I’ll admit that I am a message board junkie. I have managed to limit myself to just 3 message boards that I frequent on a regular basis, but every now and then I find myself reading others too. It all started when I found the Runner’s World forums back in 1998 or 1999, I quickly became addicted. I was a very regular contributor to the Women’s forum back in the day, even managed to meet some of the women I “talked” to in person on a couple of occasions. On my quest to have a baby I had a miscarriage which led me to Fertility Friend (FF). I learned more than you ever wanted to know about BBT, how to chart it, and what fertility signs I should be on the lookout for. Thankfully The Boy was conceived fairly quickly, because all of that charting surely would have driven me mad if it had dragged on for months.
I discovered a new set of message boards on FF, and formed attachments to the women in my Due Date buddy group (a group of women all expecting babies in the same month I was). We talked each other down from various forms of pregnancy paranoia, and obsessed over the number of weeks along we were, all counting down to meeting our new babies. The babies arrived one by one, and those of us with due dates later in the month kept checking in obsessively hoping that reading about someone else’s impending labor would send our bodies into labor as well (that tactic never really worked). Eventually we all had our babies (more proof that despite how you feel when you are 37-42 weeks pregnant that nobody is pregnant forever, even though it REALLY feels that way sometimes), and some of us stayed in touch. Some of the women in that original buddy group drifted off, and sometimes I wonder what happened to them. Of course I realize that we had a strong bond while we were all pregnant together, afterwards, just having kids the same age isn’t enough to keep people together…especially in an online forum. I still wonder what happened to the home birthing mama, who went well overdue with her 3rd baby. I suspect she was just too busy chasing after 3 little kids to be online much anymore!
Anyway, I’m no longer frequenting FF, but it did lead me to the 3 boards I do read today in one way or another. The boards that are more public spurred me to write this post today (as I felt like somewhat of a back story was required before jumping into it). Do you ever read posts from a person (or blog entries for that matter), and use them to diagnose the posters with a variety of problems? Some people are always complaining about their spouse, others always complain about their in-laws, but the complaints tend to led me to want to suggest the person go to therapy to solve her own issues. She can have a perfectly legitimate complaint, her husband might be an ass, or her in-laws might be miserable, but I keep thinking maybe if you were able to focus on yourself the issues wouldn’t bother you so much, or maybe you would be able to stand up for yourself so these things don’t happen to you anymore. I mean we only have the power to change ourselves, and how we view events in our lives, we cannot change anyone else, no matter how much we want to. Yes, we can influence others, but from my very limited experience I’ve found that I see much greater results when I work on myself first.
I don’t think it is inexcusable to complain about things, I think it is a natural and beneficial thing to do. I only find it exhausting when the same people are always complaining about what I view to be similar things. It becomes clear to me (as I read about one tiny aspect of that person’s life) that if she only changed her perspective she wouldn’t be irate the majority of the time. Of course I don’t even respond to such posts, because I don’t feel like the advice I would give would be appreciated. I mean who wants to write a long vent about how her husband doesn’t appreciate her and get a response other than “yeah your husband is an ass?” I realize these types of posts are a way to feel validated, and a way to vent without risking a divorce. Heck, I’ve posted similar things myself. I’m still not sure why I feel compelled to put on the therapist hat when I read such things, just wondering if I am the only one who does it I guess. I think this tendency is forcing me to participate in public online forums less and less, my therapist hat is telling me to “live your own life.” It is likely good advice, but I still want to talk to my buddy group friends…just need to find a good balance.
6.27.2006
6.21.2006
Thank you for teaching me
3 years ago today…
I woke up like it was any other day (as much as that applies when you are 3 days past your “official” due date with your first baby), ate breakfast, and started my normal Saturday task of updating our finances in Microsoft Money (yes I know, I am a geek). While entering our expenses I started paying attention to the contractions I was having, and noticed that they were uncomfortable and had some sort of consistency in their timing. I won’t reminisce about all aspects of that day, as my other website contains the full birth story, but by the end of that day I was a Mom. I remember how tiny he was, and how unprepared I felt for the new responsibility I held in my arms. I also remember just studying his little arms, legs, fingers, feet, face, and even his little ears which had little elf hairs growing on the rims. How was it possible that something so beautiful and precious had been placed in my care? As he has grown, he has only gotten better. He is burned into my heart the way nothing else ever had been, or I suspect ever will be. Obviously I love his younger sister, but that first child bond – the fact that he first made me a Mother just makes the relationship different. We learned how to be, together, and are in fact still learning how to be. Each day brings a new piece of the world into his focus, and I hope I am able to help him interpret it in a meaningful way.
He has taught me many things, but perhaps the most powerful is that I am not able to control him. He is his own person, I do my best to guide his choices and decisions, but each day he pushes back just a little more. He is separating from me more and more with each passing day. It sometimes makes me sad to think that I can go weeks without speaking to my parents, and that one day He will go weeks without talking or maybe even thinking about his. Of course I am getting way ahead of myself here, the boy is 3, and it is not like he will be going off to college tomorrow. I guess I’m just reflecting more on my 3rd anniversary as a parent, than I am on his birth. When DH and I decided to try to conceive a baby, I don’t think either of us had any idea what a ride we were in for. Yes, we wanted to be parents, but I know I had only vague ideas of what that meant. I didn’t realize that for the rest of my life, I would think first about my children. I didn’t realize that my heart could grow as big as it has. I didn’t realize that the complicated little people we created would change me so much. I didn’t realize how wonderful it is to watch your children grow and accomplish new things. I didn’t realize how awe inspiring even the smallest things can be to a child, and how fabulous it is to observe them soak everything in.
Yes, we were children at one point in time, but as we grow and learn we become hardened to new things. We just don’t look at a birthday balloon the same way a 3-year old does. If my twenties were about thinking I knew it all, my thirties are certainly about teaching me that knowing it all means nothing. To really find joy in even the most mundane tasks, to find the butterfly, to see the ladybug, to happen upon a lucky stick, these are the true pleasures in life. Our world through a child’s eye is truly a wonderful place.
Thank you my little man, for teaching me, and for trusting me to guide you through these early years of your life. I love you.
P.S. I feel like I should start singing “I Hope you Dance” after what I’ve written above, but I won’t. Just reflecting…
I woke up like it was any other day (as much as that applies when you are 3 days past your “official” due date with your first baby), ate breakfast, and started my normal Saturday task of updating our finances in Microsoft Money (yes I know, I am a geek). While entering our expenses I started paying attention to the contractions I was having, and noticed that they were uncomfortable and had some sort of consistency in their timing. I won’t reminisce about all aspects of that day, as my other website contains the full birth story, but by the end of that day I was a Mom. I remember how tiny he was, and how unprepared I felt for the new responsibility I held in my arms. I also remember just studying his little arms, legs, fingers, feet, face, and even his little ears which had little elf hairs growing on the rims. How was it possible that something so beautiful and precious had been placed in my care? As he has grown, he has only gotten better. He is burned into my heart the way nothing else ever had been, or I suspect ever will be. Obviously I love his younger sister, but that first child bond – the fact that he first made me a Mother just makes the relationship different. We learned how to be, together, and are in fact still learning how to be. Each day brings a new piece of the world into his focus, and I hope I am able to help him interpret it in a meaningful way.
He has taught me many things, but perhaps the most powerful is that I am not able to control him. He is his own person, I do my best to guide his choices and decisions, but each day he pushes back just a little more. He is separating from me more and more with each passing day. It sometimes makes me sad to think that I can go weeks without speaking to my parents, and that one day He will go weeks without talking or maybe even thinking about his. Of course I am getting way ahead of myself here, the boy is 3, and it is not like he will be going off to college tomorrow. I guess I’m just reflecting more on my 3rd anniversary as a parent, than I am on his birth. When DH and I decided to try to conceive a baby, I don’t think either of us had any idea what a ride we were in for. Yes, we wanted to be parents, but I know I had only vague ideas of what that meant. I didn’t realize that for the rest of my life, I would think first about my children. I didn’t realize that my heart could grow as big as it has. I didn’t realize that the complicated little people we created would change me so much. I didn’t realize how wonderful it is to watch your children grow and accomplish new things. I didn’t realize how awe inspiring even the smallest things can be to a child, and how fabulous it is to observe them soak everything in.
Yes, we were children at one point in time, but as we grow and learn we become hardened to new things. We just don’t look at a birthday balloon the same way a 3-year old does. If my twenties were about thinking I knew it all, my thirties are certainly about teaching me that knowing it all means nothing. To really find joy in even the most mundane tasks, to find the butterfly, to see the ladybug, to happen upon a lucky stick, these are the true pleasures in life. Our world through a child’s eye is truly a wonderful place.
Thank you my little man, for teaching me, and for trusting me to guide you through these early years of your life. I love you.
P.S. I feel like I should start singing “I Hope you Dance” after what I’ve written above, but I won’t. Just reflecting…
5.25.2006
Feeling sorry for myself
I should rename my blog to something more appropriate, like "complains about everything" or "whines incessantly," yes I am about to whine and complain again. Not only am I horrible about updating this blog, but when I do post it is just to vent/complain/etc. If you are still reading I'd be surprised.
I'm on a business trip right now, and thankfully I get to go back home tomorrow evening. I've been gone since Tuesday evening, but haven't seen my kids since I dropped them off at daycare Tuesday morning. My kids are fine, home with their Dad, and in a lot of ways my travel of late has been great for DH to figure things out with the kids without my help. It has also been good for Toddler and Infant (who recently had a birthday so she will now be referred to as Toddler 2) to learn to rely on Daddy rather than me all of the time. Of course I am insanely jealous of the fact that I am the one traveling. I'm sure I would complain if I were home alone with the kids and DH were traveling, but DH says nothing. Honestly I think he is worried I will quit my job if he presses the issue too much, and he likes the money I earn far too much to let me do that (at least without another job lined up).
Two weeks in a row with 3 nights away from home in each week is just brutal on me though. I feel so disconnected from my family, and I get so worn out having to be "on" while traveling with coworkers. Breakfast together, working together all day, lunch, dinner, and even a run with my boss last night. It is just too much. I almost said no when my boss asked if he could go for a run with me, the only me time I had in store for the day, but figured it was just plain rude for me to do so. Thankfully tonight he didn't want to run, so I skipped out on dinner with him in order to run solo, and grab a bite to eat by myself after my run. We are staying in a college town, with a variety of clothing stores just a block down from the hotel, so I ran, ate at Chipotle, and went shopping for a while. It was good, even though I kept passing people with babies which just made me miss my babies all the more. I don't have to travel next week, and am very much looking forward to the three day weekend this weekend. I think I need to be away for 4 nights the week after next though, and it just makes me sad. I don't feel like I can say no, but this travel is killing me.
I feel a little trapped for the time being. I don't want to change jobs until I have been here for at least a year since I have a couple of gaps in my employment history now. I suppose I could have a serious talk with my boss about my dissatisfaction with all of this travel, but he did warn me about travel when I accepted the job. I came into it knowing travel was likely, but since I didn't travel at all for the first 6 months it is just now coming to me how much I hate being away from the kids. I left a previous job partially because of travel, and those trips were almost always no longer than 1 night at a shot. I think I could handle 1 night away trips at this point, but these 3-4 day trips are impossible. My son now says things to me like "but you will go on a trip" when we are discussing daily plans. It breaks my heart. We have webcams for my laptop and for the desktop computer at home, so we have had some video calls this week, but I always end up in tears when we have to hang up. It just isn't the same. Toddler 2 tries to grab the monitor for a while, then she just sits and chews on her hand or a toy. Toddler walks away and begs to watch movies.
I realize I am completely rambling right now, I think I just need to get all of these feelings out of me rather than trying to pretend that I am okay with travel. I am not okay with travel. I need to be home with my kids, for their sake and for mine. I will not travel long term. I will find a new job, or find some way to make this job involve much less travel. I cannot just stay the course, because it is seriously affecting my quality of life.
Ugh, sorry to be such a downer.
I'm on a business trip right now, and thankfully I get to go back home tomorrow evening. I've been gone since Tuesday evening, but haven't seen my kids since I dropped them off at daycare Tuesday morning. My kids are fine, home with their Dad, and in a lot of ways my travel of late has been great for DH to figure things out with the kids without my help. It has also been good for Toddler and Infant (who recently had a birthday so she will now be referred to as Toddler 2) to learn to rely on Daddy rather than me all of the time. Of course I am insanely jealous of the fact that I am the one traveling. I'm sure I would complain if I were home alone with the kids and DH were traveling, but DH says nothing. Honestly I think he is worried I will quit my job if he presses the issue too much, and he likes the money I earn far too much to let me do that (at least without another job lined up).
Two weeks in a row with 3 nights away from home in each week is just brutal on me though. I feel so disconnected from my family, and I get so worn out having to be "on" while traveling with coworkers. Breakfast together, working together all day, lunch, dinner, and even a run with my boss last night. It is just too much. I almost said no when my boss asked if he could go for a run with me, the only me time I had in store for the day, but figured it was just plain rude for me to do so. Thankfully tonight he didn't want to run, so I skipped out on dinner with him in order to run solo, and grab a bite to eat by myself after my run. We are staying in a college town, with a variety of clothing stores just a block down from the hotel, so I ran, ate at Chipotle, and went shopping for a while. It was good, even though I kept passing people with babies which just made me miss my babies all the more. I don't have to travel next week, and am very much looking forward to the three day weekend this weekend. I think I need to be away for 4 nights the week after next though, and it just makes me sad. I don't feel like I can say no, but this travel is killing me.
I feel a little trapped for the time being. I don't want to change jobs until I have been here for at least a year since I have a couple of gaps in my employment history now. I suppose I could have a serious talk with my boss about my dissatisfaction with all of this travel, but he did warn me about travel when I accepted the job. I came into it knowing travel was likely, but since I didn't travel at all for the first 6 months it is just now coming to me how much I hate being away from the kids. I left a previous job partially because of travel, and those trips were almost always no longer than 1 night at a shot. I think I could handle 1 night away trips at this point, but these 3-4 day trips are impossible. My son now says things to me like "but you will go on a trip" when we are discussing daily plans. It breaks my heart. We have webcams for my laptop and for the desktop computer at home, so we have had some video calls this week, but I always end up in tears when we have to hang up. It just isn't the same. Toddler 2 tries to grab the monitor for a while, then she just sits and chews on her hand or a toy. Toddler walks away and begs to watch movies.
I realize I am completely rambling right now, I think I just need to get all of these feelings out of me rather than trying to pretend that I am okay with travel. I am not okay with travel. I need to be home with my kids, for their sake and for mine. I will not travel long term. I will find a new job, or find some way to make this job involve much less travel. I cannot just stay the course, because it is seriously affecting my quality of life.
Ugh, sorry to be such a downer.
5.12.2006
Ambivalence
So infant will be 12 months old in a week. This means that I will no longer have to be her primary source of nutrition. I don’t plan on weaning her, am hoping that she can get the chance to self-wean, but I will stop pumping at work (except when I am traveling over night). I’m down to one pump per day at work, and for some reason I just feel odd about that. I am hugely ambivalent about pumping at work. I hate it, but don’t want to give it up. How is that possible? I never even intended to pump at work at all, but here I am 8 months later still doing it. I thought for sure I would dance a little jig when I could stop pumping. Don’t get me wrong I know I will adjust quickly, and won’t miss the pump in the least when it is packed up for good. I just feel like I’m saying “Happy Birthday honey, your gift from me is no more breast milk.” Considering how much she enjoys nursing and breast milk in general I can’t see that this is a happy gift for her. I suppose part of it is that while I am still pumping I feel like I am still more connected to her even when she isn’t with me. Every time I pump I think of her little face looking up at me, and I just feel good about it.
Of course I also feel like I will miss my pumping breaks. They are the only times during the day that I can slack off and surf the internet without guilt. On the other hand, it will be really nice to not worry about finding places to pump at client sites. If I never have to pump while sitting on a toilet seat again it will be too soon. Still I worry that by not pumping during the day I will force Infant to wean sooner than she wants to. This parenthood business is just so damn complicated. Sometimes I wish I could make a decision about my children without having to analyze the implications 1000 times in my head, but I suppose I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that.
Of course I also feel like I will miss my pumping breaks. They are the only times during the day that I can slack off and surf the internet without guilt. On the other hand, it will be really nice to not worry about finding places to pump at client sites. If I never have to pump while sitting on a toilet seat again it will be too soon. Still I worry that by not pumping during the day I will force Infant to wean sooner than she wants to. This parenthood business is just so damn complicated. Sometimes I wish I could make a decision about my children without having to analyze the implications 1000 times in my head, but I suppose I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that.
5.10.2006
Indulgence
Both Infant and Toddler have birthdays coming up in the near future, so I've been racking my brain for gift ideas. I took a quick tour of their closets and found that Infant could easily go 3+ weeks without a repeated outfit, so that was no help to me (other than making me walk quickly by the cute cute kids clothes at Nordstroms today). A tour of Toddlers dresser and closet revealed a serious lacking for pants that are long enough for him, and no summer weight pajamas to speak of. It is just too bad that the Grandparents aren't going to want to give the boy *clothing* for his birthday, so I suppose that is up to me. Honestly I can't blame them after witnessing his reaction to clothing at Christmas (really should have videotaped the quick throws over his shoulder). A quick tour of the basement revealed a multitude of toys that can be new again to Toddler and would be completely new to Infant. At the suggestion from a friend I am actually considering wrapping up some of the old toys for Infant to open. The Grandparents will give me endless shit about doing so, but they can't deny the fact that my house is quickly becoming a plastic palace. If we get any more ride on toys or play sets I think we will have to start grinding down plastic to make me feel better about the effect on the environment. I still have no clue what to buy the kids...am open to suggestions!
5.04.2006
Starvation mode?
I’m still carrying around an extra 5 pounds of “baby weight” and it is starting to really bother me. The change of seasons has forced me to break out my shorts and Capri pants only to find out that they don’t fit. Ugh. My “fat” shorts do in fact fit, but the ones I actually like do not. So last week I finally started following my tried and true self-enforced Weight Watchers plan. I have yet to do my weekly weigh in, but I have weighed myself a few times this week only to find a gain of 2 pounds and most recently no change at all. This makes me extremely frustrated. I know WW works well, having used it more than once to lose weight, and I am pretty darn good at counting points now with the help of an Excel spreadsheet I made (with a little help from DH…okay he mostly made it with a little instruction from me). I’m not even trying to get to my real goal weight which is 10 pounds less than I weigh now, simply because I don’t think it is realistic while I am still nursing Infant. I hate that these last 5 pounds just seem glued to my hips and thighs.
I know I am being hard on myself, I can wear a size 6 off the rack in most stores right now. However, that is only due to size inflation…my 5-6 year old size 6 stuff is the reason I feel compelled to lose this weight as it is too tight. Is it so much for someone who runs 5 days/20-25 miles per week to be able to lose 5 pounds? I’m not even eating crazy foods or snacking inappropriately. Other people tell me that since I am nursing and running my body is going into starvation mode and is holding onto all of the fat it has. Apparently my body hasn’t gotten the message that it is not going to starve, and that those extra 5 pounds are just ugly and serve no real purpose. If it wants to hold onto extra fat I just wish it could be deposited in my breasts rather than on my hips. I’m going to continue following my nursing modified WW program for another week. If I fail to lose a pound or more I will likely just give up until I quit nursing.
I know I am being hard on myself, I can wear a size 6 off the rack in most stores right now. However, that is only due to size inflation…my 5-6 year old size 6 stuff is the reason I feel compelled to lose this weight as it is too tight. Is it so much for someone who runs 5 days/20-25 miles per week to be able to lose 5 pounds? I’m not even eating crazy foods or snacking inappropriately. Other people tell me that since I am nursing and running my body is going into starvation mode and is holding onto all of the fat it has. Apparently my body hasn’t gotten the message that it is not going to starve, and that those extra 5 pounds are just ugly and serve no real purpose. If it wants to hold onto extra fat I just wish it could be deposited in my breasts rather than on my hips. I’m going to continue following my nursing modified WW program for another week. If I fail to lose a pound or more I will likely just give up until I quit nursing.
4.27.2006
Where did I go?
I’m not sure when it happened, but it did. I find myself with very little patience for my whiney children. I know that getting up with Infant upwards of 4 times per night for the past few days hasn’t helped matters. I really try not to complain about sleep, but waking up 4 times a night is a good form of torture. We’ve tried medicating her with Motrin at bed time but she still wakes up multiple times. I can feel at least two teeth that are just starting to pop through her gums. Hopefully when the teeth come through we will get some sleep again. I really miss sleep. I don’t particularly enjoy traveling for work, but at least when I do I get to sleep through the night. Oddly enough Infant and Toddler both sleep through the night while I am traveling too. It isn’t clear whether DH just sleeps through the cries, or if they just roll over and go back to sleep because they know Mommy isn’t around.
The patience aspect comes in when Toddler is being defiant, or Infant just won’t go to sleep despite being clearly tired. This week I have felt like driving away and never coming back multiple times. I like to think that I am good at most things that I decide to do in life. Being a parent is just so different from every other aspect of life. If I don’t meet a running goal I know it is because I didn’t put in enough training, and I can make corrections. At work I can make adjustments to my style in order to be more effective. At home, it seems as though every time I think I have the children figured out they change. Last year I could bribe Toddler with an episode of Jo Jo’s Circus, but now he acts like I am torturing him if Jo Jo is on TV. A ride in the wagon used to be good as well, but now unless he gets to walk alongside the wagon and/or pull it himself (not a wise choice with Infant in the wagon as well) it isn’t appealing. I realize that he needs to develop independence, and his little revolts are his way of doing so. I just wish his independence didn’t make me late for work in the morning, or that I could get him to switch it off when it isn’t convenient for me.
I’m trying to remember if I ever had anything interesting to say, or if I was just mute prior to having children. I feel like all I ever talk about (outside of work) is my kids. I think I need to rediscover my own interests soon, because I am sick of listening to myself talk about my kids. I can only imagine how others must feel. DH and I have an anniversary coming up next week. We were married almost 9 years ago, and have only had the kids for 3 years of that time. How is it possible that all of that history is lost, and only our kids remain? I know it is there somewhere, just hidden under layers of diapers, sippy cups, bottles, and toys. Perhaps if I get some sleep I can reflect on the past fondly again.
The patience aspect comes in when Toddler is being defiant, or Infant just won’t go to sleep despite being clearly tired. This week I have felt like driving away and never coming back multiple times. I like to think that I am good at most things that I decide to do in life. Being a parent is just so different from every other aspect of life. If I don’t meet a running goal I know it is because I didn’t put in enough training, and I can make corrections. At work I can make adjustments to my style in order to be more effective. At home, it seems as though every time I think I have the children figured out they change. Last year I could bribe Toddler with an episode of Jo Jo’s Circus, but now he acts like I am torturing him if Jo Jo is on TV. A ride in the wagon used to be good as well, but now unless he gets to walk alongside the wagon and/or pull it himself (not a wise choice with Infant in the wagon as well) it isn’t appealing. I realize that he needs to develop independence, and his little revolts are his way of doing so. I just wish his independence didn’t make me late for work in the morning, or that I could get him to switch it off when it isn’t convenient for me.
I’m trying to remember if I ever had anything interesting to say, or if I was just mute prior to having children. I feel like all I ever talk about (outside of work) is my kids. I think I need to rediscover my own interests soon, because I am sick of listening to myself talk about my kids. I can only imagine how others must feel. DH and I have an anniversary coming up next week. We were married almost 9 years ago, and have only had the kids for 3 years of that time. How is it possible that all of that history is lost, and only our kids remain? I know it is there somewhere, just hidden under layers of diapers, sippy cups, bottles, and toys. Perhaps if I get some sleep I can reflect on the past fondly again.
4.21.2006
Blogging Deadbeat
I don't even have time for a decent blog post, but wanted to post something to get me back into the swing of things. Some work travel took me out of the habit of posting here, and it seems that once the habit is broken it is hard for me to recover. If anyone is still reading I will be back soon with something that may or may not be interesting to read.
3.31.2006
Birthdays
Happy Birthday to ME!
I have now reached the ripe age of 32. How is it possible that I am 32? I refuse to say 32 sounds old, because I know I am not old, but I remember thinking 32 was old at one point in my youth. I remember my parents hosting a surprise party for a friend of theirs who shared the same birthday with me. He was turning 31, so it was his “Golden” birthday party. It was a big production. I don’t remember his name, or even who he was, just that I should expect some big production on my Golden birthday which seemed forever away. Last year I had my golden birthday, and it passed with very little fanfare. DH bought me a card from Toddler and Infant (who was still in utero at that point), and a good friend of mine came out to dinner with us. I got the standard greeting cards from in-laws, parents, etc., but there was certainly no big production. I’m trying to remember when my birthdays stopped being fun. I recall having birthday celebrations with my friends and family, and being made to feel very special. I think all of that ended when I moved in with DH. While I love him to death, he sucks at celebrations. Perhaps I haven’t forced the issue enough (or at all), but aside from a gift and a thoughtful note in a card he doesn’t do birthdays.
I don’t expect much from him tonight. He did say happy birthday to me as he departed for work this morning, so he isn’t clueless. He will blame his lack of gifts on the fact that I am picky and ungrateful when I get gifts. Sadly he does have a point, as on more than one occasion I have been less than nice about gifts he has given me (you should have seen the fish/waterfall candle…yes I could have been more tactful). I actually used my birthday to try to force Toddler to come upstairs to brush his teeth this morning. I told him he had to be nice to me on my birthday, it is just too bad he didn’t buy it. He just started in about how his birthday will be next (even though I reminded him that Infant’s birthday actually comes next), and that there will be presents and balloons. I guess my birthday isn’t too exciting for him unless he gets to open and keep my presents.
Oh well, at least my Mom knows how to treat me right. We just returned from a week-long trip to visit her (hence no blog entries here). She did in fact bake me a birthday cake, give me a new pair of earrings, and a wonderful card. I should remember that when I am buying something for her birthday…give good birthday gifts to people who treat you nice on yours, give lumps of coal to those who don’t.
I have now reached the ripe age of 32. How is it possible that I am 32? I refuse to say 32 sounds old, because I know I am not old, but I remember thinking 32 was old at one point in my youth. I remember my parents hosting a surprise party for a friend of theirs who shared the same birthday with me. He was turning 31, so it was his “Golden” birthday party. It was a big production. I don’t remember his name, or even who he was, just that I should expect some big production on my Golden birthday which seemed forever away. Last year I had my golden birthday, and it passed with very little fanfare. DH bought me a card from Toddler and Infant (who was still in utero at that point), and a good friend of mine came out to dinner with us. I got the standard greeting cards from in-laws, parents, etc., but there was certainly no big production. I’m trying to remember when my birthdays stopped being fun. I recall having birthday celebrations with my friends and family, and being made to feel very special. I think all of that ended when I moved in with DH. While I love him to death, he sucks at celebrations. Perhaps I haven’t forced the issue enough (or at all), but aside from a gift and a thoughtful note in a card he doesn’t do birthdays.
I don’t expect much from him tonight. He did say happy birthday to me as he departed for work this morning, so he isn’t clueless. He will blame his lack of gifts on the fact that I am picky and ungrateful when I get gifts. Sadly he does have a point, as on more than one occasion I have been less than nice about gifts he has given me (you should have seen the fish/waterfall candle…yes I could have been more tactful). I actually used my birthday to try to force Toddler to come upstairs to brush his teeth this morning. I told him he had to be nice to me on my birthday, it is just too bad he didn’t buy it. He just started in about how his birthday will be next (even though I reminded him that Infant’s birthday actually comes next), and that there will be presents and balloons. I guess my birthday isn’t too exciting for him unless he gets to open and keep my presents.
Oh well, at least my Mom knows how to treat me right. We just returned from a week-long trip to visit her (hence no blog entries here). She did in fact bake me a birthday cake, give me a new pair of earrings, and a wonderful card. I should remember that when I am buying something for her birthday…give good birthday gifts to people who treat you nice on yours, give lumps of coal to those who don’t.
3.21.2006
Dr. Google
I’m still trying to find my groove with this blog, so please pardon week long absences from posting. I sometimes have trouble choosing what to write about, and end up writing nothing. Other times I have nothing to write about so I write about nothing, it is a weird sort of problem. I have never been one to keep a diary or a journal for more than a few days at a time, so I’m not surprised at my struggle. Anyway, bear with me and I hope to write at least a few nuggets of interest every once in a while.
The weekend’s major event was the unexplained nipple injury that prevented (still prevents) me from breastfeeding on one side. I have been having breast/nipple pain off and on for maybe two months now. It bothered me enough that I saw my doctor about it a couple of weeks ago. My web searching led me to believe that I must be dealing with a ductal yeast infection, so I went to my appointment pretty determined to get a prescription for Diflucan (Dr. Google couldn’t be wrong you know). My Doctor wasn’t convinced that it was yeast, but with the presence of a rash and nothing else noticeable he wrote a list of things I could try:
1. Do nothing – I’m thinking why would I have come in for an appt if I was okay with this option?
2. Hydrocortizone – I had tried this for about a day, and determined it wasn’t working
3. Diflucan – Can you guess which option I picked?
4. See a Dermatologist – Um, not unless #3 doesn’t work
So I’ve been taking Diflucan for a week and a half, and it doesn’t seem to be having any effect. I still have another week and a half to go though. I will spare you the details of what is causing the pain, but lets just say that there is blood involved (yes, this is where everyone asks me the dreaded question…why don’t you just wean?).
Infant is 10 months old, and after struggling through 6 weeks of initial pain while we worked on her lazy latch, and getting past her biting episodes I just don’t want to wean. It is an awesome thing to be able to breastfeed your baby. I love that it is a special bond that she and I share. Frankly it pisses me off that people think it is okay to ask me when I will wean, or to assume that because she is only 2 months from the AAP recommendation of 12 months of breastfeeding I’ve done “good enough.” I’m not going for good enough, and I’m not planning on cutting her off when she hits 12 months. I never imagined that I would be up for extended breastfeeding, but right now it seems like the most natural thing in the world. I suppose because I’m realizing that Infant will more than likely be my last baby, that when she weans my breastfeeding days are over for good. I should really try to enjoy these B-C cup days while I can, because if my previous experience holds true they will shrink down to A cups within a month of weaning. Sadly the booby fairy only sticks around my house when the milk fairy is here, oh well at least my jogging bras will all fit again when that happens.
The weekend’s major event was the unexplained nipple injury that prevented (still prevents) me from breastfeeding on one side. I have been having breast/nipple pain off and on for maybe two months now. It bothered me enough that I saw my doctor about it a couple of weeks ago. My web searching led me to believe that I must be dealing with a ductal yeast infection, so I went to my appointment pretty determined to get a prescription for Diflucan (Dr. Google couldn’t be wrong you know). My Doctor wasn’t convinced that it was yeast, but with the presence of a rash and nothing else noticeable he wrote a list of things I could try:
1. Do nothing – I’m thinking why would I have come in for an appt if I was okay with this option?
2. Hydrocortizone – I had tried this for about a day, and determined it wasn’t working
3. Diflucan – Can you guess which option I picked?
4. See a Dermatologist – Um, not unless #3 doesn’t work
So I’ve been taking Diflucan for a week and a half, and it doesn’t seem to be having any effect. I still have another week and a half to go though. I will spare you the details of what is causing the pain, but lets just say that there is blood involved (yes, this is where everyone asks me the dreaded question…why don’t you just wean?).
Infant is 10 months old, and after struggling through 6 weeks of initial pain while we worked on her lazy latch, and getting past her biting episodes I just don’t want to wean. It is an awesome thing to be able to breastfeed your baby. I love that it is a special bond that she and I share. Frankly it pisses me off that people think it is okay to ask me when I will wean, or to assume that because she is only 2 months from the AAP recommendation of 12 months of breastfeeding I’ve done “good enough.” I’m not going for good enough, and I’m not planning on cutting her off when she hits 12 months. I never imagined that I would be up for extended breastfeeding, but right now it seems like the most natural thing in the world. I suppose because I’m realizing that Infant will more than likely be my last baby, that when she weans my breastfeeding days are over for good. I should really try to enjoy these B-C cup days while I can, because if my previous experience holds true they will shrink down to A cups within a month of weaning. Sadly the booby fairy only sticks around my house when the milk fairy is here, oh well at least my jogging bras will all fit again when that happens.
3.14.2006
Cheating on the treadmill
We had a warm stretch of weather recently (warm being a relative term here in the Frozen Tundra), warm enough that I decided to leave the treadmill out of my weekend running adventures. I hope the treadmill wasn’t too offended by the slight, but the thought of actually running somewhere was just too appealing to pass up.
It took me almost 20 minutes to track down all of my outdoor running paraphernalia since the treadmill and I have been such good buds for most of the fall and all of the winter. I set the Garmin GPS watch (fabulous running gadget that is technically DH’s but since he hasn’t run since shortly after his DNF in the marathon I have taken it over) outside to gain a satellite signal, came back in and stripped off my fleecy vest because it was too warm for it. I also had to make sure my Nike arm strap MP3 player had a new battery in it so I didn’t run out of juice for the very outdated tunes I’ve had uploaded on it for the past 3 years. It always seems like a good idea to upload new tunes to it when I am listening to Pink singing Let’s Get this Party Started, but when I get home I throw the player back in the running bin and forget about it until the next outdoor run. Hey I also have UB40 singing Red Red Wine, and that song is always a good idea isn’t it?
The run was fairly uneventful. I passed a gaggle of Army people who were congregated after a run (I assume because they all looked sweaty and many had red faces), I only know they were army because of the telltale ARMY on their t-shirts (yes I am very observant). I also ran along a road that is partially closed off to all traffic, and it was only barely passable by foot. Aside from that there were very few distractions along the way. I remembered what hills are, and my quads and hamstrings appreciated the extra workout they got running up and down some nice hills. I liked it enough that I ran outside the next day as well. Sadly, winter reappeared on Monday and our streets are now snow covered again. The treadmill and I resumed our relationship this afternoon, I did get to catch the end of Oprah so it wasn’t all bad.
It took me almost 20 minutes to track down all of my outdoor running paraphernalia since the treadmill and I have been such good buds for most of the fall and all of the winter. I set the Garmin GPS watch (fabulous running gadget that is technically DH’s but since he hasn’t run since shortly after his DNF in the marathon I have taken it over) outside to gain a satellite signal, came back in and stripped off my fleecy vest because it was too warm for it. I also had to make sure my Nike arm strap MP3 player had a new battery in it so I didn’t run out of juice for the very outdated tunes I’ve had uploaded on it for the past 3 years. It always seems like a good idea to upload new tunes to it when I am listening to Pink singing Let’s Get this Party Started, but when I get home I throw the player back in the running bin and forget about it until the next outdoor run. Hey I also have UB40 singing Red Red Wine, and that song is always a good idea isn’t it?
The run was fairly uneventful. I passed a gaggle of Army people who were congregated after a run (I assume because they all looked sweaty and many had red faces), I only know they were army because of the telltale ARMY on their t-shirts (yes I am very observant). I also ran along a road that is partially closed off to all traffic, and it was only barely passable by foot. Aside from that there were very few distractions along the way. I remembered what hills are, and my quads and hamstrings appreciated the extra workout they got running up and down some nice hills. I liked it enough that I ran outside the next day as well. Sadly, winter reappeared on Monday and our streets are now snow covered again. The treadmill and I resumed our relationship this afternoon, I did get to catch the end of Oprah so it wasn’t all bad.
Of Barf and Bowel Movements
How is that for a title huh? Infant has been sick since last Wednesday evening. She has been puking on and pooping through her outfits and mine several times per day. We brought her to the pediatrician on Friday, and were given the diagnosis of Rotavirus. I guess the virus just needs to run its course, and we just need to make sure she stays hydrated. We tried giving her Pedialyte, but she acted as though we were poisoning her with the “fruit flavored” variety. We had some luck by making Pedialyte ice cubes and putting them inside of the little mesh self-feeder for her to suck on. Otherwise the little monster just wants to nurse and then barf it back up on me. She seemed like she was on the path to recovery on Sunday, and was well enough for daycare on Monday so we thought we were in the clear. Unfortunately the princess of puke projectile vomited all over herself and me just before we were headed out the door this morning. Thankfully I have enough flexibility to work from home, but I’m finding it pretty hard to type on the laptop with Infant trying to get in on the action.
It is amazing how quickly your puke and poop tolerance increases. The first time I was puked on I was disgusted, had to take a shower immediately afterwards. The second time I was puked on I also showered, but not until everything had been cleaned up. When I was puked on this morning I changed her clothes and mine, and then got dressed again. Yes, I am sure I still have some lingering puke smell on me, but since I am working from home who is going to notice? As for poop, well I have a high threshold for nasty poop already since I have been changing Toddler’s diapers for over 2.5 years.
It is amazing how quickly your puke and poop tolerance increases. The first time I was puked on I was disgusted, had to take a shower immediately afterwards. The second time I was puked on I also showered, but not until everything had been cleaned up. When I was puked on this morning I changed her clothes and mine, and then got dressed again. Yes, I am sure I still have some lingering puke smell on me, but since I am working from home who is going to notice? As for poop, well I have a high threshold for nasty poop already since I have been changing Toddler’s diapers for over 2.5 years.
3.07.2006
Warning sounds
Last night we were making dinner at home. The oven was set to some crazy high temperature, which was causing a good deal of smoke to form from whatever was burning off inside the oven. I quickly peeked in the oven, and I knew almost instantly that the smoke that escaped would set off our incredibly loud smoke detector. Sure enough, it did. DH was playing with Toddler in the small eating area off of our kitchen (directly below the offensive smoke detector), and he practically jumped into DH’s arms. Infant was in the same general area, and while she didn’t look happy she wasn’t really phased (though she too was scooped up into DH’s arms very quickly). I quickly rushed over to help, and Toddler leapt into my arms. He then asked if we could please go to the living room. If I recall correctly the smoke detector stopped sounding shortly after we made our way into the living room, but Toddler was still scared. I used my usually effective calming method of turning on a Toy Story DVD, but Toddler was still shaking. He asked me if we could go hide in the bathroom, which I found very odd. We didn’t go to the bathroom, and he eventually calmed down, but he kept talking about the incident for the rest of the night.
This wasn’t the first time the smoke detector had scared him. When we first moved into our house (a year ago already!), it went off along with the other buzzers that were connected to the then functioning (but not monitored) Brinks security system. At that point he was very frightened, and didn’t have anywhere near the verbal skills to express that to us (aside from by crying). He was so frightened back then that he would refuse to walk under any smoke detector in the house. I think that fear lasted for at least a couple of weeks, and made life difficult as we have smoke detectors scattered everywhere in the house.
At daycare drop-off this morning, Toddler started in about the fire in the oven and the smoke “protector” so I relayed the incident to our DCP. Thankfully she provided some clarification about the hide in the bathroom comment. Apparently when the Tornado warning sirens go off on the first Wednesday of every month, she takes the kids to hide in the bathroom until it is safe to come out again (when the sirens go off). It essentially becomes a Tornado warning drill once a month. Anyway, that conversation had Toddler stuck in a loop about going outside when there is fire in the oven, and hiding in the bathroom when there is too much wind. Sometimes my little guy reminds me of Rain Man (you know the Dustin Hoffman character) when he gets stuck in these loops, but I suppose they help him process the information. The thought of him worrying over these things just makes me sad. I so wish, that he could just rest assured that we will take care of him, but I know it is important for him to make these discoveries in life. I just wish I didn’t have to see that terrified expression on his face.
This wasn’t the first time the smoke detector had scared him. When we first moved into our house (a year ago already!), it went off along with the other buzzers that were connected to the then functioning (but not monitored) Brinks security system. At that point he was very frightened, and didn’t have anywhere near the verbal skills to express that to us (aside from by crying). He was so frightened back then that he would refuse to walk under any smoke detector in the house. I think that fear lasted for at least a couple of weeks, and made life difficult as we have smoke detectors scattered everywhere in the house.
At daycare drop-off this morning, Toddler started in about the fire in the oven and the smoke “protector” so I relayed the incident to our DCP. Thankfully she provided some clarification about the hide in the bathroom comment. Apparently when the Tornado warning sirens go off on the first Wednesday of every month, she takes the kids to hide in the bathroom until it is safe to come out again (when the sirens go off). It essentially becomes a Tornado warning drill once a month. Anyway, that conversation had Toddler stuck in a loop about going outside when there is fire in the oven, and hiding in the bathroom when there is too much wind. Sometimes my little guy reminds me of Rain Man (you know the Dustin Hoffman character) when he gets stuck in these loops, but I suppose they help him process the information. The thought of him worrying over these things just makes me sad. I so wish, that he could just rest assured that we will take care of him, but I know it is important for him to make these discoveries in life. I just wish I didn’t have to see that terrified expression on his face.
3.06.2006
Phone phobia
DH and I have lots of plans for things we would like to improve around the house. We talk a good game, but never end up actually calling to schedule any sort of appointments. I recently subscribed to Angie's List, so I could get good sources of "pre-screened" contractors easily. I proudly showed the information to DH, who then lamented that unfortunately we still have to call the people. He said that what we need is for someone to actually call the contractors to set up appointments for us. He has a good point. Why is it so incredibly hard to pick up the phone and make appointments? It isn't as though we even want to find the best deal, just a deal, we are just too lazy to do it. Of course, my entrepreneurial brain set to work to come up with a business idea to deal with this realization. I could become a virtual personal shopper for all things service/repair/contracting related for others. I am willing to bet that there is a market for such a service...of course it would have to be easily accessible through email so calling me to help didn't encounter the same roadblock.
Why is it that the thought of doing this for others sounds so appealing, but I still can't manage to call anyone for our own needs?
Why is it that the thought of doing this for others sounds so appealing, but I still can't manage to call anyone for our own needs?
3.02.2006
Travel quirks
We are planning a trip to visit my Mom at the end of this month. This will be the first time we have flown on an airplane as a family of four. I'm not too worried about it, since in my former life I was a Gold Elite frequent flier, but I am already dreading the logistics of getting us onto the plane. I am one of those people who always packs way too much, and recognizes that fact. However, I know I will be running around the night before we leave trying to get everything ready for our trip. We will arrive at my Moms and I will not wear even 50% of the clothes I will bring. I will be tempted to pack things for my kids that they have never used to date, "just in case." I will bring back-up outfits for the kids for each day, completely forgetting the fact that my Mom does in fact own a washing machine. DH will also be a nervous wreck, since he hasn't flown more than a handful of times in his life, so he will be basically useless at offseting my anxiety.
I'm sure we will have a good time on the trip, Toddler will be awestruck by the experience since he likely doesn't remember his last plane trip (a year and a half ago), and Infant will not really know what is going on. I just hate the stress I allow myself to feel in the getting ready to go stage. It is not as though we are leaving the country, but yet I will feel compelled to pack three tubes of Desitin despite the fact that even with a really nasty diaper rash we couldn't use that much in 3 months. Why is it that I know all of this about myself, but still let it happen? I used to travel weekly for work, had it down to a science, could pack in less than 10 minutes, never brought extra things because there wasn't room for them in my carry-on. Leisure travel is much more stressful for me than business travel ever was. I will pack so much for this trip that we will risk being charged for oversized luggage. Oh well, at least I recognize the fact that I am crazy, that must count for something right?
I'm sure we will have a good time on the trip, Toddler will be awestruck by the experience since he likely doesn't remember his last plane trip (a year and a half ago), and Infant will not really know what is going on. I just hate the stress I allow myself to feel in the getting ready to go stage. It is not as though we are leaving the country, but yet I will feel compelled to pack three tubes of Desitin despite the fact that even with a really nasty diaper rash we couldn't use that much in 3 months. Why is it that I know all of this about myself, but still let it happen? I used to travel weekly for work, had it down to a science, could pack in less than 10 minutes, never brought extra things because there wasn't room for them in my carry-on. Leisure travel is much more stressful for me than business travel ever was. I will pack so much for this trip that we will risk being charged for oversized luggage. Oh well, at least I recognize the fact that I am crazy, that must count for something right?
3.01.2006
Barrettes
Toddler recently discovered a box of barrettes I purchased for Infant's hair. He is a vision of loveliness with his 3 barrettes scattered through his fairly short hair and his new favorite footwear (his rain boots). I definitely need to capture the look on film (or in pixels to be more precise). The little plastic barrettes remind me so much of my own childhood, just looking through the box makes me smile. Thankfully Infant hasn't quite figured out that they are in her hair, because when she does I'm sure she will try to eat them. I just can't bring myself to cut her too long bangs, but they are so long that they now cover her eyes and it doesn't seem fair to leave them there.
2.23.2006
What a Dick
I've been watching the Olympics on NBC for the past week, mainly because there is nothing else to watch and we've caught up on all of our DVR'd regular shows. Figure skating has sucked me in once again. Unfortunately NBC had the poor taste to hire Dick Button as a commentator for the sport yet again. This old coot is ruthless when he gets wound up. Not only does he point out even the hint of an imperfection in a performance, he lets us know about flaws in wardrobe, and even when the skaters are "too athletic" for his tastes. I actually heard him complain about a skater not tucking her laces inside of her skates, saying that it ruined the look of the entire package. Only Dick woud look closely enough to see skate laces. At least Scott Hamilton and Sandra Bezic try to keep him grounded in reality. I had to look up the winner of the Women's competition online because I couldn't stand to finish watching old Dick any longer tonight. I won't destroy it for those of you who are waiting to see the coverage unfold, but I'm sure Dick will destroy most of it for you anyway.
2.21.2006
Too much TV
I've been feeling some strong guilt lately for the amount of television I let Toddler watch. He demands his favorite shows at all times of day, and often it is just plain easier to give in and let him watch. I get the nice bonus of him being happy while I get a few moments to myself. I know that the AAP recommends that kids watch very little television, and that kids under 2 watch NONE. Of course this only strengthens my guilt because Infant is often zoned out in front of the TV with her brother. I almost jumped for joy when I read this Slate article yesterday: The Benefits of Bozo . Is it wrong that even a glimmer of hope that I am not permanently damaging my children's brains makes me so happy?
2.19.2006
Road trip
DH went away for the weekend so I decided to take the kids to go visit their Grandparents (my Dad and Step-Mom) a 2.5 hour drive. Toddler was excited about seeing Grandma and Grandpa and Max (their dog), Infant needed a nap and I had my fingers crossed that she would sleep through the entire drive. The trip started off well. Toddler was pointing out trucks to me, and repeating the question "are we going to Grandma and Grandpa's house?" Approximately 20 mintues from home I realize I've left my wallet at home. I don't have enough gas in the car to make it to my Dad's house, so I have to turn around to get my wallet. As we pull into our driveway, Toddler asks if we are at Grandma and Grandpa's house, despite the fact that I've repeatedly told him that I need to get my wallet at home. No, buddy Mommy just forgot something at home...I'm irritated at myself and briefly consider just calling the trip off and staying home, but we go anyway.
We stop for gas just north of the metro area, and as the car slows Infant wakes up. I guess the hum of the car was keeping her asleep, but when it is gone she thinks her nap is over. For some reason I didn't take this opportunity to put sun shades on the rear windows, Infant protests wildly because the sun is in her face as a result. The rest of the trip was a blurr of trying to throw toys at children while driving, and hoping they would remain happy, Infant crying, and Toddler demanding things he had dropped on the floor. We stopped one more time en route, mainly so Infant could nurse, but it was a good opportunity to pick up stray toys and attach sunshades to the windows...of course I forgot about the sunshades again. Honestly I think being a Mom has deleted part of my short-term memory.
We made it to my Dad's house finally, and I vowed to be better prepared with toys and distractions for the drive home. I almost left my cell phone on the return trip, but thankfully my Step-Mom ran it out to me before I drove off. The kids slept through at least 2 hours of the return trip, it was MUCH easier.
We stop for gas just north of the metro area, and as the car slows Infant wakes up. I guess the hum of the car was keeping her asleep, but when it is gone she thinks her nap is over. For some reason I didn't take this opportunity to put sun shades on the rear windows, Infant protests wildly because the sun is in her face as a result. The rest of the trip was a blurr of trying to throw toys at children while driving, and hoping they would remain happy, Infant crying, and Toddler demanding things he had dropped on the floor. We stopped one more time en route, mainly so Infant could nurse, but it was a good opportunity to pick up stray toys and attach sunshades to the windows...of course I forgot about the sunshades again. Honestly I think being a Mom has deleted part of my short-term memory.
We made it to my Dad's house finally, and I vowed to be better prepared with toys and distractions for the drive home. I almost left my cell phone on the return trip, but thankfully my Step-Mom ran it out to me before I drove off. The kids slept through at least 2 hours of the return trip, it was MUCH easier.
2.15.2006
Valentines
I decided to make Valentine's Day cards for Toddler and Infant's daycare playmates. I realized that most of the kids would give him the store bought 25 cards for $1.99 variety, but felt above doing the same. I realize that the kids topping out at age 5, won't be impressed by homemade cards. They will be impressed with Sponge Bob and Dora cards though so I'm not sure why I felt compelled to make hand stamped cards. Anyway, I went on two separate treks to crafting stores to find a "Happy Valentine's Day" stamp, some new card stock, and some washable stamping ink pads (so Toddler could help). I'll fast forward to the actual card making so I don't bore everyone with the minutiae...Toddler helped for the first 2 cards or so, then I decided that even with washable ink pads he was too young to really help. He loved stamping, but just kept inking his hands, and stamping on inappropriate surfaces. DH chuckled at me, and asked me what was wrong with the store bought cards. The cards got handed out at daycare, but I'm sure they were quickly tossed aside since they were not attached to a piece of candy. Oh well, at least the other kids' parents had a nice laugh at the fact that I spent so much time making cards nobody cares about.
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