I am inching closer to the magic age of 35 with every passing day. I remember telling T at one point that we would certainly be absolutely and completely done having kids by the time I turned 35. I didn't want to be pregnant at an "advanced maternal age." I was 29 when The Boy was born, and 31 when The Girl was born. At 33 there was no way I was ready for another child, and even at 34 it still seems crazy at times. However, as The Girl gets older I find myself wondering if we are done, or if we are just taking a longer break between kids. T and I have had this conversation countless times over the course of the past few years. I know he feels very happy with our family the way it is, he fears the hormonal mess I was during the first few months after The Girl was born - and rightfully so...at least until the Vitamin Z kicked in. He also worries about our kids not being close enough in age, he worries about the third and final child being left out of things since The Boy and The Girl are thick as thieves. He has also started telling me that he is too old to start over again. *sigh* He always ends the conversation saying that he will support whatever decision I make, that if I want to have another child he is willing to try, but that he is also very happy to be done and will make the appointment for the vasectomy as soon as I give him the word.

Why is this so hard? So many of my friends tell me that they just knew they were done with whatever number of kids they have, why don't I just know? Why can't I just feel done? Frankly even more frustrating for me is the fact that I am so ambivalent about it. One day I am 100% convinced that we will have another, and then the next as I'm struggling to buckle The Girl into her carseat in the freezing MN temps I swear that I can't wait until both kids can buckle themselves into their seats and that I'm crazy to start again with another baby. Or, I take both kids to a store and listen to them fight, and I *know* that we are done with two kids. Instead of making a real decision I vacillate between the two extremes almost daily. I'm tired of it. I want to come to a decision and make peace with it.

How did you know you were done?


InTheFastLane said...

We knew we were done because # 3 was a surprise and the Mr. had surgery. Plus, there is 9 years between the oldest and youngest. That is enough.

Anonymous said...

I understand the ambivalence you're describing so vividly, and *ugh* it sucks. I'm sorry.

Well, you know what my experience is and how I got to where I am on this issue. Obvious differences aside, I think I can confidently predict that time will give you a better feel for what you really want.

I understand how 35 feels like a magic number, a threshold of sorts, but it doesn't have to be -- you can always change your mind. Let it ride, and revisit this in a couple months.

Thinking of you--

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog when looking for a superwhy T shirt (!) and couldn't believe that the topic of your latest post is exactly my own big question-- I am in the exact same boat. I'm also 34, with an older boy and younger girl. But the girl is just 5 months, so I know we'll wait at least a year before I decide for sure. My DH says no way, two kids is great. Plus I feel so lucky with them-- it seems like tempting fate to try for one more. But yet... can't bring myself to get rid of any of those outgrown baby clothes.... having three always seems like such a fun party! Re: having another baby around/starting over with an infant: I thought I wouldn't like embarking on the baby stuff again. But that part has been the best. Babies are just so yummy. good luck to you!