Boundaries

My heart broke a little this morning, or it wanted to break just a little this morning. I almost caved to my instinct to stop the heart breaking, but I held firm instead. And you know what happened? My heart grew instead. I work from home these days, and I knew that this morning I had a call that I needed to be on and ready to actively participate on by 8. I didn't want to be on mute and in the background getting The Girl ready to leave the house and then off to daycare where she catches the bus. After my workout I woke her, telling her I was going to get in the shower, that I had an early call, and that she needed to be up and ready if she wanted a ride to daycare (it is 2 blocks away). She said almost nothing in response, so I was not surprised when after my shower she was still in bed showing no signs of waking or moving. I told her again, that I had a call, and that when I was dressed/ready we would be leaving or that she could walk. After I was ready for the day, she was of course, still sleeping. I told her I would make her lunch, but that if she wasn't ready in 10 minutes I wouldn't be able to drive her.

I guess you can all see where this is going...at 8 I got on my call. The Girl was still in bed. I heard her moving around upstairs at a little past 8, and at 8:10 or so she came into the office with her sad face and asked me for a ride. I pointed to the phone, and told her I couldn't (I had to mute). She slammed the door and stormed off. Then she came back again and tried the same thing to no avail. After a couple of minutes she gave up and walked down to daycare. I was able to actively participate on my call without muting (mostly) and I felt strong because of it.

My point in sharing this story is not to embarrass my daughter. It came to me a few days ago - with the help of T showing me that I needed to get this, that we don't have firm enough boundaries with our kids - or maybe just I don't have firm enough boundaries with them. This hasn't always been the case, but it has been recently. I read a few books in the past year that I think set me on a path where I thought we didn't need boundaries and consequences (though to be fair this was absolutely not in either of the books). I'd been devoting a lot of my time and energy towards helping both of my kids in letting themselves feel their emotions when they happen rather than stuff them and hide them and fear them as I learned to do as a child. I know that this has been important work, and it is by no means done, but in addition to that work my kids need to know that I have boundaries. Both kids to some degree have been testing boundaries lately, nothing disastrous really, but in hindsight I can see that my kids were pushing back to see where the actual boundary was. I've had scenes like the one with The Girl this morning many times before, and I have still driven her when she comes down with a sad face, and then muted myself on the call. So why would she respect my time limit for getting a ride to daycare? She didn't think it was a real boundary, and she knew she could negotiate with me and get her ride.

I still don't love the incident this morning, the nurturing mom in me wanted to drive her. I knew that the indulgence of me driving her today wasn't going to do her any good tomorrow though. Ultimately it wouldn't do her any good as she becomes an adult either. I hope that she is able to be strong enough to set boundaries for herself, and stick to them. There are so many times in life when we are asked to trample our own boundaries, and that is where problems arise. The only way she will become an adult who can set and stick to her own boundaries is by having parents who model that skill for her as she is growing up.

Another Brené Brown quote to learn from

The same idea holds true for my son. Just yesterday he confided in me that some kids at school took his pencil, a pen, and a highlighter from his pencil case under the guise of "being funny." It wasn't funny though, and he was too shy, and too afraid to speak up for himself. Instead he went the rest of the day with no pencil because he only had one with him at school that day. I think in his case the issue is trickier than needing firm boundaries, but it is certainly an aspect of what happened. A year ago I would have talked to his teacher about it on his behalf, but he doesn't want his Mom involved now that he is in middle school. He and I will talk about it more. I think he understands that those kids stole from him, and the fact that he doesn't want to say anything to them or a teacher about it because he is afraid one of them will beat him up - well that is bullying. As much as I want to swoop in and rescue him, I can see that what he really needs is for his Mom to be there to coach him through it - and to listen to how he feels about it. He may not decide to stand up for himself in this particular case, but hopefully over time he will realize that he has that power inside himself. I want him to know that he is he worthy of boundaries.

The hardest thing about parenting seems to be that we can't give our kids anything we don't already have for ourselves. If I don't respect my own boundaries my kids won't be able to do that for themselves either - unless they find themselves a good deal of therapy as adults that is. As much as I want my kids to be able to learn from what I say, they will only learn by watching what I do. Recognizing that power - that obligation - forces us to grow up.

Breaking all popularity records

45 comments to my Super Why instruction post breaks all previous records of replies to posts for me. I was curious as to why I was getting so many hits, so I googled "Super Why costume" and found that my post from last year was the number one hit. Craziness! I'm glad that some of you found it helpful. In case some of you aren't getting emails from the Super Why Club Newsletter, this PDF file might be fun for you and your little ones. In case you are still looking for the graphic, please go to Baby Blog Addict for a clean crisp and easily accessible logo. Our Halloween madness begins tomorrow with the annual daycare Halloween party. I'm a little ashamed to admit that The Boy won't even watch Super Why anymore, but his little sister does still like it when she can be dragged away from The Backyardigans. Our Super Why costume will be sitting on a shelf this year, but maybe The Girl will want to wear it next year? She is planning on dressing as Buzz Lightyear this year, and The Boy will be Curious George.

The Halloween tricks began early for us, when the kids decided to decorate our door with sidewalk chalk. While it wasn't a fully santioned activity, it was too cute not to photograph.

Happy Halloween!

Super Why the Costume Part II

I thought this Halloween would be easier for parents of Super Why obsessed kids. However, from the occasional comments to this post from last year, and the flood of emails I get (in my treadmillista account that I basically never check) in response to the Super Why costume I guess I am wrong. I decided to take the time to detail out The Boy's Super Why costume from last year. Hopefully this can help someone else, who is looking for ways to make a Super Why costume for their Super Whyatt loving children.



Please note that I can't find the mask. The costume was in a pile of costumes in the basement play room, and as you know children don't always leave things in neat little piles. I suspect the mask is hiding somewhere in our 2-story plus finished basement house...I just don't know where.

The Shirt: this was made with green t-shirt material by my fabulous MIL. I found the logo on a coloring page printable from the PBS kids website, and then printed it on iron-on ink jet paper (you can buy the iron on ink jet paper at a variety of places including Target) and T ironed it onto the shirt. Baby Blog Addict posted a fabulous clean jpeg image that you can use for this purpose, so check it out - I was emailing it, but I'm burnt out!


The shirt with the pants: The pants were made with the same t-shirt material. My MIL is pretty resourceful and didn't need a pattern to make either the shirt or the pants. This is great because I don't even know how to turn on our sewing machine (it is really T's not mine).



The back of the shirt has two small velcro strips sewn onto it, for easy attachment of the cape:


The shirt with the cape attached: The cape was re-used from a very old costume from T's childhood when he was Batman. It feels like a nylon blend of some sort.


The little shorts: These were also re-used from that same very old Batman costume. Same material as the cape...



The under shirt: The Boy had this already in his closet. It is a size 4 Lands End plain blue long-sleeved t-shirt.


The total package (minus the mask):


The mask - If I remember correctly we used thin foam board to get the basic shape, and then my MIL wrapped the green t-shirt material around it somehow. She used velcro strips at the end of strings of the t-shirt material so it could be secured around The Boy's head.

If you have further questions I will try to funnel them to my mother in law! I hope this helps someone.

Note: I updated the link to the Super Why logo, this new link should work. I apologize for not being responsive to questions/emails, but my current job has me swamped and just unable to devote time to a blog anymore. Good luck with your costume making!

A tough return

It isn't news to you that I am not blogging much these days, or well this year. When you start every post in somewhat of a similar vein, it likely unnecessary though isn't it? I'm back primarily because I'm dealing with something that is happening to a friend, and wanted to talk about it here.

However, first of all I wanted to say that some things have changed in my life in the past few months. I got a new job. A new job that doesn't require any travel. My commute shortened, my work flexibility increased, and I moved completely out of the realm of engineering. It is too soon to tell if this is a good thing, but frankly for the sake of my family this is a very good change. I no longer have to live with the fear that I will have to travel next week or the week after, and dread those long trips away from my kids. It is all about them, and spending time with them.

So the thing I'm struggling with is that one of the strong and fabulous women with whom I've been in a buddy group with since The Boy was teeny tiny...she is going to miss out on all of the rest of the years with her kids. It is so completely unfair to lose a friend, but a friend with a 5 year old and a 2 year old is just too much. Every time I look at my kids and make plans for next week I think of her, and her battle to make it through just one more day.

Hug your kids, hold them tight. Cherish every moment you have with them.

Rookie mistakes

The Boy started preschool this year. It has been an interesting time. The first few weeks he was completely thrilled with school, asking every day if it was a school day. We were excited because he seemed to be flourishing. Then he started not wanting to go to school. T came home one day (after picking The Boy and his carpool buddy up from preschool) and told me that the teachers were concerned because The Boy had been “sad” that day. I picked him up the next time, and his main teacher expressed the same concern to me. There was talk of a special program The Boy could participate in, a program that involved being pulled out of his class for ten minutes a time, to work on his “self-esteem.”

My knee jerk reaction was to be appalled by the program. The whole point of him being in a big group preschool was for him to get used to a group of kids his age. His self esteem is fine. We talked about it for a while and decided that my knee jerk reaction was right for him. We didn’t sign the permission slip and there has been no mention of it since. There has, however, been mention of the teacher with the “mean voice” from The Boy. It seems that one of the teachers is a bit too forceful for our sensitive little guy to handle. He is afraid of her. I was so impressed that he was able to articulate his fears to me that I made the mistake of focusing on them way too much. I think what I effectively did was to validate his fears and enforce them. I’m such a rookie.

We had a week of The Boy refusing to ride with his carpool (to get from daycare to preschool), and now we are at a point of asking our DCP to help physically force him into the carpool vehicle. At school he is fine. He has a great time. When we pick him up he is all smiles and will profess that he loves school…until it is preschool day again. Tomorrow is another preschool day, and my guess is that he will tell me that he wants to stay at daycare instead of going to school. I will ignore and redirect and tell me that he will have lots of fun at preschool, remind him of all of the fun crafts they do there, and grit my teeth and hope that today is the day he remembers how fun school is.

Rookie mistakes, how many more do you think I can make this year?

Comfortably numb

I know that when the kids are behaving horribly it only makes matters worse when I get angry. If I get angry, they sense it, and their behavior gets worse. I know this yet, sometimes I find myself in that cycle of increasing anger anyway. When your children wake you up at 4:30 AM, and you are all over tired and miserable it is hard to behave rationally. The children are crabby, and more prone to horrible behavior, and I am less likely to deal with the horrible behavior in a good way.

It is on days like those when I want to be the one who leaves for work first, the one who doesn’t have to get the kids from a state of pajamas and empty tummies, to one of daycare appropriate clothing and at least partially filled tummies. I want to be the one who doesn’t have to fight with the children to get them into the car. I want to be the one who can calmly tell me later “you shouldn’t let it get to you so much.” I want to be the one who thinks first about his need to get to work, and how much work he needs to accomplish this day, rather than about the hundreds of little things that need to be done for the children and for the household. I want to be the one who calls home at 5:30 PM and asks if I’ve already picked up the kids from daycare (daycare that closes at 5:30 PM). I want to be the one who can work from 7 AM until 6 PM with no thought of how my children got from their beds to daycare and back home again. I want to be the one whose job comes first, whose job is more important, and who’s simply not able to leave work after working for 8 hours. I want to be the one who can come home and eat dinner and then sit on the couch reading a book until one of the children or I make him engage the family in some way. I want to be the one who the children scream “Not you, only Mommy can do it” at when I try to help them. I want to be the one who can turn off all things family while I’m at work. I want to be the one who doesn’t have to worry about how all of that yelling in the morning is shaping our children negatively. I want to disengage at will.

I want all of it, or at least I would want it, until I had it for five minutes.

PS. To lighten the mood a bit, I just have to post a shout out to my Mom. Happy 60th Birthday Mom! I hope you are having a fabulous time in Vegas with my dear brother and his dear wife, can't wait to see you next month!

Give me a boost(er seat)

The Boy is four years old, and just maybe a pound or two shy of 40 pounds. Our current carseat situation includes a grand total of four carseats (make that five with the one we purchased yesterday evening). We have a pair of Britax Marathons, and a pair of Evenflo Triumph Vs that remain in our vehicles. This pairing has worked well for us since The Girl outgrew her infant bucket seat. We purchased the Marathons because they allow for 5-point harness usage up to 60 pounds.

We had intended to continue using this pairing of carseats until The Girl reached the height/and or weight limit for the Triumph seats, but we now have a snag in that plan. The Boy began preschool last week. He needs to get from daycare to preschool and then from preschool to home two days per week. We were very thankful that another of his daycare mates is in his preschool class, as this meant we could come up with a carpool arrangement. The snag in the carseat paring comes in when we concluded that it just isn’t possible to fit even the tiny portable low-back booster (our fifth carseat) between the two carseats in my 2000 Honda CRV. There isn’t even a shoulder belt in that position so even if we could fit the carseat there it wouldn’t be safe.

We’ve decided to buy The Boy a booster seat to use in my car from here on out. When his buddy is in the car with him, he will ride in the Marathon (which will otherwise become The Girl’s), and she will ride in the booster seat. When he is in the car with his sister he will ride in the booster seat. As we were contemplating this carseat switcheroo I started seeing the memory You Tube video of the little boy who died when his seatbelt failed in my head, but I had to squash it. I just can’t see spending the money on another Marathon at this point. A big part of me really looks forward to The Boy being able to easily fasten his own seat belt in the booster seat…one less kid to strap in sounds downright heavenly to me. Does it make me a bad Mom to not want to deal with a 5-point harness anymore?
We are looking at the Britax Parkway, anyone have it or another you could tell me about?

We've hit the potty jackpot

For my long time readers you may remember that we had a bit of trouble potty training The Boy. Eventually it worked, but there was much frustration on my part before it did. The Girl is just 2 years and 3 months old and she is already basically potty trained. I credit daycare for this feat, because we certainly didn't initiate the process. The Boy was over 3.5 before training did anything, so I just assumed we had another year of diapers ahead of us. I even recently purchased a mega pack of Kirkland diapers from Costco, but I'm not sure we will need them all. The Girl has been in her new underwear all weekend, and has remained accident free.

Way to go honey, and thanks for taking it upon yourself to potty train, your parents are too lazy to help you in that department. I think that perhaps you are trying to make up for being so ornery your first 4 months of life, and your parents greatly appreciate it!

And modesty has left the building

The other Moms of kids old enough to open doorknobs can likely relate to this...I hope. It has been at least 3 years since I have been able to pee in privacy. Oh sure at first I made the cursory attempt to shut the bathroom door while I peed, but after hundreds of screams of MOMMY I NEEEEED you with pounding on the door and me having to get off of the toilet to open the door, I stopped shutting the door much less locking it. Occasionally I shut the door now, only to have a toddler or preschooler burst in on me aghast that I would shut them out of the room I'm in. It used to bother me, but now peeing with the door open has become my new normal. It is so extreme now that even when the kids are in bed I leave the door open while peeing.

T walked in on me peeing a few weeks ago (after the kids were in bed), and gave me a load of crap about it. Not only is it not his new normal, but he has never given in to the whole peeing with the door open idea. He still very much shuts doors when he uses the bathroom, a commendable trait I suppose. I have noticed that the kids don't pound on the door when he is in the bathroom, there is no DAAAADY I NEEED YOU. They give him his space, his privacy, they leave him alone. I know there have been knocks on the door when he is using the bathroom, but he mostly ignores them until he is done. Perhaps I need to try his approach, because the whole peeing with the door open isn't exactly my cup of tea. Any bets as to how this little experiment will turn out?

How much to pay a babysitter

I stumbled upon a babysitting rate calculator a while back. Mostly out of curiosity I entered the information which fits our household and our normal babysitter. I was given the rate of $5.75 per hour, which is in the ballpark of what we've paid in the past. I usually feel like an idiot when it comes time to pay our babysitter, because we have never really discussed her rate. Why is it that I trust this girl to watch my kids, but yet feel uncomfortable asking her how much she expects to be paid? Of course as someone who babysat plenty as a teen, I don't think I ever gave parents a set rate, just accepted whatever they gave me. I was likely underpaid then, when I made $2.00 an hour for watching FOUR kids, the youngest of whom was in diapers.

Anyway, I am posting this mainly because I'm curious to see how accurate the calculator is for other areas. Is it in the ballpark for you?

Can I have one?

Last night just before bedtime The Boy emerged from our bedroom holding something in his hand. He held it up to T and asked, “Can I have one?” T looked at it and said “no, you should really try to avoid touching those for the rest of your life.” The Boy was confused, I piped in to tell him that it was mine, and that it wasn’t candy. I walked away as T was telling him that it was a feminine hygiene product, I’m guessing there were more follow-up questions.

Oh I'd never let MY kids do that...

Okay fess up. What horrible things do you allow your kids to do, that in your pre-kid days you swore up and down that you would never allow? For me it has to be the huge bins filled with toys. I remember going to friends' houses who had kids and being absolutely disgusted by the vast quantity of cheap crappy toys that resided in the toy bins. I remember telling T that "we won't get happy meal toys for our kids, because there is no need to have all of those stupid little crappy toys all over the place." Ha!

Well we don't get happy meals for our kids, actually we only very rarely eat fast food as a family (I'm fairly sure that T on occasion eats fast food for lunch), but we do have vast quantities of little crappy toys scattered all throughout our house. We have two Rubbermaid bins full, we have a little car shaped storage bin device in The Boy's room, and we have an entire series of bins in The Girl's room all filled with crap. Oh, some of it isn't really crap, but the net effect in the house is that it looks like we never weed through our children's toys (which admittedly we don't do all that often). Turns out it is easier to have bins filled with crap if you want to be able to see your floors on occasion.

So what is your biggest back-track parenting wise? I'm tagging a few of my friends just to see if they will play along. Tell me PDX Mama, Christine, Kate, Jennifer, Lawyer Mama, and whomever else wants to play along, have you let your houses become disorganized toy stores too? If not, what do you do that you told yourself you would never do?

When I get a moment I will add pictures to this post, although I'd guess you can all pretty easily get a mental picture of the toy craziness.

New batteries please

The Fisher Price Aquarium (I had a picture of it here), get your minds out of the gutter! I'm sitting here listening to the horrid sound of the FP crib aquarium through the muffled sound of the baby monitor, and it is making me cringe. Eventually the monitor will declare the aquarium chirps and bubbles to be "background noise" and it will go back to quiet, but for now I'm stuck listening to the wacky sound of the aquarium when it is low on batteries. Funny that is just gets slow then speeds up again, almost like you are playing with the speed setting on a turntable...do people still remember those?

4 D batteries lie in wait, but we can't disturb the evening routine once it has begun...perhaps tomorrow night she will have an aquarium that actually emits some light and has recognizable tunes, but for now we suffer.

I swear that aquarium was the best baby gift we registered for and received...if only they made a plug in version so we didn't have to keep paying it with batteries. FP Aquarium = baby crack = toddler crack = preschoolers just like to turn it on and off again repeatedly when they somehow manage to climb into their little sisters' cribs.

Swedish Fish

It was a nice weekend for us, one that involved very little time away from home. The kids had a blast playing in our newly fallen snow. DH had a blast building a snow fort for the kids. I got a bunch of chores out of the way, and learned that our new dryer venting path is amazing. The dryer now vents just a short distance from its physical location, which resulted in dramatically reduced drying times for our clothes. Clothes were dry before the next load was done in the washer. It was simply amazing. I finished all of the laundry before my 2 pm naptime trip to Target. I should mention that I started earlier than normal because The Boy had an accident in his sleep…too bad he was sleeping right next to me. I think that was a first for me, waking up because someone else wet my bed. Anyway, despite the potty disaster it was still a nice day yesterday and all in all a great weekend.

The no TV before daycare plan is still holding steady. The kids did watch half of an episode of Wonder Pets, and an entire episode of The Backyardigans Saturday morning though. Of course they watched those episodes on Noggin, and as we all know Noggin is Preschool on TV, so no harm done (Fairly Odd Mother’s recent post had me thinking about the Noggin thing). They also watched the bulk of a Sesame Street episode on either PBS or Sprout Sunday morning. I should emphasize that I am not out to eliminate all television from their lives, and I don’t think an hour or more per day on the weekends is a bad thing. I just want my weekday morning routine to run more smoothly, and right now no TV is helping me achieve that goal.

I think it has been harder for me to give up my morning computer fix, than it has been for the kids to give up TV. They literally have not even noticed that something is different in their routine. Well, that isn’t entirely true; I bought generic pop tarts (frosted strawberry) and The Boy wasn’t fooled. He started eating his pop tart this morning, stopped and said “Mommy, what kind of pop tart is this?” I responded that it was a strawberry pop tart. He squished up his face and said “I don’t like this kind of pop tart,” and wouldn’t finish eating it. I didn’t taste it, but I can’t imagine it tastes all that differently from his normal sugary breakfast treat. It did have different edges than a Kellogg’s Pop Tart though, so perhaps that was his clue. The Girl happily chomped away, so at least they aren’t a complete waste. I only bought the Archer Farms toaster pastries because they were so much cheaper than the Kellogg’s version. I figured there was no possible way he would notice the difference. I guess he has discerning tastes! I mentioned the snub to our DCP this morning, and she recounted the time she had tried to pass off organic pop tarts on her son, he was not amused. Kellogg’s must really know what they are doing!

I managed to get two happy, smiling kids off to daycare this morning, with not a single protest. Of course, much of that can be credited to the fact that I presented each of them with a small baggie of Swedish Fish as a bribe to get them herded into the mudroom and in their boots. We all have our parenting crutches somewhere, and mine often involve gummy candies. Oh well, we can’t all be perfect can we? At least they were Swedish Fish; I am making them multi-cultural with candy!

Okay, I'll admit it

I’m just going to come right out with it today; I don’t like playing cars with my children. I also don’t like playing random dialogue games with people-like toy figures. I especially don’t like having to come up with random dialogue for the people-like figures. The Boy used to be so self-sufficient. He would entertain himself for long minutes without intervention from a parent; now that he has a built-in playmate for a sister he seems to need more intervention. I thought The Girl was supposed to cure us of actually having to interact with our children. Damn. I was wrong. It seems as though the presence of a playmate has just further hastened the idea that The Boy needs an accomplice to his play. I try my best to play with the kids, but I typically end up bored after less than five minutes. What is worse is that The Boy gets mad at me for “playing wrong.” I mean sometimes if you just make Doc and Ramon say the “wrong” things The Boy is sent into a tizzy. God forbid if you don’t follow Mack and Lightning McQueen at just the right time, all while crawling along the floor on your knees, and do not ever just push one of the cars so it drives solo, that is forbidden! My new tactic is to tell The Boy to play by himself for 5 minutes and then I will play with him. My secret hope is that he will get wrapped up in his own play and forget about my promise (sadly that has yet to happen). I had also hoped that The Girl would be a useful playmate, but it turns out that when they play together one of them ends up in tears and something to the effect of “but she just took that from me!” is screamed at me. Kind of makes me want to have a third child, just to see how much craziness I am capable of enduring...okay not really.

Someone please tell me it is okay for me to hate playing cars.

What's wrong with gift bags?

The Boy went to a birthday party for one of his daycare buddies yesterday afternoon, and he came home with a great gift bag filled with candy, and some fun little toys that he seems to enjoy. He got home and asked for some of the candy, but as I knew he’d just eaten cake, ice cream, and some M&Ms, I told him no (oh and it was already 7:45 PM, when his bed time is 8 PM). He accepted the no, and played with the toys in the gift bag for a while (while trying his best to keep The Girl away from his loot). He went to bed pretty easily, insisting that he hold onto his new beloved sticky monkey glow in the dark cheapie toy (the kind of toy that when balled up in your hand and thrown against a wall, will stick for a moment only to slowly roll down the wall). He even called down to me an hour later because he had dropped said monkey under his bed, and needed it in order to sleep. Whatever, at least he went back to sleep. He was still clutching the monkey this morning, and I had to pry it out of his hands when I dropped him off at daycare, promising him that he would get it back later in the day.

The whole thing made me think of something I read on cribsheet a while back. They pointed out a recently launched website created by parents who are concerned about the rampant craziness surrounding kids’ birthday parties. I looked at the site (Birthday’s without pressure) for a moment and went on with my day. Why do we give gift bags at birthday parties? I wouldn’t say that I am even opposed to them. Kids like them. I could be happier if they didn’t come with a big ol’ pile of sugar in them, but it isn’t like the Pop Tarts I feed the kids for breakfast are healthy so my standards are already sufficiently low. At The Boy’s 3rd birthday party shin dig we were guilty of giving out gift bags too, and honestly they worked quite well to distract the kids while The Boy was opening his mound of presents. I did stress for a little too long about what exactly to put in the gift bags though, and can see how some parents wouldn’t want that. I guess because my kids are still so young we haven’t really had to deal with too much of this. I’m sure in a few years I will be deadly opposed to gift bags, and commercialized parties or I will more likely just sell out and go along with the trend.

The Boy is only 3.5, and has already gone to two birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese, and one swimming pool party (I hope to not subject other parents to that for a while, I’m still a little irritated that it meant I had to don a swimsuit). I’m sure as he gets older we will become more and more familiar with all birthday party venues in our area. We’ve had all of our kids’ parties at our own humble abode, but honestly it is a huge pain in the ass to have to clean your entire house, cook, oversee the party, and find ways to entertain a bunch of preschoolers (even when their parents are present!) for even 2 hours. I found myself searching for Non-Chuck E Cheese party options just a few weeks ago, and our next kid birthday isn’t until May.

There has to be some nicer balance between making your child be the one kid who doesn’t get birthday presents from friends, and having such a huge production for each and every birthday that he or she feels entitled to more each year. I’d wager that these early birthdays set the stage for what is to come when the kids have their own opinions. I guess that means we need to under perform, so they have low expectations.

I don't know, the whole fact that there is a dot org website set up to tell me how horrible birthday parties are, makes me pay less attention to the whole thing. Soon not only will Moms be quietly judging other Moms for breastfeeding or formula feeding, landfill space occupying disposable diapers or cloth dipes, staying at home or working outside the home, they will have to worry about the birthday party being enough but not too much. Gads, this parenting thing is like junior high all over again, and we wonder why kids are such asshats to each other in school!

Johnny and the Sprites

I don’t know how it is possible to have a song stuck in your head for three days, but it is. It would be one thing if it were a catchy tune, or even a song I enjoyed listening to. This song is neither. It is the theme song to a show on the Disney Channel. Scratch that, it is the theme song to a “mini show” on the Disney Channel, called Johnny and the Sprites. If you don’t have little children you likely don’t spend much time watching Playhouse Disney, but since I do have small children we watch far too much Disney Channel so I am all too familiar. The mini shows come on in between the other shows, since Playhouse Disney doesn’t have commercials in the traditional sense (they have plenty of advertising for other Disney shows though!). So, back to my Johnny and the Sprites rant, I will quickly sum up the story for you: Johnny went to live in this house in the woods, to work on his music On His Own, of course. Then he realized it was not just a house, but a magical place, he realized he was not alone. See you are starting to think this could be the good start of a cheesy horror movie aren’t you? Anyway, now he’s Johnny…AND THE SPRITES, Johnny, AND THE SPRITES, JOHNNY, AND THE SPRITES! The sprites are two horrible Muppet looking creatures, and they complain endlessly about things. Mostly I try to change the channel when they come on, but sometimes I am in the midst of getting ready for work and the TV is a great babysitter during that time. The only real problem is that the stupid theme song has been running through my head since maybe Tuesday. I’ll be sitting at my desk working away, and suddenly I’m humming Johnny, and the sprites, Johnny, and the sprites, Johnny! Ugh!

I won’t even get started on the Hot Dog song from the new Mickey Mouse animated clubhouse show; thankfully that hasn’t made it to my internal radio yet. Perhaps someone can tell me what they say at the end of the show though when they say: “We’re splitting the scene, we’re full of (cheer?)” I swear they say we’re full of beer, which frankly makes the show more enjoyable for me. I can now smile about Mickey kicking back a few beers at the clubhouse with Donald and Goofy (if anyone drinks Goofy does right?). Okay, now that I’ve veered off track, I have replaced the Johnny and the Sprites song in my head with the Mickey song. I don’t think it is a vast improvement, but at least it is different. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog…

How much is too much?

In the process of potty training The Boy, we have purchased a fair number of small toys that he earns as prizes when he fills up his sticker chart with stickers. The first time he filled up his sheet we were really generous and gave him an Emily wooden train from the Thomas line of trains. The next time he earned a small die cast Tow Mater from the Disney/Pixar Cars movie, then a small die cast Lightning McQueen, oh and I think there was a Toby wooden train in the mix too. Now he is requesting specific items, and we foolishly promised them to him. First he wanted Mack (the semi truck and trailer that transports Lightning McQueen in the movie), and now he wants Sally and Doc. Of course this can all be blamed on DH and me. We should have just told him that he can’t pick his potty prizes, that he just gets what he gets, but we offered specific items so now he has an expectation that he will get the specific prize he wants. Foolish, foolish, foolish parents! The hilarity comes in when you hear that in order to find Mack, we visited not one, not two, but 5 local Targets, 2 Walmarts, 2 Toys R Us stores, and called the Disney Store (not to mention some serious web sleuthing). Thankfully DH scored a Mack for somewhere in the neighborhood of $15. The Boy was happy with Mack, and is still happy with Mack, but has started telling us that he will get Sally next. The tough part is that all of these little $2.99 die cast cars are sold out everywhere because, as the nice woman who pointed DH towards the Mack at Toys R Us explained, collectors are buying them up in mass quantities. As DH and I were discussing our strategy to find Sally and Doc we finally had the discussion about all of this being too much for The Boy. We are spoiling him by giving him so many toys, and making each toy he has less special because there is always a new one that will come along next week. Heck if he really forces himself he can earn several each week, but he might end up with hemorrhoids in the process (he now gets 1 for having a dry Pull-up, 1 for peeing, and 2 for having a BM). Soon he will catch on that if he drinks mass quantities of water he will have to pee more often, but we aren’t quite there yet.

The bigger issue of course is the how much is too much issue. DH and I both grew up in families where money was an object. My often told example of how poor my family was is that when we ran out of milk we just made another pitcher of it. Yes, we drank powdered milk. Adding water to the milk flakes was a common task I performed. I’m not sure when we changed to regular milk, but it must have been somewhere in late elementary school for me. I know my parents economized as much as possible, and my brother and I didn’t get everything we asked for. However, I can’t say that I ever felt deprived. One of my favorite toys as a child was a Noah’s ark that was filled with small plastic animals (I liked the animals…no religious meaning to me!), and my Mom confessed to me recently that it was a garage sale find. I also remember receiving a homemade Cabbage Patch Doll when they were all the rage. Even though I received several real Cabbage Patch Dolls subsequently, she was always my favorite (I think I still have her in a dusty old box in the basement to subject upon my kids when they can appreciate her). I didn’t even realize that we didn’t have much money until I reached junior high, and I wasn’t even close to wearing the “right” clothes. I think I managed a pair of Guess jeans in 7th grade from a local second hand store, but I had to use my babysitting money to get them. DH can recount similar stories of getting not quite what he asked for at Christmas and his Birthday, and he has horror stories about having to buy clothes at Fleet Farm (shudder).

How do people strike a balance between feeling good that they can provide extras for their children, and providing so much that the things are no longer valued? DH and I are finding this very difficult lately. The Boy is old enough to understand that we can buy him new toys, and he realizes that he can make requests. We are smart enough (I think) to realize that we shouldn’t buy him new toys whenever he asks for them, and that we should buy him new toys far less often than we currently do. However, it is fun to buy him new toys. It is fun to watch his reaction as he flutters with excitement playing with the new thing for the first 5 minutes. Of course we realize that the new toy eventually becomes old toy and collects dust at the bottom of the toy bin. In some ways I think it would be easier if we just couldn’t afford to buy him new things so often, but as a result of our dual incomes we can afford it. We buy new things for ourselves when we want to, though we both have horribly old wardrobes, and really don’t buy much for ourselves aside from lunches out and the occasionally Caribou Coffee. We are both hoarders, and automatically invest a good chunk of our income automatically each month. Buying toys for our children will not break us financially. It could turn our kids into spoiled brats though.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that money doesn’t grow on trees. I want them to realize that there is a cost for all of the little trinkets they covet. I think this means that DH and I need to start putting more of the money we would spend on toys into their college accounts. We are not doing them any favors by indulging their every whim, even though they do get big smiles on their faces when we do. I want my kids to have nice things, but I don’t want them to think it is their birthright. While I entered junior high wearing the “wrong” clothes, and my parents couldn’t afford to buy me the “right” clothes, we will be able to afford the “right” clothes. The struggle will be to teach our kids that there really is no such thing as the “right” clothes or things. Our possessions do not make us good people; in fact they can make us bad people if we aren’t careful. I don’t want my kids to be ridiculed by their classmates, but I want them to be able to stand up to those who are ridiculing others. Mostly I want my kids to be above all of that junior high bullshit.

A good friend of mine was the target of a clothes chart made by several of her classmates in 5th or 6th grade. They kept track of her outfits so they could make fun of the fact that she wore the same things multiple times in one week. This friend now has the means to afford plenty of her own clothes, but it obviously left a big mark on her for many years. How do I teach my kids that making a clothes chart is a ghastly, evil thing to do? I suppose the answer is that I need to model my own behavior in such a way that they see we aren’t better than anyone else. If I can really get my kids to understand this, I will be happy. I hope for my kids to understand that life is so much more than the labels on your clothes imply. I know the answer lies in me not making a big deal out of labels, and designer outfits. Even though we can afford to buy them Polo, we need to buy them and us Target clothes as well, because it really doesn’t matter. If I can teach them that being kind to others is paramount, I think I will have done my job…and now I am rambling.

Indulgence

Both Infant and Toddler have birthdays coming up in the near future, so I've been racking my brain for gift ideas. I took a quick tour of their closets and found that Infant could easily go 3+ weeks without a repeated outfit, so that was no help to me (other than making me walk quickly by the cute cute kids clothes at Nordstroms today). A tour of Toddlers dresser and closet revealed a serious lacking for pants that are long enough for him, and no summer weight pajamas to speak of. It is just too bad that the Grandparents aren't going to want to give the boy *clothing* for his birthday, so I suppose that is up to me. Honestly I can't blame them after witnessing his reaction to clothing at Christmas (really should have videotaped the quick throws over his shoulder). A quick tour of the basement revealed a multitude of toys that can be new again to Toddler and would be completely new to Infant. At the suggestion from a friend I am actually considering wrapping up some of the old toys for Infant to open. The Grandparents will give me endless shit about doing so, but they can't deny the fact that my house is quickly becoming a plastic palace. If we get any more ride on toys or play sets I think we will have to start grinding down plastic to make me feel better about the effect on the environment. I still have no clue what to buy the kids...am open to suggestions!

Where did I go?

I’m not sure when it happened, but it did. I find myself with very little patience for my whiney children. I know that getting up with Infant upwards of 4 times per night for the past few days hasn’t helped matters. I really try not to complain about sleep, but waking up 4 times a night is a good form of torture. We’ve tried medicating her with Motrin at bed time but she still wakes up multiple times. I can feel at least two teeth that are just starting to pop through her gums. Hopefully when the teeth come through we will get some sleep again. I really miss sleep. I don’t particularly enjoy traveling for work, but at least when I do I get to sleep through the night. Oddly enough Infant and Toddler both sleep through the night while I am traveling too. It isn’t clear whether DH just sleeps through the cries, or if they just roll over and go back to sleep because they know Mommy isn’t around.

The patience aspect comes in when Toddler is being defiant, or Infant just won’t go to sleep despite being clearly tired. This week I have felt like driving away and never coming back multiple times. I like to think that I am good at most things that I decide to do in life. Being a parent is just so different from every other aspect of life. If I don’t meet a running goal I know it is because I didn’t put in enough training, and I can make corrections. At work I can make adjustments to my style in order to be more effective. At home, it seems as though every time I think I have the children figured out they change. Last year I could bribe Toddler with an episode of Jo Jo’s Circus, but now he acts like I am torturing him if Jo Jo is on TV. A ride in the wagon used to be good as well, but now unless he gets to walk alongside the wagon and/or pull it himself (not a wise choice with Infant in the wagon as well) it isn’t appealing. I realize that he needs to develop independence, and his little revolts are his way of doing so. I just wish his independence didn’t make me late for work in the morning, or that I could get him to switch it off when it isn’t convenient for me.

I’m trying to remember if I ever had anything interesting to say, or if I was just mute prior to having children. I feel like all I ever talk about (outside of work) is my kids. I think I need to rediscover my own interests soon, because I am sick of listening to myself talk about my kids. I can only imagine how others must feel. DH and I have an anniversary coming up next week. We were married almost 9 years ago, and have only had the kids for 3 years of that time. How is it possible that all of that history is lost, and only our kids remain? I know it is there somewhere, just hidden under layers of diapers, sippy cups, bottles, and toys. Perhaps if I get some sleep I can reflect on the past fondly again.