Feeling sorry for myself

I should rename my blog to something more appropriate, like "complains about everything" or "whines incessantly," yes I am about to whine and complain again. Not only am I horrible about updating this blog, but when I do post it is just to vent/complain/etc. If you are still reading I'd be surprised.

I'm on a business trip right now, and thankfully I get to go back home tomorrow evening. I've been gone since Tuesday evening, but haven't seen my kids since I dropped them off at daycare Tuesday morning. My kids are fine, home with their Dad, and in a lot of ways my travel of late has been great for DH to figure things out with the kids without my help. It has also been good for Toddler and Infant (who recently had a birthday so she will now be referred to as Toddler 2) to learn to rely on Daddy rather than me all of the time. Of course I am insanely jealous of the fact that I am the one traveling. I'm sure I would complain if I were home alone with the kids and DH were traveling, but DH says nothing. Honestly I think he is worried I will quit my job if he presses the issue too much, and he likes the money I earn far too much to let me do that (at least without another job lined up).

Two weeks in a row with 3 nights away from home in each week is just brutal on me though. I feel so disconnected from my family, and I get so worn out having to be "on" while traveling with coworkers. Breakfast together, working together all day, lunch, dinner, and even a run with my boss last night. It is just too much. I almost said no when my boss asked if he could go for a run with me, the only me time I had in store for the day, but figured it was just plain rude for me to do so. Thankfully tonight he didn't want to run, so I skipped out on dinner with him in order to run solo, and grab a bite to eat by myself after my run. We are staying in a college town, with a variety of clothing stores just a block down from the hotel, so I ran, ate at Chipotle, and went shopping for a while. It was good, even though I kept passing people with babies which just made me miss my babies all the more. I don't have to travel next week, and am very much looking forward to the three day weekend this weekend. I think I need to be away for 4 nights the week after next though, and it just makes me sad. I don't feel like I can say no, but this travel is killing me.

I feel a little trapped for the time being. I don't want to change jobs until I have been here for at least a year since I have a couple of gaps in my employment history now. I suppose I could have a serious talk with my boss about my dissatisfaction with all of this travel, but he did warn me about travel when I accepted the job. I came into it knowing travel was likely, but since I didn't travel at all for the first 6 months it is just now coming to me how much I hate being away from the kids. I left a previous job partially because of travel, and those trips were almost always no longer than 1 night at a shot. I think I could handle 1 night away trips at this point, but these 3-4 day trips are impossible. My son now says things to me like "but you will go on a trip" when we are discussing daily plans. It breaks my heart. We have webcams for my laptop and for the desktop computer at home, so we have had some video calls this week, but I always end up in tears when we have to hang up. It just isn't the same. Toddler 2 tries to grab the monitor for a while, then she just sits and chews on her hand or a toy. Toddler walks away and begs to watch movies.

I realize I am completely rambling right now, I think I just need to get all of these feelings out of me rather than trying to pretend that I am okay with travel. I am not okay with travel. I need to be home with my kids, for their sake and for mine. I will not travel long term. I will find a new job, or find some way to make this job involve much less travel. I cannot just stay the course, because it is seriously affecting my quality of life.

Ugh, sorry to be such a downer.