I sat down to write this post. That outflowing of love is what saw me through my eventual drive back home, that love is what helped me to cope with unexplainable tragedy in our world.<br />
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The blaming and the "otherizing" that happens after terrible tragedies serves a purpose, but I don't think it actually helps us cope with the events. It deflects our fears and our hurts onto those others so we don't have to feel them. When something like this happens we all have that flash of fear, the flash of it could have been where I live, it could have been my family that was hurt, and we don't like that feeling. In my opinion though the best way for us to make that feeling go away is to feel it - let yourself be afraid, feel it, process it, own it, acknowledge it, and reach out in love to others who are feeling the same way. My coworkers who called me on 9/11 were doing so out of that place - the it could have easily been me on that trip feeling, and wanting to reach out to someone else to let them know they cared. So many of us have that instinct, and if we let ourselves reach out in love to others more often I think we could heal and help so much more than we do today.<br />
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I won't pretend to know the motivations behind all of the terrible events in our world, but I do think that love is the answer. I don't mean that we have to reach out in love directly to the people who perpetrate such terrible hatred onto our world - but reaching out in love to those close to you has a bigger effect than we give it credit for. For those of us who are parents we see the result of choosing love over blame in our lives almost daily I'd imagine. Just a couple of days ago my 12 year old opened his school Chromebook and found that the screen had shattered. He was pretty upset, and truth be told, so was I, but in that moment I had a choice to make - to choose love as a response or to choose blame. I chose love that day (and I'm not going to pretend that I didn't have to fight for that response), and we focused together on it being okay to be upset about this but that it was not the end of the world and we talked about how he would bring it to school the next day and face the consequences but he would end up okay at the end of all of it. It was likely going to suck, but he would be okay, and I still loved him regardless of whether his screen was cracked or not.<br />
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My greatest desire as a parent is to choose love more often as a response than I choose blame, because just like those small phone calls from those close to me on 9/11, love has the power to do more. We all have the power to love the people close to us, and that love has a ripple effect out into the rest of the world. While we are all trying to make sense of the tragedy in Paris, maybe the best thing we can do is to love more. You might not personally know someone who lives in Paris that had their lives upset yesterday, but your love can reach through those you do know and eventually out into those that need it the most. I don't mean postcard proclamations of love - but real I see you, I feel you, I will walk with you through something hard love, that love changes people and will solve more than any retaliation ever will.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-90994820120617748032015-09-07T07:34:00.000-05:002015-09-07T07:34:14.544-05:00Doing the best that we canI recently read <b style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;">Brené Brown's</b> newest book <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23317538-rising-strong" target="_blank">Rising Strong</a>. It is good, really good. You should read her <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection" target="_blank">Gifts of Imperfection</a> and <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13588356-daring-greatly" target="_blank">Daring Greatly</a> first, but even without reading the other two I think Rising Strong is a great book. There are two points from the book that really resonated with me, and since I read the book I keep thinking about them in a variety of contexts.<br />
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The first point is that we tell ourselves stories in order to make sense of this world. Often our stories are not based entirely upon reality, but in what we think others' motivation might be in our daily interactions. I'm not going to rehash the entire book, but I will say that starting a conversation with "the story I'm making up here" instead of "you always..." ends with a much better result. When you are able to remove the accusation, and get to the heart of what is bugging you you can find a resolution in a much more positive way. I used this in a conversation with T the other night, and it felt better than my normal accusatory statements that I know deep down aren't true even if the story I've made up includes them. Perhaps the trick with using this approach is that you need to be tired of your own bullshit for it to make sense to you. I haven't used it at work yet, but I've thought it when my brain tries to tell me an us-them story about why we are so right and they are so wrong and clueless.<br />
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The next point that blew my mind was that everyone is doing their best always. I enjoyed how this was covered in the book because the author's struggle with whether or not this was true struck me as a battle I could see myself facing. If we accept that people are coping with the situation at hand the best way they can in that particular moment it frees us from all of the should statements we want to lay on others. It doesn't make their behavior okay, but when we let go of our own expectations about how other people act we free ourselves from the burden of being the behavior police. This little shift in how we interpret other people's actions is amazingly powerful. Again I think you need to be ready to be a good bit self critical to see how this is a gift to yourself. How much time and energy have you wasted in your life railing about the way someone else treated you or acted towards you? If you approached all of those situations with an understanding that yes her behavior sucked and I will set better boundaries around that person in the future - but she was doing the best she could in that moment - how would your life change? I've used this a few times with my kids already, more as a reminder to myself and T that when they don't handle difficult situations easily it doesn't mean that they are purposely acting out.<br />
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There is an implied forgiveness in every "she was doing the best that she could," you think to yourself. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, so shifting our thinking to include quicker paths to forgiving others is very powerful. There is also a good deal of annoying every time you think this way. It is much more comforting to fall into the old blame cycles and self-righteous ranting, then it is to face that other people are just as imperfect as we are. I know deep down that in order to be truly kind to myself I need to be kind to others. I need to accept that everybody is doing the best that they can in that particular moment - even when sometimes their bests are pretty shitty and terrible.Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-35416999189347705112015-08-18T12:27:00.002-05:002015-08-18T12:27:57.577-05:00The Summer TripWe recently returned from our annual summer trip (most definitely a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/vacation-or-trip-a-helpful-guide-for-parents_b_7789310.html" target="_blank">trip and not a vacation</a>). I went into this trip with much lower expectations than I had for our <a href="http://www.treadmillinginplace.blogspot.com/2015/04/expectations.html" target="_blank">spring break trip</a> to Florida. My goals were to not think about work too much, and to spend some time relaxing and connecting with T and the kids. I think both goals were pretty easily achieved, although I did take a work call one morning before the rest of the family was awake. There was swimming, fishing, jet skiing, and stand up paddle boarding. There was pool playing, a family game night of Apples to Apples, and both adults read a fair amount. And of course there was some tv watching and some serious staring at screens.<br />
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There were also more than a few moments of crabby from one or more of us. I think the difference this time around wasn't just my lowered expectations. It was also how I engaged with the kids when they were crabby. Just a few weeks ago I stumbled upon an article that mentioned the acronym HALT as a way to assess what is causing unwanted behavior. The article I read wasn't specifically targeted towards children (although I since found <a href="http://theartofsimple.net/applying-the-halt-method-a-checklist-for-proactive-parenting/" target="_blank">this blog post</a> that is targeted towards kids), but that was my first thought upon reading it. HALT stands for: H - Hungry, A - Angry, L - Lonely, T - Tired. After one of the kids finished being upset about something I brought out the acronym and explained it to the kids. A weird thing happened when I explained it - instead of tuning me out both kids actively listened and one even grabbed a piece of paper to write out what it meant.<br />
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I explained that a lot of times when the two of them are bugging each other the first thing I ask them is when they last ate. The question typically annoys them, but a lot of times they are hungry and acting out because of it. I don't find the A all that helpful with my children, because I think they jump to Angry as an answer no matter what the true trigger for their unwanted behavior is - but I kept it in. There are times when one of them is angry about something completely separate from each other and it is causing them to act out towards each other. The L is helpful because sometimes they need to feel connected, and for whatever reason we aren't giving them enough of that. And T - while my children will almost never admit it, when they are tired they do not typically make good decisions. My kids felt that being thirsty was also a trigger for bad behavior so we added an extra T at the end so our acronym is now HALTT.<br />
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I do not think that the HALTT acronym is magical. However, applying it with my kids seems to be magical. I asked one or both of them at several points last week where they were on the HALTT scale and after first being annoyed at me they were able to walk through the letters and tell me what the issue was. It also helped me to stop refereeing their fights and punishing them and instead move to helping them work through whatever was causing the angst in the first place.<br />
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This parenting thing is always going to be a work in progress. I will continue to learn as I go along, and mess up along the way. However, it feels pretty good to have found a more positive way to deal with the inevitable sibling fights. I think overall it let me be more relaxed on this trip, and it helped me to enjoy the wonder that was all around us.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-65508705144269703612015-07-26T07:37:00.000-05:002015-07-26T07:38:03.434-05:00The stages of working from homeI've had a remote work position for the last year and a half. I had never planned on working from home, but the position seemed to make sense for me career wise and happened to be in another state. Rather than uproot my entire family to take the position, working remotely allowed me to take the position and keep my family where they were. I think sometimes people confuse what it is I do, with some flexible working arrangement because I work from my house. However, I have a full time job, with big (sometimes) responsibilities, and a lot of work to do each and every day. The misunderstanding is more my issue than anyone else's though, so I'll leave that alone. I travel to my company's headquarters roughly one week a month, and those trips help me to feel more connected to the people I talk to on the phone when I'm home. They also remind me that working from my home is both good and bad. It took me several months to adjust to the routine of working from home, I think I went through stages of acceptance in order to come to the steady state I enjoy today.<br />
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<b>Stage One: Oh This is Awesome</b><br />
<b>Duration: 1 week</b><br />
At first I had many thoughts about working from home: I have no commute, I don't have to get dressed up, I can work in my sweaty running clothes if I want to, life is wonderful.<br />
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<b>Stage Two: This Sucks</b><br />
<b>Duration: 3 months</b><br />
After a short honeymoon period, the reality of what it meant to commute 10 feet from my kitchen into our home office started to set in. My main contact with people I wasn't related to started to be over the phone. I had lost the daily office niceties of passing colleagues in the hall, and eating lunch with other people. Gone were beer Fridays, corporate meetings I attended in person, and random quarterly celebrations with free food. Gone was not having to set up meetings with your closest colleagues because you sat across from each other and could have quick brainstorming sessions using the white board in your cubicle. Gone was wasting time rehashing random things that happened over the weekend or who you liked best on The Voice. Gone was the social life that surrounds working in an office. During this stage I often fantasized about how long I would have to keep this job so it didn't look like I was jumping before giving it a chance. I didn't know people at the corporate headquarters well enough to actually feel like I was in the loop with what was happening when I wasn't physically there.<br />
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<b>Stage Three: This is okay</b><br />
<b>Duration: 3 months</b><br />
After deciding that I hated working from home, but also deciding that I wanted to put more effort into being successful in my job I mostly made peace with the situation. I went through a phase of putting effort into dressing up each day, even if I was just going to sit in my home office all day. It made me feel more like I was at work, and that was something that helped to give my days more structure. I also started to have an understanding of what it was I was going to do in my job - this more than anything else likely saved my ability to work from home. My position had been more or less created for me, but it wasn't firmly bounded. I had to do a lot of searching to figure out where I could add the most value, and then poke that understanding with how others viewed my role. There was a good deal of trial and error - still is, but eventually I found my way.<br />
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<b>Stage Four: I would hate working in an office again</b><br />
<b>Duration: 1 year and going</b><br />
After making peace with remote working, I found that I loved it. Well I loved it until summer came and my oldest child who is too old for daycare started being home with me, but that is another story. I stopped dressing like I was going into an office - though to be fair at best from home I dressed as though it was always casual Friday. I save my former work outfits for when I travel to the company headquarters. The bad part about this is that my former heel loving self is now very fond of flip flops and casual boots. I find that my feet don't love to wear heels when I travel now because I'm not used to wearing them - unless you count my wedge Teva flip flops (they don't count). I've also found ways to be as productive as possible from home, and thankfully from places that have free wifi when I just need a change of scenery. I've found that my favorite way to make phone calls is with the simple headphones and in-line microphone on my iPhone ear buds attached to my work iPhone. I learned that I needed to turn off the audible alert for new email messages on that phone because those alerts were audible to the rest of the people on my many calls too. I also learned how to walk away from the home office at 5 pm, which is actually pretty easy since my Eastern time zone coworkers are all long done with working by then. There are still days where I wish I had the distraction of a coworker downstairs to complain about something to, but then I call one of my colleagues and can do the same thing.<br />
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When I think about the next step in my career path, I think it is highly likely that it will be another remote working opportunity. I want to take on a greater degree of responsibility in my chosen field, and it is highly unlikely that I will find something in my current metro area. I'm glad I have made peace with working from home, even if sometimes I do still miss the comfort of office life. I think for me going to an office was a false veil of productivity - where from home you really have yourself and the work with no easy distractions at every corner. That was painful at first, but now it is freeing and a little painful if I'm completely honest.<br />
<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-15851885706705625892015-07-23T11:07:00.003-05:002015-07-23T11:07:50.861-05:00Enjoying the wonderI get so caught up in what we need to be doing, where we need to be, when our schedule has us arriving/departing, and who we need to be with. Sometimes it feels like I'm not choosing any of the things that fill our days. Then I remember, that I have control over all of the who/what/where/when, and that I created most of the busy in my life. It is easy to make excuses about why we can't make time to be with our friends, or why we can't spend an evening doing exactly what the kids want to do. Why is it so easy to forget to stop and enjoy the beautiful world around us? We surround ourselves with screens, and we focus on status updates from friends rather than actually connecting and doing the things we know will fill our souls.<div>
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The other night my kids came rushing in the house and asked if one of us would take them to the beach. T was having none of it, but as I sat there with the first word on my lips being "no," I asked myself why I wanted to say no. I thought for a few moments, and decided to say yes. So we went, the kids and two of their neighbor friends got in my car and we were at the beach just 15 minutes later. They didn't want to stay that long, but they got to swim, they got to take videos in the water with the GoPro camera, and they loved it. I sat on the beach and stared at my phone mostly, but after a while I put the phone down (aside from taking some pictures) and just enjoyed the quiet peaceful evening with the sounds of happy kids filling the air. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The beach</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunset at the beach</td></tr>
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Every once in a while I need a reminder that there is more to life than all of the busy we have created for our family. When we drop all of the busy and let ourselves experience the wonder in the world around us I think it fills our souls more than any soccer practice ever could. Our world is an amazing place. There is so much to see, so much to do, and there is so much to experience if we can open our eyes to it. I want to do a better job of slowing down and enjoying the world around me. When I do, I always experience something deep inside my being, and it makes me feel alive. It doesn't even have to be hard to see the wonder. If we are open to it, we see that there is wonder all around us. Even landing back home from a work trip is filled with wonder. What led me to take pictures of clouds from an airplane window? I think it is because when you let yourself appreciate the world, you see beauty in almost everything.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Clouds - my view from an airplane last week</td></tr>
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Sometimes taking your son to the creek because he asked you to, is the best thing you can do. We both get something different out of the experience, we both experience our own sense of wonder. The only way we really pass this gift onto our children is by actually enjoying it for yourself. If my children see me checking my phone constantly, and not really present they will learn to ignore the wonder all around them just like I did. It might take a good deal of retraining, but I know I can find the wonder around me more and more every single day. I hope they can see it too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYXsOw16XcPn8KjWyy2bQIh5WrHgfRecOlvcDrI-xIizoGHxVnigZ10GBCkrpI0-n69YlA5l-QmgyhhmRfazyqd9gqXnC8wK2n6cztLY5ezW_tsgLDGqsydRh9E1kWQph_APuS/s1600/IMG_1620.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYXsOw16XcPn8KjWyy2bQIh5WrHgfRecOlvcDrI-xIizoGHxVnigZ10GBCkrpI0-n69YlA5l-QmgyhhmRfazyqd9gqXnC8wK2n6cztLY5ezW_tsgLDGqsydRh9E1kWQph_APuS/s400/IMG_1620.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">J enjoying the wonder that is a rapidly moving creek</td></tr>
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Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-31197468441825381322015-07-04T09:35:00.002-05:002015-07-04T09:35:47.657-05:00Finding the right teamSoccer in our state is open for players to move around to different clubs, provided that each player commits to just one club for each season. This freedom is a blessing for many, but a curse for some too. With choice comes the obligation of choosing. All along both of my children have played for the club in our city, and it has been fine more or less even though I get caught up in the politics and get mad about some of the decisions that are made. I haven't been mad enough to leave, even though we have watched some really great families do just that - for valid reasons. The draw of a club that holds practices walking distance from your house is very strong for us.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUOWw35FzJ0xp3LQJOAel58EkahDXUMm8-XdrPzQivSn7lrmGTde28pXQt-e1GkWjqGzH2Wn1_MTsC5ZN3xwfbNWfRcm-0DvYSU3Aj0HUZvWkiRc-Ba99QUlXpVc8X3hmKBRr1/s1600/IMG_0031.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUOWw35FzJ0xp3LQJOAel58EkahDXUMm8-XdrPzQivSn7lrmGTde28pXQt-e1GkWjqGzH2Wn1_MTsC5ZN3xwfbNWfRcm-0DvYSU3Aj0HUZvWkiRc-Ba99QUlXpVc8X3hmKBRr1/s320/IMG_0031.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">J at U9</td></tr>
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At the end of the summer season last year was the first time I started to entertain the possibility of our kids playing elsewhere. When I picked J up from evaluations (deciding at the end of July which team your child will be placed on for a season starting the following May) he was upset. He said that he didn't know why they bothered with evaluations because they already knew who was on the top team (not him). He said that the top team kids didn't pass to him at all during the evaluation scrimmages, so he never got any opportunity to show what he could do. I didn't watch the evals, so he might have been right, or he might have been exaggerating, but he was visibly deflated. This came after a season in which he hated going to soccer at all. He had some good friends on the team, and I think that was the only reason we got him to finish out the season.<br />
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That ride home with J, was the primary reason we enrolled J in a private soccer coaching academy. He very much wanted to improve, and hadn't had any real coaching to do so over his previous few seasons. You could see the disparity pretty clearly between the top team who had just won state at a level higher than J's team played at and the half of J's team who actually showed up at all for evaluations. The kids who knew they would make the top team, and the kids who felt like it was a waste of their time to even be there. That was pretty much how it played out too. One player from J's team made the top team, but the remaining handful were placed on a half roster with the assumption that somehow enough boys would be found to fill out a team by the following spring. I was relieved that J had the soccer academy coaching to look forward to. He finally got good coaching to help him with skills he wasn't proficient at, and he got lots of opportunities to play soccer throughout the year.<br />
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I wrote in my <a href="http://www.treadmillinginplace.blogspot.com/2015/06/why-cant-they-just-win.html" target="_blank">last post</a> about this soccer season, so I won't rehash the details here. However, we are nearing the end of the season and it is time to look forward. There is still a top team/bottom team problem in the club, and it is more pronounced because they move to U13 and 11v11 in the fall. Both teams need bigger rosters to cope with a bigger field. For the most part I think that kids from our city leave our club for other clubs, so magically attracting enough boys to fill out two rosters is likely a long shot. I found myself looking up evaluation schedules for neighboring clubs because of this fact. J might make the top team this time around, but I'm not sure I want him to. When the options are make the top team and deal with not really feeling like you are part of the team, or being on the leftover roster that will hopefully fill in with enough boys to play it seems like a simple choice to find a different club to play for.<br />
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It isn't a simple choice to leave though. We went to our city's fireworks last night where we sat with 3 different soccer families. At one point I looked up and J was sitting with 5 or 6 of his teammates laughing and having a great time. If we leave nothing really changes for the club, J is just a name taking up a roster spot or not. I don't think they would even ask us why we left. I've asked J what he wants, and ultimately he just wants to play with his friends. He only wants to go to another club if his friends do too. He doesn't want to be on a leftover roster either though. He loves soccer, and he wants to play on a team filled with kids who love to play as much as he does. I'm still not sure what we will do, but I hope that either way J continues to love playing as much as he does right now. I also hope that I can keep it about what J wants, and not what my ego wants for him.Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-81852952973233954872015-06-24T11:25:00.001-05:002015-06-26T06:13:30.257-05:00Why can't they just win?One of our summer family "entertainments" is traveling to various southern metro soccer fields and watching one of the children play soccer. This happens roughly twice a week, but in some weeks (if there is a tournament) we could be watching one of them play soccer almost every night of the week. Last night was such a night, we had a roughly 30 minute drive to watch J play. The field was a good one, there was ample parking (even if it was a huge trek from the parking lot to the field), plenty of garbage cans (important because even our dog comes with and sometimes you need to clean up after her business), and there was a great playground - which meant S didn't have to suffer through watching her brother play for any longer than she wanted to. It was also a beautiful night, not too hot, not buggy, and pretty pleasant to be sitting or standing on the sidelines of the soccer field watching one of your children play the game he/she loves.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not from last night's game (J is #22)</td></tr>
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The game started out well. J's team scored a quick goal, and they were playing pretty well. At some point that flipped though, and the other team scored a lot more goals. I won't go into the play by play because that really doesn't matter, but you can guess from this post's title that they lost. One of the other parents from the team expressed some frustration about the fact that they always lose as we were doing the pack up the chairs and walk over to wait for the boys to finish with their post game coach chat. This parent said that it was getting old to be driving all over the place and spending a bunch of money if they are always going to lose. I didn't really know what to say in response. I said that I thought their coach was doing a good job, and that we'd seen improvement in the boys' passing and just kind of nodded along as that parent mildly vented. I won't pretend that it isn't somewhat frustrating to watch your child lose a lot of games in a season. However, I was happy at the end of the game that J was smiling and laughing with one of his good friends on the team, and wasn't dwelling on the result. Earlier in the season he was so frustrated after one loss that he didn't talk aside from irritated grunts for at least an hour after we got home.<br />
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We spend a lot of money as a family on soccer every year. Both kids play two seasons of traveling soccer each year, and that is not cheap. I won't do the math because it will make me ill, most of the traveling soccer parents likely put it directly out of their mind as soon as they write the team fees checks because if you dwell on it you wouldn't be happy. J is also a member of a soccer training academy where he gets extra coaching all year long. He is doing a few extra soccer camps this summer too. S would do soccer camps as well, but her summer musical rehearsal schedule means that we can't really fit in any for her. Should we expect to earn a return on our "investment" in the way of wins? How much is one win worth? A season of wins? Is a season of losses not worth the same?<br />
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For every game played there is a winner and a loser (or maybe they tie), does the winning team deserve to play more than the losing team does? Do the kids on the winning team get more out of the experience? I know it is more fun to win, but sometimes your team is just not the better team that day. Sometimes your team makes mistakes, sometimes the other team has some really fast forwards, and passes well, and you can't defend it every single time. Sometimes there are kids on the losing team that have excellent skills, and play their hearts out, but their team still loses. The focus on the outcome of the game is where most of us go first, and it doesn't matter how many articles we read about saying "I loved watching you play" at the conclusion of whatever event we still ask if they won or lost. I know that focus is misplaced, but in a culture of winners and losers and as a backlash to everyone gets a trophy (which I don't think exists anywhere outside of sports for very young kids) we focus on wins. I won't pretend that I don't get caught up in it too at times.<br />
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Last season J's team won more games than they have so far this year. But last year every time J had a practice or game he would complain about having to go to soccer, and at the conclusion of every practice he was in a bad mood. This year he has a new coach, is excited to go to soccer, needs little reminding to get ready, and mostly comes away in a good mood. His confidence on the field has increased tremendously. He has become really good at taking corner kicks, crossing the ball in front of the net for scoring opportunities, mastered a bunch of footwork skills with names I can't remember, and has scored a handful of goals. When you put all of those pieces together I think they make a successful season.<br />
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When we as parents put the focus solely on the outcome of every game we are vastly missing the point. S's team has played at least two different teams this year that were playing dirty. She is at the U10 gold level - which is the lower of the two U10 levels in our state and U10 overall doesn't have official standings. Basically wins and losses at the U10 level mean nothing more than we make of them. So why were girls from those teams pinching girls on S's team when the ref wasn't around to see? S tells me that in one case a girl dug her fingernail into S's teammate's leg and drew blood. WTF is that? Now whether that is the full truth, or somewhat exaggerated for a good story I can't be sure because I was at those games and didn't see it. Playing dirty is only a viable tactic if winning is the only thing that matters and your team doesn't have the skill to win without it - so basically it is never an option. The fact that any youth soccer team would be playing dirty to include pinching players from the other team is incomprehensible to me and yet it has happened with two different teams S has played this season. The only way stuff like this happens is because we as parents want to see our darling children win, and it is why so many kids quit sports by the time they are 13 or 14. Win at all costs does something to our culture - we don't want our kids to be bullies, but it is okay if they beat up on other kids at the soccer field if it is in the name of a win.<br />
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I'd much rather see my kids' teams lose every game if the alternative is playing dirty. Focus on foot skills, focus on passing, focus on shooting, and above all else focus on going out with your teammates and having fun - but if your attitude is that it isn't worth it to play at all if you never win? Maybe ask yourself why it is so important to win. Even if my U12 player was on the best team in the state, and won the state tournament for his level does that make him more worthy of love? Outside of the soccer community in our state would anyone even notice that it happened? T loves soccer, and will play a pick up game with others any chance he gets. Does he care if he wins or loses? I doubt it. He just likes to go out there and play. Why would we take that away from our kids at 12 years old? Absolutely celebrate victories, and be disappointed by losses, but keep it in perspective for yourself and your kids. Working hard to master skills is rewarding, and we don't always need external validation in the way of a win to be proud of ourselves. I went for a run this morning, and it sucked. I was tired, and I walked a bunch because I had very little energy for a variety of reasons. Did I come home and tell myself that I should quit running because a route that should take me no more than 42 minutes took me a lot longer than that? No, I came home, took a shower, started my day, and was thankful that I got to be outside by myself moving my body for 4 miles today.<br />
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Winning is nice, but it isn't the point. Sports teach our kids a lot of valuable life lessons, and one of them is that we don't always come out on top. We can do our best and still not win, and we still wake up the next day and get to have new experiences. During the walk to our cars I walked with another parent and J's coach. He said something about the soccer gods not being favorable to the team this year. I like the sentiment - J's team had some nice shots that went just wide or that the goalie saved, and the other team had some lucky bounces and some nice shots that did go in. I said that it was nice to see the team passing into space - even if some of those passes were a little too far into space, and he said that yes they had been working on that. Putting things from practice into the games, even if you aren't perfect is exactly what it is about. I won't pretend that my son is always happy to lose, but him being allowed to take risks, being allowed to go out there and mess up and come out still being okay - that is what it is about. Rather than saying it is too bad that you lost, I asked J if he had fun. Despite the loss he said that he did, and that is what matters. Life lessons on the soccer field...Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-66180758451642721162015-06-21T07:11:00.001-05:002015-06-21T07:11:12.254-05:00And just like that you are TwelveThe summer solstice is one of the best days of the year for many people. For our family it holds even more meaning as it is the day that The Boy was born. I can still remember waking up that Saturday morning 12 years ago, going about my normal routines but also knowing that it was my due date. I didn't really expect you to be born on time, but you were. And just like that we were parents, and you have changed us in ways we didn't know were possible. We love you so much, and are thrilled that we get to be your parents. Happy Birthday J!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby J</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizpLd-65bPdXOTri8oi6SPR5QzfURclpaKaiFE-8qZO9CTfi7i1LUnPcbxKifi0Uk6u-l_zzCkEcpQbuPfDHvolEer5w5PPrrxm2RUzo7kYPQJdO_kAY85mtiRegDXATszeRu9/s1600/Joel+baby+pics.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizpLd-65bPdXOTri8oi6SPR5QzfURclpaKaiFE-8qZO9CTfi7i1LUnPcbxKifi0Uk6u-l_zzCkEcpQbuPfDHvolEer5w5PPrrxm2RUzo7kYPQJdO_kAY85mtiRegDXATszeRu9/s320/Joel+baby+pics.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">New baby J and a tired new mom<br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One year old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzqs6BZwXDcZhvfmTGbmN9-rIALMgvaAIRjmZ68JNXNcvp2N7nNwEpFQJtsG46ucwMKU-vYe-odlNnzoBYOZVjI1vpJZAMtvWbEbVif0XfjaJSjWrc7WHkh-eDEFYr9FGd1E3Z/s1600/Joel+baby+pics-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzqs6BZwXDcZhvfmTGbmN9-rIALMgvaAIRjmZ68JNXNcvp2N7nNwEpFQJtsG46ucwMKU-vYe-odlNnzoBYOZVjI1vpJZAMtvWbEbVif0XfjaJSjWrc7WHkh-eDEFYr9FGd1E3Z/s320/Joel+baby+pics-3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2 years old (with baby sister)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgd23IjzSeyYervR_VI5y5RsGg5fLNOEZE_mPpqEKoExwhdvQMrba-Awdccfh-bUPA85q_JTCfBtypw7eQXph8YEb_7GlSTB4KzlD9rVM-5VBEzewsqUkWMcQ-onnVqk2ymc-A/s1600/100_2386.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgd23IjzSeyYervR_VI5y5RsGg5fLNOEZE_mPpqEKoExwhdvQMrba-Awdccfh-bUPA85q_JTCfBtypw7eQXph8YEb_7GlSTB4KzlD9rVM-5VBEzewsqUkWMcQ-onnVqk2ymc-A/s320/100_2386.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">3 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJygoUEx92U0qC-I9NQF11hp4dAdbHbLr369EZRKiaB1_R0VGgzSzkXxPpeFkX3kdZa6ozbfKxPC1BnMFDeBSEjPrflVd6ikJHo8kwf1oVDWoz-KOo3aPV_iGzjXl97BY8yJ5P/s1600/100_2902.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJygoUEx92U0qC-I9NQF11hp4dAdbHbLr369EZRKiaB1_R0VGgzSzkXxPpeFkX3kdZa6ozbfKxPC1BnMFDeBSEjPrflVd6ikJHo8kwf1oVDWoz-KOo3aPV_iGzjXl97BY8yJ5P/s320/100_2902.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">4 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0_IPjE_Pr4GWkNtQ8EpNbcOZLkpTR7pGV7kTYabagjGIKkE1MsUy3cf88wvZFvsD2-kPjWKOkPtIOz-ovuZ-P5tNkJc-VDGMtc3V53-L6dqEnuK261zE8H_hFmM8uOaspPDXZ/s1600/IMG_0353.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0_IPjE_Pr4GWkNtQ8EpNbcOZLkpTR7pGV7kTYabagjGIKkE1MsUy3cf88wvZFvsD2-kPjWKOkPtIOz-ovuZ-P5tNkJc-VDGMtc3V53-L6dqEnuK261zE8H_hFmM8uOaspPDXZ/s320/IMG_0353.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQJ4jVyH5-HrpK4sS5q-r_7X2XBl6L20KjwFUEFmZplS1fWW1HWmkAFfaCmmpZrIby7pZFi1W2Ykd3L45-fr1hPMs_UcnAea-ETdo4VsuBYUoa-YlGZ1FtPTHio79Vo_CU_Ili/s1600/P6201330.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQJ4jVyH5-HrpK4sS5q-r_7X2XBl6L20KjwFUEFmZplS1fWW1HWmkAFfaCmmpZrIby7pZFi1W2Ykd3L45-fr1hPMs_UcnAea-ETdo4VsuBYUoa-YlGZ1FtPTHio79Vo_CU_Ili/s320/P6201330.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">6 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ChGS24h2eWLc3L4-OVOEKAyLjLIUhZn2y37xDlXZgbIJFR2v2PRTnfHNGANchjVUkGWSJ6lIAkj0tgz5WwPqvc8-08uIvb_EEACu-73F3y3zvvEJgtHfPkFh4FNHuSrgNrdD/s1600/IMG_1642.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ChGS24h2eWLc3L4-OVOEKAyLjLIUhZn2y37xDlXZgbIJFR2v2PRTnfHNGANchjVUkGWSJ6lIAkj0tgz5WwPqvc8-08uIvb_EEACu-73F3y3zvvEJgtHfPkFh4FNHuSrgNrdD/s320/IMG_1642.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">7 years old (and an awesome Mario cake made by Grandma)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWD6fIKjnHBJAcsh3jzxNBN5WImTzmfToKlmJMXpxeRPGdWziI0HeIiejM0ZU3y61SRH-n5x1wzf4h5s4CSvuMJRF-pqVfY4jk3cPEVVRQiHrfdWTrXiWGoCcfjIAZ0C8TsfRp/s1600/IMG_2200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWD6fIKjnHBJAcsh3jzxNBN5WImTzmfToKlmJMXpxeRPGdWziI0HeIiejM0ZU3y61SRH-n5x1wzf4h5s4CSvuMJRF-pqVfY4jk3cPEVVRQiHrfdWTrXiWGoCcfjIAZ0C8TsfRp/s320/IMG_2200.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">8 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr7fQhOnKaZADh0bFuIiDZWqvFPydWHSBxwDAq9kNpVRWpS0cj2PiTp1Gt4PrvViCxcnbcd_Kt7_gSkqrmwa1qzAyd_B_3N_xRoUwwU21MlYhPJJOmL8SeEZsY_uEbRF0DK5KP/s1600/IMG_3011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr7fQhOnKaZADh0bFuIiDZWqvFPydWHSBxwDAq9kNpVRWpS0cj2PiTp1Gt4PrvViCxcnbcd_Kt7_gSkqrmwa1qzAyd_B_3N_xRoUwwU21MlYhPJJOmL8SeEZsY_uEbRF0DK5KP/s320/IMG_3011.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0kkL2MQvtqnRNDvYnIWL9p0yXX44kNRFuf1EYiXr1RceGkOde8FBh99i4SVyhYTDzT9ylgPxNxdXuEk3OBWITdrCsPk7mypQEj63p7MKsht97mQ1AYXn2UXAEyiR3Gh_KaT2B/s1600/DSC02089.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0kkL2MQvtqnRNDvYnIWL9p0yXX44kNRFuf1EYiXr1RceGkOde8FBh99i4SVyhYTDzT9ylgPxNxdXuEk3OBWITdrCsPk7mypQEj63p7MKsht97mQ1AYXn2UXAEyiR3Gh_KaT2B/s320/DSC02089.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">10 years old (had to have a soccer picture included)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzbISbvq9OdCmARC-6gL4UCANZC1jGlft7I7jX7u_2nrLqpiI0V3P3rDMyQwD2Ziz2yR71W7EC98Z747bZ98Yl3v-WYtk-GjjSrshcLRsOhMnceyF0eHdL940WMQ5ZujsoAb1z/s1600/IMG_0504.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzbISbvq9OdCmARC-6gL4UCANZC1jGlft7I7jX7u_2nrLqpiI0V3P3rDMyQwD2Ziz2yR71W7EC98Z747bZ98Yl3v-WYtk-GjjSrshcLRsOhMnceyF0eHdL940WMQ5ZujsoAb1z/s320/IMG_0504.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">11 years old with our new puppy</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2wprnQDrQMZnEC1DtgU8gggplzvHrqcEjGhyVx0uX9Uatzsq1uvYmL1l7lC8vlS4lk7xHfipeaignZnKzIgs1FTEbFhYS3rPWnhjjs3e49fkmvaMvNyVISNOR6fDvB3EzzO2z/s1600/DSC07276.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2wprnQDrQMZnEC1DtgU8gggplzvHrqcEjGhyVx0uX9Uatzsq1uvYmL1l7lC8vlS4lk7xHfipeaignZnKzIgs1FTEbFhYS3rPWnhjjs3e49fkmvaMvNyVISNOR6fDvB3EzzO2z/s320/DSC07276.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nearly 12 years old in this picture</td></tr>
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Even if I was a little annoyed to be woken up unusually early for a Sunday by you and your buddies this morning I was grateful that you are here to share our lives. You bring so much to this world, and I know that your quiet thoughtful always noticing always feeling self is going to continue to bring a lot of joy into this world. Enjoy your birthday buddy, and I will maybe enjoy another cup or 2 of coffee to make up for my lack of sleep.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-77289326514928749682015-05-25T21:00:00.001-05:002015-05-25T21:00:17.067-05:00Running - my friendI'm not as dedicated to running as I was when I started this blog. I take more random days off because running isn't convenient than I did when I first fell in love with running. I also take it for granted a lot, and I don't really race much anymore. I think I did just one race last year, and I only half-heartedly trained for it (the TC 10 miler, because if you are going to run just one race in a year you might as well make it a 10 mile race). I typically run 20-25 miles per week, without any training plan or any real goals from any of the mileage I put in. That suits me just fine most of the time. I might run a few races this year, or I might not, but I can always count on being able to run a solid 6 miles if I feel like it.<br />
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We visited my Dad and Step-Mom yesterday and spent the night at their new house. When I woke up this morning it was raining steadily, and my initial thought of driving to the Lakewalk to run sort of vanished. I had visions of the kids throwing rocks into Lake Superior while T and I ran. In the cold rain though I knew nobody would be up for that but me. I still wanted to run though so I quickly scanned the map from my running app to see what routes I could come up with. I found something that looked to be a decent route and headed out. The first thing I realized upon starting though was that there was a really long kind of steep hill at the start. Rather than readjust my route I decided to suck it up and run up the hill and hope for the best. The run ended up being great. Despite the hills, I was in a good groove and the miles ticked away and felt easy. The best part of planning an out and back route with a huge hill at the beginning is knowing that you get to run down that huge hill at the end. The hills did make my overall time slower than I like to see, but even with that my time was decent. I ran faster than I do from home many times (although my routes from home all have at least one cursed hill in them too).<br />
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I won't drone on about running, because I think people who don't run actually hate hearing about running from runners. Weird. I will add though that today reminded me how much I love to run. It reminded me how awesome it feels to be out there in the rain when everyone else thinks you are a bit crazy, and it reminded me that I still have it in me if I want it enough. I'm glad running is still my friend, and I know it will be for a long time to come.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKONXG6UypTsf7ur9raIznAC_KZIp2ax9jORlxserb7p8H4Qu36-HkFnIfFjYj999VkbRU7KtE8q68esayt1hTwDFQ4J6XcrP2MO8HKaAtRCpdZ5dfWkl67JqjfjC4Vw4dk_N/s1600/IMG_1523.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKONXG6UypTsf7ur9raIznAC_KZIp2ax9jORlxserb7p8H4Qu36-HkFnIfFjYj999VkbRU7KtE8q68esayt1hTwDFQ4J6XcrP2MO8HKaAtRCpdZ5dfWkl67JqjfjC4Vw4dk_N/s320/IMG_1523.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Notice the rain drop falling from my hat brim</td></tr>
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-41497205582657988472015-05-20T05:57:00.001-05:002015-05-21T13:38:50.532-05:00Ten<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
My baby girl turns 10 today. It seems almost impossible that she has reached double digits already. I can still vividly remember moving into our "new" house while pregnant with her. So much has changed in my life since she was born, but then again so much is also the same. We have a great family, and our lives are so much richer and better because this girl is part of it.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v618/weedie/100_1691.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v618/weedie/100_1691.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One day old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtQOHx0KJgqIcGPhJdrZew0om4NtIZtH5z7ZWe_nZkuuOEl1rjn6PO9imoX-KY7RSAD0dARfq9Zm6vtf6XL5BH4qdhiPxN73QsSp2dzfy2PjN6_7XO_22Nj7abGNbd5PJoppVR/s1600/100_2272.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtQOHx0KJgqIcGPhJdrZew0om4NtIZtH5z7ZWe_nZkuuOEl1rjn6PO9imoX-KY7RSAD0dARfq9Zm6vtf6XL5BH4qdhiPxN73QsSp2dzfy2PjN6_7XO_22Nj7abGNbd5PJoppVR/s320/100_2272.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Almost one year old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-nq7V30NN39_nMmJrAlaaw7OnNCON81i6zLSpo1V0CJimGyCdNUEmm8ho0R1i2p48UBEOxxJ3GPaEMyGuSwqpJRzR_Jz2-ztM2CscXeN8myIGYmhoAOIpHKInLCTnQ8Vgm05t/s1600/100_2335.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-nq7V30NN39_nMmJrAlaaw7OnNCON81i6zLSpo1V0CJimGyCdNUEmm8ho0R1i2p48UBEOxxJ3GPaEMyGuSwqpJRzR_Jz2-ztM2CscXeN8myIGYmhoAOIpHKInLCTnQ8Vgm05t/s320/100_2335.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First Birthday</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzz2iu9EJDYVmJ7SKikCX-5re7P2g1ntRWyVUzsFu1uXmhtxZQTItBZTwHM4Z7YQKPiGZMdYeSXKfkq5odHU7Vb52lYHGYxLxQysyMxaKavA489KEF6aFlyMeqgmdXOpMDOJju/s1600/100_2820.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzz2iu9EJDYVmJ7SKikCX-5re7P2g1ntRWyVUzsFu1uXmhtxZQTItBZTwHM4Z7YQKPiGZMdYeSXKfkq5odHU7Vb52lYHGYxLxQysyMxaKavA489KEF6aFlyMeqgmdXOpMDOJju/s320/100_2820.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib36XLV7F8HziL6MoBpzZTF5W1e0-THhrfat1BHfgrAvJvYPaymeJA8WCACm-HXhvWXRBk0CuxTeZ_PonE1w1_cjnuD7MSFKdz6be77oxXVpBCNApr_ZG98NqOZ8rXfb7Qq3qR/s1600/P5170358.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib36XLV7F8HziL6MoBpzZTF5W1e0-THhrfat1BHfgrAvJvYPaymeJA8WCACm-HXhvWXRBk0CuxTeZ_PonE1w1_cjnuD7MSFKdz6be77oxXVpBCNApr_ZG98NqOZ8rXfb7Qq3qR/s320/P5170358.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">3 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz0xzG6ygIHh8P1sx-exi0YCX7LDIcFo5p_5VOP7FN77aab1cF6f3q7w46PltMu3OyV5wa0toq_1hAzXLUAhc1VqOhA-SE5Ko8upPzfHAzWp403PpipM6QihowxAg5FAk5JV8A/s1600/IMG_0738.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz0xzG6ygIHh8P1sx-exi0YCX7LDIcFo5p_5VOP7FN77aab1cF6f3q7w46PltMu3OyV5wa0toq_1hAzXLUAhc1VqOhA-SE5Ko8upPzfHAzWp403PpipM6QihowxAg5FAk5JV8A/s320/IMG_0738.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">4 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhePwRp6evqxoSCMdWwt-OqQOTOUo80aZ1poOhbQb8myiPWaXozCf8IEXN4c6mHQ9B2qXIK2bAtqVxS8WBt9b3zn0ehHK7ek6guJquSawp1W6eYGssMGYCcv0ECxhZPn96CiKLv/s1600/IMG_1514.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhePwRp6evqxoSCMdWwt-OqQOTOUo80aZ1poOhbQb8myiPWaXozCf8IEXN4c6mHQ9B2qXIK2bAtqVxS8WBt9b3zn0ehHK7ek6guJquSawp1W6eYGssMGYCcv0ECxhZPn96CiKLv/s320/IMG_1514.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_IBycdhNB06fL2no_IlN-Zz3EGH6UptUoRHzNbq2AwL2AC8PDlNxMgV3h2j04wrLcoR-6xHu9Xvd4XuikIHX0qfROnnEukW7EOVOvLYFYWJjx-EZ9aN0rQM4BVfPfGHlfxoTi/s1600/IMG_2047.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_IBycdhNB06fL2no_IlN-Zz3EGH6UptUoRHzNbq2AwL2AC8PDlNxMgV3h2j04wrLcoR-6xHu9Xvd4XuikIHX0qfROnnEukW7EOVOvLYFYWJjx-EZ9aN0rQM4BVfPfGHlfxoTi/s320/IMG_2047.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">6 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxYtfFZ1j-2fqMJgqycFWHe386LfnhnKIyLS0VAVJ_3T0YsGQt_aj1NyIJ-rMNz1VkanOvLBhda4Ke9pO5sMe9rH7_LtbGMKUWy9v0sOMyvG-cLh1EtYEPH-AwcDHh7vC3TwCI/s1600/IMG_2789.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxYtfFZ1j-2fqMJgqycFWHe386LfnhnKIyLS0VAVJ_3T0YsGQt_aj1NyIJ-rMNz1VkanOvLBhda4Ke9pO5sMe9rH7_LtbGMKUWy9v0sOMyvG-cLh1EtYEPH-AwcDHh7vC3TwCI/s320/IMG_2789.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">7 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguiQGL94qAnfq-LwUZ8zS7DPooBBuK61AAKceEmirRprg9kcYDjkk3ayF58KHyd9pqwVIV0RDfV8CIKTyP1GLlXCabOyZ6AjRFDKrLdodiEyqyELWvYcA60VrBZkQEC6rENKki/s1600/DSC00878.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguiQGL94qAnfq-LwUZ8zS7DPooBBuK61AAKceEmirRprg9kcYDjkk3ayF58KHyd9pqwVIV0RDfV8CIKTyP1GLlXCabOyZ6AjRFDKrLdodiEyqyELWvYcA60VrBZkQEC6rENKki/s320/DSC00878.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">8 years old</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5ez0qKQUoqQ5MNqGNG38oW3GvCzZ2iNEh3UmjzRfIsCRqXoTeIlPqJ3Y8ns4tl7kF5wfW9zO7JqbYkcFiYv-Knlqe_bhbG1apRvnvfakEyqcEMeSfYd1nly8AgMCKnqhur9fO/s1600/DSC04707.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5ez0qKQUoqQ5MNqGNG38oW3GvCzZ2iNEh3UmjzRfIsCRqXoTeIlPqJ3Y8ns4tl7kF5wfW9zO7JqbYkcFiYv-Knlqe_bhbG1apRvnvfakEyqcEMeSfYd1nly8AgMCKnqhur9fO/s320/DSC04707.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9 years old</td></tr>
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There isn't much more for me to say. I am lucky to be this girl's Mom, she has taught me more than I ever thought was possible. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you my now a tween baby girl.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The 10 year old rollerblading at her birthday party</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Second year in a row playing in a soccer game on her birthday</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirqyqjwAou-FeyG65avKQEw6FSFLnICaZxaON9G9pblxLj6q1k6Gqxz13IPgrhZWylyzLD4ZwPOAuB13CcIPhYfAhUZJP3Lrcj7ytT36nQY4PGlWMD2phIyzcNdXUeRvxR2Zh9/s1600/DSC07077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirqyqjwAou-FeyG65avKQEw6FSFLnICaZxaON9G9pblxLj6q1k6Gqxz13IPgrhZWylyzLD4ZwPOAuB13CcIPhYfAhUZJP3Lrcj7ytT36nQY4PGlWMD2phIyzcNdXUeRvxR2Zh9/s320/DSC07077.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Birthday cake</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7UHePJ0sSuj3-7JtR5Rexq6LzzUCdDmRaLuvln8zT2PcAxQPhpZNQUxKkJ0BK2RNEVN22XG3G5_1xCNkqZnoPEXnmtaW_f9wOB4cEDmYdyg2f24bhnXzfzwSv1R5f7qfKat3z/s1600/DSC07080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7UHePJ0sSuj3-7JtR5Rexq6LzzUCdDmRaLuvln8zT2PcAxQPhpZNQUxKkJ0BK2RNEVN22XG3G5_1xCNkqZnoPEXnmtaW_f9wOB4cEDmYdyg2f24bhnXzfzwSv1R5f7qfKat3z/s320/DSC07080.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Had to take her hair down for pictures (same outfit as the 9 year old pic)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2aIXgxJouHj9GCass3Z7bpqfhUfUE3SYM7iAd_xtWxsqnSIR3MhAtvpcmjcvFFYQx32OVqVX7i1Ugypxvyl13xUru2JTvSSoKmF3anIrtVCtKFSKWAFtl9OUK0miRqJ5BB0pY/s1600/DSC07081.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2aIXgxJouHj9GCass3Z7bpqfhUfUE3SYM7iAd_xtWxsqnSIR3MhAtvpcmjcvFFYQx32OVqVX7i1Ugypxvyl13xUru2JTvSSoKmF3anIrtVCtKFSKWAFtl9OUK0miRqJ5BB0pY/s320/DSC07081.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big brother as a very close audience</td></tr>
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Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-6456028621349636522015-05-06T10:09:00.003-05:002015-05-06T10:09:49.769-05:00Body LanguageHere is where I admit that I am a <a href="http://www.ted.com/" target="_blank">TED talk</a> junkie. I love them. I watch them while I eat lunch sometimes (the perks of working from home), and the talks that move me I watch over and over again. I am not sure if the most powerful talks I've seen were really powerful enough to get me to see things from a different perspective, or if I was ready to hear their messages and therefore they held some power. I've talked about the Brene Brown talks in a previous blog post, but her talks especially her TEDx talk is one of my all time favorites. I have watched it at least 10 times if not more. Maybe that makes me a stalker, or maybe the message is just that good that I want to hear it repeatedly. Anyway, I won't drone on about Brene Brown, but seriously watch her first talk if you haven't already, and read her books. You won't regret it.<br />
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The most recent TED Talk that has me fascinated is a talk by <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en#t-1232266" target="_blank">Amy Cuddy</a> about body language. I watched it several weeks ago, and was curious about whether her power pose suggestions would work. I decided to try it for myself. In the past few weeks when I have had to give a presentation or just try to get my point across on one of the many many calls I find myself on each day (the perks of working from home again) I have done some form of power posing as I sit comfortably in my office where nobody on the phone can see me doing so. I also did more subtle forms of power posing while I was at my company's HQ and giving in-person presentations last week. The results of my not at all scientific study with a sample size of one and no control group have concluded that power posing is in fact effective. I have not managed to convince everyone at work that I am right about everything yet. However, I've made some small chips away at progress forward, and got approval for something that seemed almost impossible just a few months ago. Was it the power posing, or was it the year + of work I've put into honing my message? It was likely mostly the latter, but the power posing possibly helped me to deliver the message in a way that made me sound more convincing.<br />
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I was so excited by my power posing experiment that I told my kids about it. I showed them what power posing was, and then told them that they could do it before tests at school (the more subtle poses I suppose, though I think kids could get away with even the more overt poses). I also told them that they could do it before track meets and soccer games. They both rolled their eyes at me.<br />
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This week both kids had their first soccer games of the season. I don't think I <strike>reminded</strike> tortured the Girl with a reminder to power pose before her game - as I was likely busy just trying to get her there on time. She played well despite no power posing, scored a goal and got out of a 4 on 1 and away with the ball during one of her shifts playing defense. Her team won that game 8-2 - imagine if they had power posed! I think their success could be attributed to the cheer her team came up with. It is creative and pretty awesome - The Girl keeps repeating it. Or maybe it had more to do with skill and the mismatch between their team and the other.<br />
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I did say something to the Boy before his game though. He rolled his eyes at me. The first half of his game was rough. His team has 14 players, and I think 13 were there last night. 3 of his teammates have never played with the group before - and I think at least 2 boys are U11 players playing up to U12. Their passing fluidity wasn't quite there. I think they were all trying to get a feel for each other in a game situation again. The Boy looked okay during the first half, but even he was struggling a bit to find his groove. The second half took on a different note though. The Boy (and several others on the team) had some nice opportunities. He had at least one great shot on goal from a good distance away that was just perfectly placed - high in the net, hard for the goalie to save, but the goalie had a great jump save and managed to deflect it out over the back of the net. That led to a corner which The Boy took, and nearly led to a goal, and then a second corner shortly thereafter that he also took and did lead to a goal. His team ended up losing 1-2, in a game they certainly had the ability to win, but it was still a good game. When The Boy found us at the end of the game I asked him who had tipped in his corner kick for the goal, and he said the other team did so he got the credit for the goal. He was beaming, and clearly proud of how well he had played.<br />
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In the car on the way home he said "Mom, I didn't want you to be right, or to tell you about it, but I tried the power posing you talked about when I was sitting in the rain shelter tent between shifts. I pretended I was tired and stretching, but I was really power posing." He had a small little impish grin on his face, and he said "I think it works." So was it the power posing? Or was it the 9 months of him getting extra skills training at <a href="http://www.leftfootcoaching.com/" target="_blank">Left Foot Academy</a>? I guess we can't really know, but hey power posing is pretty easy to do, and if it gives you a mental boost, why not try it?<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-49107153897472313432015-04-26T09:28:00.003-05:002015-04-26T09:30:14.192-05:00In this momentThe phrase <span style="color: lime;">living in the moment</span> seems so happy and free, so why is it so elusive? I won't speak collectively, but for my own life I know that I have spent most of my time either contemplating the past or wondering about the future. To what end? Has it made me better prepared to think through many different what if scenarios? Has it ever helped me to change mistakes I've made in the past? The answer to both is that is hasn't.<br />
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I think a healthy dose of reflection to process things we've done in our past is helpful, but only so much as we process them to a place where we can forgive ourselves of any mistakes and move on. Any more lingering in the past I think holds us back from living fully. As a parent I've seen that this is likely universal (small sample size of my own children, so humongous leap to say it is universal I know). I've watched my children make their own mistakes. I've stood by them to help them process what they've done or forgotten to do, and tried my best to help them cope with those feelings. After being a shoulder for them to cry on, talking through everything that happened, and projecting a bit about what might happen next, the best I can come up with is that it will hurt for a while but eventually it will hurt less. I think sometimes we learn our greatest lessons by teaching another. I struggle with perfectionism, but being a parent has helped me to shed that burden better than anything else I've encountered. I've told my kids that they are human, and they will make mistakes because that is part of human nature. I've told them that they are only 9 and only 11, and nobody expects such young children to be right every single time. I remind them of my age and tell them that I'm still making mistakes every single day, but I'm still here learning and growing each day. I've told them that sometimes mistakes are big, and sometimes you can't fix them, but even those unfixable mistakes teach us great lessons. In my case I'd say that the more I try to teach my kids to move on from their past mistakes, the more I'm able to do it for myself.<br />
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Projecting about the future is harder for me to tackle. We all want to be prepared for what might come next. At work it absolutely makes sense to do the tasks you need to complete in order to be ready for a big presentation or client meeting, or whatever else it might be. What doesn't work for me is going through what if scenarios to predict how people might respond to that big presentation. It is almost always better to just ask the people you are worrying about what they think. Maybe the key is deciding what you need to focus on now and knowing that the future will remain uncertain until it becomes the present? Or maybe it is always a tricky balance that involves a conscious decision to stop worrying about what might be when I find myself fixating about it.<br />
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My last post about <a href="http://www.treadmillinginplace.blogspot.com/2015/04/expectations.html" target="_blank">expectations</a> touched on this too. This is clearly an area where I have more work to do. I think that my knowledge that this is a trouble area for me is powerful though. I'm more aware of it, and therefore I'm less likely to be drug down in the details of it for long. Like so many other things I've seen, once you see them you can't unsee them. I know that my tendency is to do everything myself rather than to ask for help from anyone. When I'm in the middle of one of those cycles I tend to feel resentful of the bystanders who aren't helping me though. They aren't helping me because I never asked for their help, but yet I want them to just know that I need help without asking for it. I can see how crazy this cycle is, and now whenever I get into one of these cycles and my first urge it to be mad at the bystanders I instead see that I again didn't ask for help. This could lead me to be angry at myself for not asking for help, and it did when I first recognized this pattern. However, now that knowledge has led me to a place where I actually ask for help when I need help. I don't always ask for help, but I do more and more.<br />
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I think living in the moment is a great goal. It is likely a goal that most of us won't fully achieve in our lifetimes. There will always be a balance between reflecting on the past and projecting about the future. I guess the alternative is pretty aptly played out in the robin who keeps flying into the windows on the back of our house. He is pretty convinced that the reflections he sees are other birds trying to come into his nesting territory. He doesn't learn from the hundreds of past mistakes because he is living in the moment always, he also doesn't project his past mistakes into the future to stop himself from whacking into another window painfully. Reflection and projection are gifts, and living in the moment is too. I think in order to life in the moment you need to know how to reflect and project effectively. I think that rather than repeatedly flying into windows painfully I'll take this alternative. I'll accept that at times I will reflect too much, and at times I will project too much, but every once in a while I will find myself fully enjoying the present - living in the moment.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj98b1nAOLki5LinK3G6vh1Vp4dPpjx4rBIEziI90cyPeseADdHfqqpopvfuOWw5K_bFL6SnZqDTKXP9ynpcrSYNYM1O5mOHKAPn5WVIcIxhpTZQ_u_t4EZOMQuGE2Ezbj_4how/s1600/IMG_1405.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj98b1nAOLki5LinK3G6vh1Vp4dPpjx4rBIEziI90cyPeseADdHfqqpopvfuOWw5K_bFL6SnZqDTKXP9ynpcrSYNYM1O5mOHKAPn5WVIcIxhpTZQ_u_t4EZOMQuGE2Ezbj_4how/s1600/IMG_1405.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The bird is remarkably able to evade photos but he loves this window</td></tr>
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-2858320492724803082015-04-11T08:39:00.001-05:002015-04-11T08:40:26.467-05:00ExpectationsMy family and I went on a spring break trip to Florida. My goal for the trip was for our family to go to a place with a beach, with warm temperatures, and an ocean. I wanted to lay on the beach or by a pool and read a book, dipping myself into the water when I felt too hot, but otherwise relaxing. In my pre-trip planning conversations with T, he pointed out to me that my vision for what the vacation would be did not match up with reality. I ignored him. It is not as if I am new to this. We have taken many vacations with our kids, and each time my vision of the vacation does not match up with the reality. Apparently T had learned from each of those past vacations, and I chose to remain stubborn in accepting the truth. His advice had been to skip the vacation and just stay home with the kids where we are all comfortable in our routines so at least the anxiety that comes from being in a new place, sleeping in a new bed, etc. didn't come into play. As I said, I ignored him. I told T that it was important for me to give our kids new places to visit and explore, new ways to expand their worlds. He relented, and we planned the vacation or maybe more accurately I trampled over him and I planned the vacation.<br />
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Fast forward to the actual vacation, we made it to Florida and ultimately made it to our hotel on the beach. Our room was great - a 2 bedroom suite with a full kitchen and 3 televisions, a short walk to the beach, and a nice pool with ample lounge chairs around it. And then the reality of what it means to vacation with 3 other people, two of which are children, who all have their own agendas sunk in. The Girl deals with uncertainty by wanting to numb which usually means watching TV or some other screen - those 3 televisions in our suite were heaven sent for her. One of our struggles during the vacation became a battle with her about not just sitting inside and watching Cartoon Network or Disney Channel, but rather enjoying the warm weather we had traveled to. The Boy internalizes his angst, and then blows up when he can't contain it anymore. T and I have our own struggles that add to the powder keg and make a vacation with our family kind of uncertain and ready to blow at just about any moment for any small reason.<br />
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I think I finally get now that it is my expectations about what I want the vacation to be, and how I want everyone else to act that cause me (and the rest of the family as a result) the most angst. I know that I was somewhat determined to prove T wrong, to show him that our kids are now old enough for a vacation, and that we would all have a great time. If I had been able to let go of what I wanted to happen, and just enjoyed the what is happening perhaps things could have been a little smoother. Or not. I think the reality is that even though there were hungry whiney children (and adults!) who didn't eat exactly at the right meal time, and ate too much junk food, and watched too much tv, and freaked out over trivial things (me most likely) we still had fun. My kids got to go snorkeling for the first time in their lives. We saw a wild tortoise who was very curious about humans and seemed completely unafraid. We saw some beautiful sunsets - and I saw a beautiful sunrise while the rest of the family slept. We got to walk on a beautiful beach, bask in the sun, and swim in the ocean. We learned how to make perfect hotel Belgian waffles in a crowded hotel breakfast bar. We found some pretty shells. We tried to see manatees unsuccessfully, but even that failed venture has become part of our family story.<br />
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In the end, both T and I were right. The vacation was a disaster, and our kids are old enough to enjoy a great family vacation. Our summer vacation will likely be in driving distance for us, and I'm sure it will be terrible and fabulous at the same time. I make no promises about letting go of my expectations, but maybe I can snap myself out of them a little bit faster in the future. The best part of taking a lot of pictures while on vacation is that over time you forget all of the whiney parts of a vacation and you look at the pictures and remember the wonder and the fun, and the fabulous. Here is to lowered expectations, and a lifetime of memories. I wouldn't trade the messy, crabby, terrible, and frustrating moments because if I did, we wouldn't have what is real.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-4203460430011424442015-02-19T08:36:00.001-05:002015-03-11T08:54:47.530-05:00The joy is in the journeyI've posted recently about the spiritual journey I have been on for the past many months. Or maybe I just imagined that I posted about it. Anyway, I have been on a journey, one that has expanded my mind beyond what I knew was possible before. I was meant to find Oprah's Super Soul Sunday shows, and I know I was meant to drink them in and learn all I could from the inspirational guests. Watching those shows has led me to follow interesting thinkers that would never have been in my world before. Some of those guests are deeply religious, and since I am not deeply religious their deep faith has started to make me question my own lack of religion. I saw Rob Bell and his wife Kristen Bell on Super Soul Sunday last weekend, and I thought their message was refreshing. Now I see that he has angered the established Christian community by saying that the church will eventually accept Gay Marriage. I went down a rabbit hole of articles about him, and I guess this is not new hatred for him. It makes me sad though, and somewhat reaffirms my stance on religion in my life.<br />
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I have never been religious. I grew up sporadically going to church - a very liberal United Church of Christ community, where honestly I still felt out of place. I went through the confirmation process through the church, and then decided I didn't want to go again, so I didn't. I haven't attended church regularly since I was confirmed. I'm not sure what that says, but it is what it is. Through my childhood I also went to Awana's meetings with some neighbor friends. Awana's and the summer camps we went away to, were probably my only real life encounters with evangelical like communities. I was asked to invite Jesus into my heart, and I did, but only because everyone else seemed to think it was super important and they really wanted me to do it. Looking back at those experiences - and there were others with different youth groups that came into my life through my teen years, it makes me cringe. That was not a path to god for me. It certainly may be the path to god for some people, but it wasn't for me. I have no qualms with people using religion to get closer to god, but I've made peace with the fact that religion is not my avenue to get there.<br />
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My journey has led me to a place where I can see god in everything and in everyone. I don't need to go to a church every week, and read scripture to tell me that there is a god. I know in my heart that god doesn't need me to be able to recite scripture, or to live by a certain set of firm rules to love me either. I feel closest to god when I'm in nature, when I look at my kids, and when I feel the love I have for others and that they have for me. Some people might say that I will go to hell because I don't fully abide by a certain religion's rules, but I don't buy that for a minute. It is okay for them to think it though, I don't need to change anyone's mind. I know that the god who created me, and everyone else in the world did not do so out of spite or with a large test looming that I need to pass. I'm enough just as I am, and while I do think there were struggles placed in front of me so that I would finally see what god is - or a glimpse of what god is anyway, there was no test in any of my experiences either. We are all given trials in this life, and we either learn from them or we hide from them. When we learn from the trials, our minds expand, and we do gain a greater clarity of what it means to be human though.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A bad picture of a wall hanging I have</td></tr>
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It is great that for many people their paths to god come through religion and scripture, I think that is the whole point. Not all of us will follow that conventional path though. There was never any god in church for me, I only found static words on a page that had very little meaning for me personally. I can look back at my experiences in church with a different view now though. I think that at least in the Christian church where I have some exposure there are lots of great messages in the scriptures. I believe that Jesus was a very enlightened thinker, and he understood that god was in everything. Regardless of whether or not I believe he was the messiah, I do believe he gave the world a gift which was shifting from a view of a vengeful god that we see in the Old Testament to the loving and forgiving god we see in the New Testament. Ultimately scripture cannot give us the only way to find god, but I understand why people want to use it that way. Faith can be scary at times, because really what if we are wrong about all of it? I feel as though many people today want to interpret scriptures literally because they are afraid of what it means for them if they were meant to be fluid. I won't pretend to be a religious scholar, and my goal is not to offend anyone here. It is okay if you read this and you think I'm going to hell, I promise I won't hold it against you.<br />
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We are all on a journey in one form or another, and finding god for me has been incredibly joyful. I have no intention of telling others that god can't be found in a church, because I don't think that's true. I just know that church was not the way for me to find god, and maybe it never will be. I don't know what all of the hateful venom about Rob Bell is all about, but I do think that whatever is spewed says a lot more about the person spewing than it does about Rob Bell himself. I am not a follower of his, but from the brief glimpse I've had it appears as though he was a rising Christian star, and then walked away from it and found his own path. Maybe his early followers feel betrayed that he left the comfortable path they know. I do know that I never would have heard of Rob Bell if not for Oprah, and if his message was strictly from quoting scripture I wouldn't be all that interested in what he has to say. He may have deviated from the traditional Christian leadership path, but continuing to recite the same lines from religious texts was never going to get me to suddenly start going to church. I suspect is it the same for many others. Seeing the message that underlies all of the scripture is the ultimate goal isn't it?<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-51203484585090152992015-02-14T09:00:00.002-05:002015-03-11T08:53:58.804-05:00A trip to LondonI traveled to London for work this week. I've been to London before, always for work, and this time was no different. However this time around I left home Sunday night and got in decently early Monday morning. I also didn't absolutely need to work until Wednesday morning. This meant that I had a couple of days to adjust and sightsee prior to the real work commitments. After making it to my hotel I found one of my favorite colleagues and forced him to go on a walking tour of London with me. Well I didn't really force him, and what I thought was going to be a quick walk and then lunch turned into 3+ hours of walking.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Tower of London</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tower Bridge</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Shard</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR8xWFokUzvA0GYuE1Mcm4Tv0sjB-K_1LwfCGH1h4yUuWcfGYfXmSnIZiwDZxAs0tGk4Vn_z_nZ0HjCzeqPFDnj6_0kGKvW-TbjR8PoNrVDkXVT-rRJgTlMp-XTTc07pRAdUdR/s1600/IMG_1132.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR8xWFokUzvA0GYuE1Mcm4Tv0sjB-K_1LwfCGH1h4yUuWcfGYfXmSnIZiwDZxAs0tGk4Vn_z_nZ0HjCzeqPFDnj6_0kGKvW-TbjR8PoNrVDkXVT-rRJgTlMp-XTTc07pRAdUdR/s1600/IMG_1132.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tower of London from across the Thames</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRG2ZDIMkA84HwrsZua9oupwHau2oy-n9e-bCfx5Qo6twcY3outwMiFZdMmkT1lcmuDZrnrfJehqQeeXTEnANn9T4RNotSHQ_JO7I3WV7q4BkBmSknzD-PPYbp3eq_FUBn_d42/s1600/IMG_1131.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRG2ZDIMkA84HwrsZua9oupwHau2oy-n9e-bCfx5Qo6twcY3outwMiFZdMmkT1lcmuDZrnrfJehqQeeXTEnANn9T4RNotSHQ_JO7I3WV7q4BkBmSknzD-PPYbp3eq_FUBn_d42/s1600/IMG_1131.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Tower of London</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj2EL43NaACBJMraszfEVYK7ukjcHzN8yzP6P473rqO-m7Z7IqS_8YRpY033eTgqlwZyBP0LbrgB_lszyIQKi2QHbJKQ_svKQ5cKC9UIEuJAZOktdZIxG-gTGkEVXuqBlalwHV/s1600/IMG_1145.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj2EL43NaACBJMraszfEVYK7ukjcHzN8yzP6P473rqO-m7Z7IqS_8YRpY033eTgqlwZyBP0LbrgB_lszyIQKi2QHbJKQ_svKQ5cKC9UIEuJAZOktdZIxG-gTGkEVXuqBlalwHV/s1600/IMG_1145.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLpJd0Vv_ee0ROYgifNZvP5rdc5_vGuDMtCTfor9QTXXBl8zn-61APRSBlXMYriF2-sqILc8bzLdrPEZExARe9rzos2QDqfTmNkcDjG77WJXSz7Wzve3RpzuQuu3sNu9lFJl1Q/s1600/IMG_1140.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLpJd0Vv_ee0ROYgifNZvP5rdc5_vGuDMtCTfor9QTXXBl8zn-61APRSBlXMYriF2-sqILc8bzLdrPEZExARe9rzos2QDqfTmNkcDjG77WJXSz7Wzve3RpzuQuu3sNu9lFJl1Q/s1600/IMG_1140.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">St. Paul's Cathedral</td></tr>
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It was a great tour of parts of London I hadn't seen before. After we made it back to our hotel we caught up with 2 other colleagues who had flown in a little later than I did. We then went on another 2-3 hour walking tour of London. I was unprepared for the length of that journey, and my boots with 3 inch heels started to make my feet long for a pair of running shoes. We walked a third time that day as we looked for a place to eat. I finally changed into some flat boots for that walk though, and my feet thanked me tremendously.<br />
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Tuesday was an office day. I caught up on email, and tried to finish a business case that had become urgent over the course of the week. I even had a sad desk lunch in the office - although if you notice the sad desk lunch I often eat when I'm working from home you can see that the London version of a sad desk lunch is a huge improvement over what I come up with myself (I'll let you guess which is which).<br />
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Tuesday afternoon my UK based colleague took us to <a href="http://www.fairmont.com/savoy-london/dining/savoytea/" target="_blank">The Savoy for Afternoon Tea</a>. This was a nice surprise, and an experience I'm sure I wouldn't have ever thought to have on my own. We had lots of tea, towers of finger sandwiches and scones, fancy pastries, and cakes. My lesson learned from the experience was that the scones were the best part of the whole tea, and I shouldn't have saved room for the pastries or cakes.<br />
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I felt badly at the conclusion of the tea for forcing my colleagues to go back to the London office with me so I could work on my business case more. I managed to get enough done after an hour or so though that I finally gave up on it and we all headed out of the office and back to the hotel. The next couple of days in London revolved around the purpose for my trip - a client forum. The forum was good overall. I think my presentation was well received, and I know I got a lot of great feedback from individual clients over the course of the two days. Then it was time to go home. While this isn't how I would structure a vacation to London, it was nice to fit in a few fun things in between the work.</div>
Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-28068079566214902632015-02-05T16:29:00.001-05:002015-03-11T08:54:24.482-05:003 Good ThingsYou might have noticed that I've been in a deep thinking mode lately. One of my friends told me that my blog posts were very heavy. While I don't think she meant that in a bad way, it made me think that even in the midst of deep, heavy thinking there is always space for the light and easy.<br />
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Every night when our family sits down to dinner we all say 3 good things from our days. I can't remember when we started this ritual, but it has been with us for several years. There are days when the kids are feeling rushed and crabby when they don't want to participate. However, even if it takes reminders about things we knew were good (maybe the school lunch was spaghetti or french toast sticks, or maybe the school lunch was horrible and they brought a lunch from home) we can get them to come up with their respective 3 good things.<br />
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When we started this ritual there was the thought of saying the bad things from our days too, but we decided to leave those out. I think we all find space to complain about things pretty naturally and easily, but finding things to be thankful for can take more effort. Saying the things we are thankful for provides us with far greater benefits than complaining ever can. I won't pretend that dinner in our house is always sunshine and roses, or that saying our 3 good things has the power to reverse a bad mood. I do think it matters though, and I'm glad we do it. I hope when my kids are grown and they find themselves having dinner with each other that one of them will say: "so what were your 3 good things today?" I imagine they will both smile and laugh and say their 3 good things, or maybe just quietly remember how annoying their Mom was when she forced them to be thankful every night.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-49452076838353947852015-01-29T10:27:00.001-06:002015-01-29T10:27:53.447-06:00BoundariesMy heart broke a little this morning, or it wanted to break just a little this morning. I almost caved to my instinct to stop the heart breaking, but I held firm instead. And you know what happened? My heart grew instead. I work from home these days, and I knew that this morning I had a call that I needed to be on and ready to actively participate on by 8. I didn't want to be on mute and in the background getting The Girl ready to leave the house and then off to daycare where she catches the bus. After my workout I woke her, telling her I was going to get in the shower, that I had an early call, and that she needed to be up and ready if she wanted a ride to daycare (it is 2 blocks away). She said almost nothing in response, so I was not surprised when after my shower she was still in bed showing no signs of waking or moving. I told her again, that I had a call, and that when I was dressed/ready we would be leaving or that she could walk. After I was ready for the day, she was of course, still sleeping. I told her I would make her lunch, but that if she wasn't ready in 10 minutes I wouldn't be able to drive her.<br />
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I guess you can all see where this is going...at 8 I got on my call. The Girl was still in bed. I heard her moving around upstairs at a little past 8, and at 8:10 or so she came into the office with her sad face and asked me for a ride. I pointed to the phone, and told her I couldn't (I had to mute). She slammed the door and stormed off. Then she came back again and tried the same thing to no avail. After a couple of minutes she gave up and walked down to daycare. I was able to actively participate on my call without muting (mostly) and I felt strong because of it.<br />
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My point in sharing this story is not to embarrass my daughter. It came to me a few days ago - with the help of T showing me that I needed to get this, that we don't have firm enough boundaries with our kids - or maybe just I don't have firm enough boundaries with them. This hasn't always been the case, but it has been recently. I read a few books in the past year that I think set me on a path where I thought we didn't need boundaries and consequences (though to be fair this was absolutely not in either of the books). I'd been devoting a lot of my time and energy towards helping both of my kids in letting themselves feel their emotions when they happen rather than stuff them and hide them and fear them as I learned to do as a child. I know that this has been important work, and it is by no means done, but in addition to that work my kids need to know that I have boundaries. Both kids to some degree have been testing boundaries lately, nothing disastrous really, but in hindsight I can see that my kids were pushing back to see where the actual boundary was. I've had scenes like the one with The Girl this morning many times before, and I have still driven her when she comes down with a sad face, and then muted myself on the call. So why would she respect my time limit for getting a ride to daycare? She didn't think it was a real boundary, and she knew she could negotiate with me and get her ride.<br />
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I still don't love the incident this morning, the nurturing mom in me wanted to drive her. I knew that the indulgence of me driving her today wasn't going to do her any good tomorrow though. Ultimately it wouldn't do her any good as she becomes an adult either. I hope that she is able to be strong enough to set boundaries for herself, and stick to them. There are so many times in life when we are asked to trample our own boundaries, and that is where problems arise. The only way she will become an adult who can set and stick to her own boundaries is by having parents who model that skill for her as she is growing up.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLmQ0L4A4YcftXBTIoFo1ig3eHBxwmUG4Fag1Fr-3XyhlMnKblZP41vSvCIzUx3Hfiidb2mkQZB0dWlgZ40PB8qVrrSVn-PoKM_Y5Gx2sevztYnsQ-Dc95WlWd0YuzJx2P7fHt/s1600/bb-download-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLmQ0L4A4YcftXBTIoFo1ig3eHBxwmUG4Fag1Fr-3XyhlMnKblZP41vSvCIzUx3Hfiidb2mkQZB0dWlgZ40PB8qVrrSVn-PoKM_Y5Gx2sevztYnsQ-Dc95WlWd0YuzJx2P7fHt/s1600/bb-download-1.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Another <span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 28px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: start; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Brené </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Brown quote to learn from</span></td></tr>
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The same idea holds true for my son. Just yesterday he confided in me that some kids at school took his pencil, a pen, and a highlighter from his pencil case under the guise of "being funny." It wasn't funny though, and he was too shy, and too afraid to speak up for himself. Instead he went the rest of the day with no pencil because he only had one with him at school that day. I think in his case the issue is trickier than needing firm boundaries, but it is certainly an aspect of what happened. A year ago I would have talked to his teacher about it on his behalf, but he doesn't want his Mom involved now that he is in middle school. He and I will talk about it more. I think he understands that those kids stole from him, and the fact that he doesn't want to say anything to them or a teacher about it because he is afraid one of them will beat him up - well that is bullying. As much as I want to swoop in and rescue him, I can see that what he really needs is for his Mom to be there to coach him through it - and to listen to how he feels about it. He may not decide to stand up for himself in this particular case, but hopefully over time he will realize that he has that power inside himself. I want him to know that he is he worthy of boundaries.<br />
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The hardest thing about parenting seems to be that we can't give our kids anything we don't already have for ourselves. If I don't respect my own boundaries my kids won't be able to do that for themselves either - unless they find themselves a good deal of therapy as adults that is. As much as I want my kids to be able to learn from what I say, they will only learn by watching what I do. Recognizing that power - that obligation - forces us to grow up.<br />
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-8650962469234745322015-01-26T10:58:00.002-06:002015-01-26T10:58:22.525-06:00Bridges<span style="text-align: center;">I love bridges, or more specifically I love pictures of bridges. I was searching for a few photos to fill a new collage frame we put up, and I realized just how many bridge photos I've collected over the past few years. My favorites from this bunch were all taken with my iPhone while running. A small sample:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbXl4g5R13v_Q-Pp2Fr492XvvcYVJ4Nfcf6W2dhmeHJTtvYVm0kELdtKfEhCI5dFLRX4-d3dwEQepB3MinkWUGCr0GLDDUIRjfvvMa3fzdxT6DJecuqyqRr4FOTx7KhlOXufPE/s1600/DSC01507.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbXl4g5R13v_Q-Pp2Fr492XvvcYVJ4Nfcf6W2dhmeHJTtvYVm0kELdtKfEhCI5dFLRX4-d3dwEQepB3MinkWUGCr0GLDDUIRjfvvMa3fzdxT6DJecuqyqRr4FOTx7KhlOXufPE/s1600/DSC01507.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mill City Ruins - Minneapolis, MN</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv81oPSyN5b05hlbtmiHprEDWPyKe5qp41CE-Vot0CadxKcaEmtosegObwMyqR4SaIvyGf1S2uKOxCHMZXpQsC1KOO7xt4R59GPRNfy-zYfdEJhRLD1Iu1iTwPqQzQFw-QR80-/s1600/DSC03237.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv81oPSyN5b05hlbtmiHprEDWPyKe5qp41CE-Vot0CadxKcaEmtosegObwMyqR4SaIvyGf1S2uKOxCHMZXpQsC1KOO7xt4R59GPRNfy-zYfdEJhRLD1Iu1iTwPqQzQFw-QR80-/s1600/DSC03237.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bridge over Mission Bay - San Diego, CA</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFIx87z8iHOAvQ1aE2ahXb7WcG2o3S51dF6yqrVX5BdTdgePV-Aum2pLiP2r-iXVRClpdc0mQf05euOK0UUqQ3yFu9x2VesmTHUZmibRCKLcVNM3q3Bs_ZpEB1r_ouQQnfFzrX/s1600/DSC03219.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFIx87z8iHOAvQ1aE2ahXb7WcG2o3S51dF6yqrVX5BdTdgePV-Aum2pLiP2r-iXVRClpdc0mQf05euOK0UUqQ3yFu9x2VesmTHUZmibRCKLcVNM3q3Bs_ZpEB1r_ouQQnfFzrX/s1600/DSC03219.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bridge over Mission Bay - San Diego, CA<br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWOElMG6Jcymq7oBJX2olgxMdRGg25h7vb6L9UyyRKWpoA3XqqwvlVGwxYqAxVCiNIc_GGi4mhlKX1H5nFhhC2Bb2JZFHPRoEmodZSwDM75WISF07lTUFWaXBOlkmp27PfdYBX/s1600/IMG_0403.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWOElMG6Jcymq7oBJX2olgxMdRGg25h7vb6L9UyyRKWpoA3XqqwvlVGwxYqAxVCiNIc_GGi4mhlKX1H5nFhhC2Bb2JZFHPRoEmodZSwDM75WISF07lTUFWaXBOlkmp27PfdYBX/s1600/IMG_0403.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bridge over the Chattahoochee - Columbus, GA</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bridge over the River Ouse - York England</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another bridge over the <span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Chattahoochee - Columbus, GA</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bridge over Pacific Ocean Inlet - San Diego, CA</td></tr>
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Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-74375015647995623142015-01-25T09:06:00.001-06:002015-01-25T09:09:30.468-06:00Tempted to growThis week was strange. The kids and I had Monday off so it was a short work week for me. It was made even shorter by a quick work trip to Toronto Tuesday/Wednesday. Obviously the week wasn't actually shorter, but working while traveling doesn't feel quite the same as working from home does. While in Toronto some work news surfaced that at least temporarily rocked my world. The person who recruited me into my current role is no longer there. I won't say more than that, but it was most definitely a shock. My first reaction was to speculate about how this change would affect my work. I think it will affect me, but it is too soon to know exactly how that will be. I've decided that my best plan for the moment is to continue my current efforts until my work is no longer needed there. There are several possibilities for me there, but I don't think my future projections will help me cope with today if I dwell on them. The reality is that there is very little I can do to influence my future there if I don't focus on the job I currently have.<br />
<br />
I started reading a new (to me) book this week called "Seat of the Soul," by Gary Zukav. Oprah mentions this book in her Super Soul Sunday shows fairly often, and I watched an older re-aired Master Class on OWN that was about Oprah herself where she mentioned it again. I finally gave in and bought the book to read for myself. My first observation is that I am probably not completely ready to read this book. It is remarkably hard to follow as he circles around the concept of our soul and our personality and how the two work together but also apart. I feel as though there is truth in his words, but I need to read them more slowly to allow myself to fully absorb the meaning. Or perhaps I will finish the book, but then come back and read it again at another time. Either way, there are a few tidbits that I've taken from the book already.<br />
<br />
The first tidbit is that temptation is your soul's way of allowing you to test yourself without involving others. Temptation gives us an opportunity to grow stronger. I know that when I resolve daily to eat less junk food, to eat more consciously, and not eat to numb my feelings I am always tempted to throw that away. I had seen temptation as weakness, but the book shifted my perspective about it. If temptation is actually strength what does that mean for me? I should expect temptation, and I should be happy for it. When I resolve that I am going to yell less, my kids do things that make me want to yell even more - and again I felt that I was weak in not being able to respond more constructively. Now I see that every opportunity where I would normally comfort eat, or yell to try to solve a conflict with my kids is an opportunity for me to grow - for my personality to better align with my soul if you will. I recognize that this is out there, so it isn't as though I am suggesting that all of you go read this book or believe the same things I do about the messages. For me though, that may have been the lesson I needed to learn this week.<br />
<br />
I think back to the person I was just a couple of years ago, and that person would not have been ready to read that temptation was a good thing. She would not have been willing to move beyond the "why me" aspect of a big job change so quickly either. I know I still have a long journey of growth ahead of me, but it is good to recognize how far I've come. As I go forward into a new week I am choosing to be grateful for any and all temptations that try to take me off of my resolved path. I will know that it is my soul's work (or God's work if you are so inclined) to help me grow and make me stronger against those temptations when they continue to arise.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lake Ontario Sunrise</td></tr>
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<br />Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-56112283149888972842015-01-18T09:54:00.001-06:002015-01-19T07:32:33.172-06:00The second postThe second post back after a long break from blogging seems to be the hardest for me. I have made a few returns to blogging, but then couldn't come up with a follow-up. It was as if I had said what I wanted to say, and could then step away again. Maybe that is all I need from a blog - an outlet when I occasionally want one, but otherwise a static, boring page. I guess I'll find out as I go along, but it felt good to write 'for me' again, and I want to remind myself of that feeling at least a few more times before I hide back in the corner in silence.<br />
<br />
This week I traveled to San Diego for work. I think I have been in San Diego 10 or so times in my life, and for some reason I feel drawn to the city. The first time I was there I was 8 years old and my parents took my brother and me to the San Diego Zoo. I don't remember that trip at all, other than vague images of me wearing my Mickey Mouse Ears I'd just gotten at Disneyland and of it raining in San Diego. I also spent a week in San Diego as a teenager, where a church group I was with stayed at a college campus and I did my best to ignore the prosthelytizing while enjoying the socializing and the ocean. On that trip my distinct memory is of swimming in the ocean and being helped to shore by a lifeguard because I had been caught in a rip current. Most of my trips there have been for work though. I assume conference planners are drawn to San Diego because of the predictable weather - generally not too hot, not too cold, and pretty much predictably gorgeous all year round.<br />
<br />
When I've found myself in San Diego for work I have always found a way to make it to the ocean or the bay - whether that be a morning run along the bay from one of the bayfront hotels, a run along the beach, or at a minimum eating at a restaurant with a good view of the ocean. This week I had a chance to walk on the beach 3 different times, twice for morning runs, and once at night after dinner at a beachfront restaurant. The beaches I saw this week were mostly uninhabited, which is my favorite sight to see. I can certainly appreciate a good crowded beach, but the peace from a deserted beach is something that touches my soul. The waves crashing to the sand, the vastness of the ocean, and just little old me standing on the shore taking it all in...there is something magical in that. I think when I have a moment like that I am closest to god. I can feel the way we are all connected when I look out at the never-ending ocean. The beauty, the sounds, the experience, it all comes together to remind me that we are all in this together. I am but one tiny speck in the universe, but we are all part of the same life force. Instead of making me feel small and insignificant the ocean makes me feel powerful and free. I get to be part of the same life force that created all of this beauty, and that means I have the same beauty within me.<br />
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<span id="goog_1961738947"></span><span id="goog_1961738948"></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Torrey Pines State Beach - San Diego, CA</td></tr>
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<br />
I would love to live closer to the ocean, to be able to see that beauty whenever I want to. There is certainly beauty in my home town, but sometimes it is harder to connect with it when it is covered with snow. Although even snow, and the cold hard months of winter remind me of the power there is in the universe. When I run past the frozen pond that sits at the entrance to our subdivision I always think about the turtles and frogs who lie buried at the bottom - almost completely frozen and in a state of nearly dead - who will come alive again in the spring. In a way the contrast of the easy living ocean, and the nearly dead turtles at the bottom of the pond are a reminder that sometimes life is smooth and easy and at other times you have to work hard to get what you need. Without one I don't think you can adequately appreciate the other.Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-21184128841055695692015-01-10T09:08:00.001-06:002015-01-26T10:22:32.006-06:00ChoosingIt has been too long since I've posted here, which clearly goes without saying. I recently decided that I missed having blogging as an outlet. I had to get an SMS to my phone to reset my password to post here - which is somewhat weird considering that meant that I didn't know the password for my primary personal email address that I use every single day (mostly to collect tons of spam and marketing emails - what would I do without a daily email from DSW, White House Black Market, and Zulily?). I think it is somewhat fitting that 2.5 years ago I wrote <a href="http://www.treadmillinginplace.blogspot.com/2012/06/remembering-to-be-awesome.html">my last post</a>, and it is all still so true. I think then I was in the fake it until you make it stage of giving myself that message. I think I am closer to living it now - or maybe I will continue to fake it a bit more each day until I can't tell the difference between faking it and living it anymore.<br />
<br />
I've been in a new job for just over a year now, and the first year was filled with anguish for a variety of reasons. I had to learn a new (complicated) company culture, and find a way to navigate within it while working remotely from home. When the opportunity for this job first came to me from a certain persistent former manager, I didn't think I was up to the task. I honestly didn't see in myself what he saw in me, and I felt as though I would be found to be a fraud. At some points during the last year I was convinced that I would only stay for a year, that working remotely from home was just too isolating and that I would go find a safer, easier job somewhere local. However at a dinner with a colleague in England, after a few days of both of us complaining about all of the things that were terrible at our workplace, something shifted in me. I can't remember which of us said it, but we came to a mutual understanding that we were not going to complain anymore. We acknowledged that we were sitting there together brainstorming just how awesome our products could be, and we had to double down to put all of our efforts into making them so. We've held each other to it too, it can be cathartic to complain at times, and we do still vent, but we stop each other before we go down that negative path. That dinner changed me.<br />
<br />
Just this week I sat in a long painful meeting discussing progress on a project that I have known in my gut was the wrong project for us to invest in from the start. I listened, I answered questions, and I took away some action items. At the end of the meeting instead of fulfilling my action items I just looked at the notebook page I had written them on. I crossed them out, and wrote "cancel the project" underneath them. I asked myself why I was letting myself work on something I knew to be the wrong way forward. I had excuses of course, I had attempted to convince my manager that this was the wrong project from the start and had failed at doing so. I hadn't tried hard enough though. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that you are on the wrong path should not be ignored - even if you've been told to ignore that feeling on multiple occasions. I ended the work week yesterday by convincing others that we needed to stop the project. There will be fallout from that decision of course, so there is more to do, but I stood up for what I knew was right and that feels amazing.<br />
<br />
I watched <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en" target="_blank">Brené Brown's TED Talk</a> about vulnerability and shame and courage at some point last year, which led me to her <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame" target="_blank">second TED Talk</a>, and then to read two of her books (The Gifts of Imperfection, and Daring Greatly). It also led me to start watching <a href="http://www.oprah.com/app/super-soul-sunday.html" target="_blank">Super Soul Sunday</a> on OWN. I'd been on a spiritual journey already when these messages came into my life which is why I know I was ready to hear them - but I thank my version of god every day now that they did. I feel awake in a way I never had been before. I put a post-it with one of Brené Brown's quotes on the wall (and then the desk because it isn't sticky enough and kept falling down) in my office so I can see it when I'm working. It says: "You can choose courage or you can choose comfort you cannot have both." When I'm working and tempted to take the comfortable path, the quote kicks me a bit and challenges me to be courageous, to be vulnerable, to shake my perfectionist tendencies that stop me from getting my work out there. My counselor, whom I've seen for various reasons for some long stretches at a couple of different points in my life uses the word comfort a lot too. She says something along the lines of just because it is comfortable doesn't mean you like it, or that it feels good, just that it is what you know. So here is to 2015 where I choose to be courageous more than I did in 2014. Here is to a thousand little decisions every day in which I choose to be brave and find the strong way forward, instead of the well worn path of what I know.<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-45798940749128771542012-06-04T11:18:00.000-05:002015-01-26T10:22:57.623-06:00Remembering to be Awesome<br />
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When I was growing up I wasn’t an athlete. I tried many different sports including
soccer, hockey, baseball, and softball.
I was never the best on any team I played on, but I enjoyed being part
of a team and trying to get better. I
didn’t find running until I was an adult.
I can still remember doing my own version of a couch to 5K plan by
running between bridges on the 9 Mile Creek Trail and then walking again. Eventually I was running the whole time, not
walking at all, and I was hooked. I can
still remember running 4 miles without stopping and without being winded. That feeling is something I will probably
never replicate, but breaking 2 hours in a half marathon two years ago came
pretty close (oddly finishing my 2 marathons did not give me anywhere near the
same feeling). Despite the fact that I
have two active kids, work full time, and have lots of other responsibilities I
can still make the time to push myself to get better. In the last few miles of that half marathon 2
years ago, I almost let myself give up.
It was getting harder to maintain my goal pace, and I had stopped to
walk through a water stop and didn’t want to run again. I made the decision that I wasn’t going to
come *this close* again and just let it
slip me by, so I didn’t. I sucked it up,
and I let myself be awesome. It didn’t
matter that I didn’t come close to winning any sort of age group award in that race,
I had earned a mental victory.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I was out running this weekend, and I started to feel self
doubt creep in as I took a walk break, doubt that I could be fast again. Then I realized what I was doing, a common
pattern for me, I was giving myself an excuse not to try. In my own self-preserving way I was giving myself
an easy out, doubting enough so that I wouldn’t really try, and therefore
wouldn’t fail. This year I was supposed
to put myself into running again (self imposed goal), but I haven’t. It is much easier to sit on the sidelines and
tell yourself that you can’t, than it is to put in the necessary work and give
it a real try. The reality is that I
might not break 2 hours again this year, but I certainly won’t even come close
if I don’t try. I know that the self
preserving part of me is there for a reason.
It tries to protect me from failure, even though it often causes me to
settle for mediocrity. I’ve made a
promise to myself now, a promise that whenever I feel that self-doubt creep in,
and that desire to let myself be mediocre because it is easier, I will remember
to be awesome. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I see myself settling for mediocre in other areas of my life
too. At work it can be easier to
complain about the things I can’t control, rather than to put everything I have
into the things I can control. That usually
leaves me feeling like something is missing, like I am coasting along and not
really challenging myself. I’m also
carrying around about 10 pounds more than I want to, and not because I don’t
know how to lose that weight. I settle
for good enough in this aspect of my life too.
Losing these 10 pounds would be easy if I would just get out of my own
way. Excelling in my career should be
easy too. I get lots of professional accolades
that I dismiss, or explain away because I don’t feel like I have truly earned
them. In many ways, my self-preservation
is harming me, and holding me back. I’m posting this on my long neglected blog,
because I want the reminder of what I can do and what I can be. Will I allow myself to keep settling for good
enough, or will I remember the awesome that is inside me? I plan to strive for the awesome, and learn from
my failures along the way.</div>
Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-78639022231961643142008-12-21T21:08:00.004-06:002008-12-21T21:19:35.373-06:00An Early Christmas PresentThe Boy and The Girl will not stop singing this silly song from a cell phone commercial. It is driving me bonkers, but tonight I decided to record them doing it so I could share it with family and friends.<br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxgu_frw0YgTWXre24xWjfOh5pjfJt23Qh-gLPiJVB5Xd-vkzoylJYbpgQ6cQYgM1cP-_3mAR007T4' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21820551.post-3241459969152498932008-12-18T20:38:00.003-06:002008-12-18T21:04:43.751-06:00AmbivalenceI am inching closer to the magic age of 35 with every passing day. I remember telling T at one point that we would certainly be absolutely and completely done having kids by the time I turned 35. I didn't want to be pregnant at an "advanced maternal age." I was 29 when The Boy was born, and 31 when The Girl was born. At 33 there was no way I was ready for another child, and even at 34 it still seems crazy at times. However, as The Girl gets older I find myself wondering if we are done, or if we are just taking a longer break between kids. T and I have had this conversation countless times over the course of the past few years. I know he feels very happy with our family the way it is, he fears the hormonal mess I was during the first few months after The Girl was born - and rightfully so...at least until the Vitamin Z kicked in. He also worries about our kids not being close enough in age, he worries about the third and final child being left out of things since The Boy and The Girl are thick as thieves. He has also started telling me that he is too old to start over again. *sigh* He always ends the conversation saying that he will support whatever decision I make, that if I want to have another child he is willing to try, but that he is also very happy to be done and will make the appointment for the vasectomy as soon as I give him the word.<br /><br />Why is this so hard? So many of my friends tell me that they just knew they were done with whatever number of kids they have, why don't I just know? Why can't I just feel done? Frankly even more frustrating for me is the fact that I am so ambivalent about it. One day I am 100% convinced that we will have another, and then the next as I'm struggling to buckle The Girl into her carseat in the freezing MN temps I swear that I can't wait until both kids can buckle themselves into their seats and that I'm crazy to start again with another baby. Or, I take both kids to a store and listen to them fight, and I *know* that we are done with two kids. Instead of making a real decision I vacillate between the two extremes almost daily. I'm tired of it. I want to come to a decision and make peace with it.<br /><br />How did you know you were done?Heather Hartwighttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13171992376580180106noreply@blogger.com3