Ambivalence

So infant will be 12 months old in a week. This means that I will no longer have to be her primary source of nutrition. I don’t plan on weaning her, am hoping that she can get the chance to self-wean, but I will stop pumping at work (except when I am traveling over night). I’m down to one pump per day at work, and for some reason I just feel odd about that. I am hugely ambivalent about pumping at work. I hate it, but don’t want to give it up. How is that possible? I never even intended to pump at work at all, but here I am 8 months later still doing it. I thought for sure I would dance a little jig when I could stop pumping. Don’t get me wrong I know I will adjust quickly, and won’t miss the pump in the least when it is packed up for good. I just feel like I’m saying “Happy Birthday honey, your gift from me is no more breast milk.” Considering how much she enjoys nursing and breast milk in general I can’t see that this is a happy gift for her. I suppose part of it is that while I am still pumping I feel like I am still more connected to her even when she isn’t with me. Every time I pump I think of her little face looking up at me, and I just feel good about it.

Of course I also feel like I will miss my pumping breaks. They are the only times during the day that I can slack off and surf the internet without guilt. On the other hand, it will be really nice to not worry about finding places to pump at client sites. If I never have to pump while sitting on a toilet seat again it will be too soon. Still I worry that by not pumping during the day I will force Infant to wean sooner than she wants to. This parenthood business is just so damn complicated. Sometimes I wish I could make a decision about my children without having to analyze the implications 1000 times in my head, but I suppose I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that.