The Summer Trip

We recently returned from our annual summer trip (most definitely a trip and not a vacation). I went into this trip with much lower expectations than I had for our spring break trip to Florida. My goals were to not think about work too much, and to spend some time relaxing and connecting with T and the kids. I think both goals were pretty easily achieved, although I did take a work call one morning before the rest of the family was awake. There was swimming, fishing, jet skiing, and stand up paddle boarding. There was pool playing, a family game night of Apples to Apples, and both adults read a fair amount. And of course there was some tv watching and some serious staring at screens.

There were also more than a few moments of crabby from one or more of us. I think the difference this time around wasn't just my lowered expectations. It was also how I engaged with the kids when they were crabby. Just a few weeks ago I stumbled upon an article that mentioned the acronym HALT as a way to assess what is causing unwanted behavior. The article I read wasn't specifically targeted towards children (although I since found this blog post that is targeted towards kids), but that was my first thought upon reading it. HALT stands for: H - Hungry, A - Angry, L - Lonely, T - Tired. After one of the kids finished being upset about something I brought out the acronym and explained it to the kids. A weird thing happened when I explained it - instead of tuning me out both kids actively listened and one even grabbed a piece of paper to write out what it meant.

I explained that a lot of times when the two of them are bugging each other the first thing I ask them is when they last ate. The question typically annoys them, but a lot of times they are hungry and acting out because of it. I don't find the A all that helpful with my children, because I think they jump to Angry as an answer no matter what the true trigger for their unwanted behavior is - but I kept it in. There are times when one of them is angry about something completely separate from each other and it is causing them to act out towards each other. The L is helpful because sometimes they need to feel connected, and for whatever reason we aren't giving them enough of that. And T - while my children will almost never admit it, when they are tired they do not typically make good decisions. My kids felt that being thirsty was also a trigger for bad behavior so we added an extra T at the end so our acronym is now HALTT.

I do not think that the HALTT acronym is magical. However, applying it with my kids seems to be magical. I asked one or both of them at several points last week where they were on the HALTT scale and after first being annoyed at me they were able to walk through the letters and tell me what the issue was. It also helped me to stop refereeing their fights and punishing them and instead move to helping them work through whatever was causing the angst in the first place.

This parenting thing is always going to be a work in progress. I will continue to learn as I go along, and mess up along the way. However, it feels pretty good to have found a more positive way to deal with the inevitable sibling fights. I think overall it let me be more relaxed on this trip, and it helped me to enjoy the wonder that was all around us.

Expectations

My family and I went on a spring break trip to Florida. My goal for the trip was for our family to go to a place with a beach, with warm temperatures, and an ocean. I wanted to lay on the beach or by a pool and read a book, dipping myself into the water when I felt too hot, but otherwise relaxing. In my pre-trip planning conversations with T, he pointed out to me that my vision for what the vacation would be did not match up with reality. I ignored him. It is not as if I am new to this. We have taken many vacations with our kids, and each time my vision of the vacation does not match up with the reality. Apparently T had learned from each of those past vacations, and I chose to remain stubborn in accepting the truth. His advice had been to skip the vacation and just stay home with the kids where we are all comfortable in our routines so at least the anxiety that comes from being in a new place, sleeping in a new bed, etc. didn't come into play. As I said, I ignored him. I told T that it was important for me to give our kids new places to visit and explore, new ways to expand their worlds. He relented, and we planned the vacation or maybe more accurately I trampled over him and I planned the vacation.

Fast forward to the actual vacation, we made it to Florida and ultimately made it to our hotel on the beach. Our room was great - a 2 bedroom suite with a full kitchen and 3 televisions, a short walk to the beach, and a nice pool with ample lounge chairs around it. And then the reality of what it means to vacation with 3 other people, two of which are children, who all have their own agendas sunk in. The Girl deals with uncertainty by wanting to numb which usually means watching TV or some other screen - those 3 televisions in our suite were heaven sent for her. One of our struggles during the vacation became a battle with her about not just sitting inside and watching Cartoon Network or Disney Channel, but rather enjoying the warm weather we had traveled to. The Boy internalizes his angst, and then blows up when he can't contain it anymore. T and I have our own struggles that add to the powder keg and make a vacation with our family kind of uncertain and ready to blow at just about any moment for any small reason.

 

I think I finally get now that it is my expectations about what I want the vacation to be, and how I want everyone else to act that cause me (and the rest of the family as a result) the most angst. I know that I was somewhat determined to prove T wrong, to show him that our kids are now old enough for a vacation, and that we would all have a great time. If I had been able to let go of what I wanted to happen, and just enjoyed the what is happening perhaps things could have been a little smoother. Or not. I think the reality is that even though there were hungry whiney children (and adults!) who didn't eat exactly at the right meal time, and ate too much junk food, and watched too much tv, and freaked out over trivial things (me most likely) we still had fun. My kids got to go snorkeling for the first time in their lives. We saw a wild tortoise who was very curious about humans and seemed completely unafraid. We saw some beautiful sunsets - and I saw a beautiful sunrise while the rest of the family slept. We got to walk on a beautiful beach, bask in the sun, and swim in the ocean. We learned how to make perfect hotel Belgian waffles in a crowded hotel breakfast bar. We found some pretty shells. We tried to see manatees unsuccessfully, but even that failed venture has become part of our family story.

In the end, both T and I were right. The vacation was a disaster, and our kids are old enough to enjoy a great family vacation. Our summer vacation will likely be in driving distance for us, and I'm sure it will be terrible and fabulous at the same time. I make no promises about letting go of my expectations, but maybe I can snap myself out of them a little bit faster in the future. The best part of taking a lot of pictures while on vacation is that over time you forget all of the whiney parts of a vacation and you look at the pictures and remember the wonder and the fun, and the fabulous. Here is to lowered expectations, and a lifetime of memories. I wouldn't trade the messy, crabby, terrible, and frustrating moments because if I did, we wouldn't have what is real.

Village Idiots

I apologize for being scarce around here. We got back from our wonderful vacation on Sunday, but it has been a flurry of activity since then. Work has been crazy, and our big house remodel project has been kicked into high gear (we haven’t started yet, but we did order the kitchen cabinets today). Forget about the mundane day-to-day stuff though, in this post I am going to let you in on my vacation learnings:

1. I blogged about the great ash in the hot tub incident already, so I don’t need to go there
2. Crayola Color Wonder markers are fabulous, except when used to draw on stained wood closet doors. No, no, they don’t leave any colored marks on the doors, but they do leave a streak that can’t be easily removed (at least not without sanding and re-staining the doors). Even the fabulous Mr. Clean Magic Eraser is of no use.
3. A nearly 2 year old can be lightning quick when she thinks it is funny to run out into the street
4. Blond girl children need to wear hats or have sunscreen applied to their hair part lines in order to avoid sunburned heads
5. Non-blond Treadmillista’s also need to wear hats or put sunscreen in their hair part lines in order to avoid sunburned heads – OUCH!
6. The Boy really enjoys talking about toots, his, hers, made up toots, it doesn’t really matter, all are extraordinarily funny
7. It is difficult to get the kids to sleep at night while on vacation – understatement
8. Dirt is fun to play with – pouring it on Mommy’s head is absolutely thrilling
9. My laptop battery can’t even last through one viewing of Toy Story 2 anymore
10. The Girl needs her own seat on an airplane
11. When you check your car seats they don’t always arrive on the same flight you did
12. Having your child refer to a grandparent by the name of the state she lives in becomes confusing when you arrive in that state – are we going to name of state now?

I’m sure there are more. Perhaps the most profound learning for me was that when you have an extra set or two of adults around “watching” your children you all become a little less guarded than normal. I’m convinced that items 1 through 3 above would not have occurred had it been just DH and I on duty. This makes me question the whole “it takes a village” approach to raising kids. I mean, we all felt like someone else was watching the children, so none of us were watching them as closely as we should have been. Or perhaps it just shows that DH and I become the village idiots when we have back-ups around. In any case, my deepest apologies for any damage we may have done to your house Mom. We had a great time!

You got ash in my hot tub - or vacation at Mom's

When those of us from the frozen tundra venture to warmer climates for spring vacations we have this subtle need to have it be wicked cold back home while we are gone. It isn't that we don't want spring to come to our home town, it is just that if we are escaping for a while it better not be warmer at home while we are gone! Thankfully the weather gods have come through this year. The treadmilling around family is visiting my Mom in her warmer climate home, while they are getting snow back home. Yipee!!! Sorry, I can't help that it makes me happy.

Things you can do outside in the spring when you live outside of the frozen tundra:
1. Run outside in shorts and a tank top and get too hot
2. Get a sunburn on your arms
3. Relax in a lawn chair outside in shorts and a t-shirt while reading a trashy book
4. Let your kids play outside all day long while wearing shorts, t-shirts, and sandals
5. Not wear a coat
6. Not wear mittens or hats
7. Have I mentioned shorts and t-shirts?
8. Feel too warm in the hot tub outside (before your oldest child decided that dumping a can of cigarette butts into the hot tub was a good idea)
9. Help try to clean out the hot tub with sieves
10. Help drain, clean, and refill the hot tub because you just can't get all of that nasty ash out of the water any other way

I'm sure I'll be scarce for the rest of the week, and hopefully the hot tub is back in commission in a couple of days. In case you were wondering, The Boy and The Girl were standing over the edge of the hot tub, using it as their own private water table, while DH and I watched from inside the house (kids clearly visible at all times). We had given them buckets, plastic ducks, and various other toys, and we just didn't realize that the old coffee can filled with cigarette butts would be so appealing to them. I saw him with the can and had an oh shit moment, and it was already too late. Secretly I think The Boy planned this, as the hot tub is normally far too hot for him to set foot in...now it will be cold for a few days and I'm sure he will get to try it out. Or maybe I'm giving him more credit than he deserves, he's used to drainable sinks and bathtubs afterall.

Travel quirks

We are planning a trip to visit my Mom at the end of this month. This will be the first time we have flown on an airplane as a family of four. I'm not too worried about it, since in my former life I was a Gold Elite frequent flier, but I am already dreading the logistics of getting us onto the plane. I am one of those people who always packs way too much, and recognizes that fact. However, I know I will be running around the night before we leave trying to get everything ready for our trip. We will arrive at my Moms and I will not wear even 50% of the clothes I will bring. I will be tempted to pack things for my kids that they have never used to date, "just in case." I will bring back-up outfits for the kids for each day, completely forgetting the fact that my Mom does in fact own a washing machine. DH will also be a nervous wreck, since he hasn't flown more than a handful of times in his life, so he will be basically useless at offseting my anxiety.

I'm sure we will have a good time on the trip, Toddler will be awestruck by the experience since he likely doesn't remember his last plane trip (a year and a half ago), and Infant will not really know what is going on. I just hate the stress I allow myself to feel in the getting ready to go stage. It is not as though we are leaving the country, but yet I will feel compelled to pack three tubes of Desitin despite the fact that even with a really nasty diaper rash we couldn't use that much in 3 months. Why is it that I know all of this about myself, but still let it happen? I used to travel weekly for work, had it down to a science, could pack in less than 10 minutes, never brought extra things because there wasn't room for them in my carry-on. Leisure travel is much more stressful for me than business travel ever was. I will pack so much for this trip that we will risk being charged for oversized luggage. Oh well, at least I recognize the fact that I am crazy, that must count for something right?

Road trip

DH went away for the weekend so I decided to take the kids to go visit their Grandparents (my Dad and Step-Mom) a 2.5 hour drive. Toddler was excited about seeing Grandma and Grandpa and Max (their dog), Infant needed a nap and I had my fingers crossed that she would sleep through the entire drive. The trip started off well. Toddler was pointing out trucks to me, and repeating the question "are we going to Grandma and Grandpa's house?" Approximately 20 mintues from home I realize I've left my wallet at home. I don't have enough gas in the car to make it to my Dad's house, so I have to turn around to get my wallet. As we pull into our driveway, Toddler asks if we are at Grandma and Grandpa's house, despite the fact that I've repeatedly told him that I need to get my wallet at home. No, buddy Mommy just forgot something at home...I'm irritated at myself and briefly consider just calling the trip off and staying home, but we go anyway.

We stop for gas just north of the metro area, and as the car slows Infant wakes up. I guess the hum of the car was keeping her asleep, but when it is gone she thinks her nap is over. For some reason I didn't take this opportunity to put sun shades on the rear windows, Infant protests wildly because the sun is in her face as a result. The rest of the trip was a blurr of trying to throw toys at children while driving, and hoping they would remain happy, Infant crying, and Toddler demanding things he had dropped on the floor. We stopped one more time en route, mainly so Infant could nurse, but it was a good opportunity to pick up stray toys and attach sunshades to the windows...of course I forgot about the sunshades again. Honestly I think being a Mom has deleted part of my short-term memory.

We made it to my Dad's house finally, and I vowed to be better prepared with toys and distractions for the drive home. I almost left my cell phone on the return trip, but thankfully my Step-Mom ran it out to me before I drove off. The kids slept through at least 2 hours of the return trip, it was MUCH easier.